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A YEAR A GO, JEFF DRESSED UP AS A DEMON AND WENT TEA-PARTYING. This story ended up being picked up by pretty much everyone ever, so we may as well celebrate it’s birthday, right?
words by Jeff Jetton
photos by Dakota Fine
Unless you’ve been hiding in your basement listening to Cream records for the past two weeks, you’re most likely aware that a large rally took place on the mall this past weekend (supposedly) in celebration of Martin Luther King’s I Have A Dream speech. We don’t need to go into detail about how utterly ridiculous it is that Glenn Beck, a recovering drug addict, Mormon, loony, right-wing talk show host would try and co-opt one of the most beautiful moments in American history. You already know that. We already know that. It’s just a matter of joining in the absurdity and documenting it on film so that someone can tell their grandchildren: “I was there”.
Check out Video of Our Pregnant Demon at the Rally.
Well, we were there. And this crowd of what can only be described as ‘complete idiots’ did not disappoint in the stereotypical know-nothing asshole department. But why drag politics into this? You’re here for the pictures of yokels wearing matching t-shirts, right?
Here’s the thing about a Glenn Beck rally: when you go dressed up as a 6-foot tall pregnant demon in heels with a sign that reads “I Want a Sandwich”, the Tea-Partiers really have no idea what to do. Should they be angry? Should they be amused? What does the sign mean? Why is that demon pregnant? It scares them. Not because the mask is scary (although it is). It scares them because they don’t understand it and it’s different than they are.
Again, it’s confusing. Not many a lesser demon appears from the fiery depths of hell with a penchant for human food. You’ll usually find a hell-beast hell bent on devouring souls. Or babies. Or baby souls. Rarely do you find one who wants sandwiches. And when you do, if you’re in Washington D.C. to protest taxation (is that why they’re here?), well then for some reason the sandwichery strikes a menacing chord.
The Tea Party is so loosely defined on it’s ethos (anti-taxation, anti-large government, anti-Obama, pro-Patriotism, pro-American Flag, pro-Glenn Beck, pro-Sarah Palin, etc.) that you never really know what type of reaction you’re going to encounter. Pointing out that some dude looks like the guy from Orange County Choppers might get you a ‘well, you look like a ridiculous idiot’…
…while asking for sandwiches just might lead to, well, actual sandwiches.
We figured it would be too easy to make a clever sign pointing out the obvious lunacy of Tea Partiers. Why hit a man (or a whole organization) when he’s down? It’d be much more fun to just write the first random thing that came to our heads. And we were hungry at the time of the signmaking, so that’s what we thought of: Sandwiches.
And we have to say, the sign just baffled folks. And out of that bafflement came a lot of anger. Angry, angry TeaPartiers angry about a man, dressed as an expectant demon, expressing her desire for sandwiches. Seriously, screaming-mad TeaPartiers, damning us to hell (duh? demon!), praying for our souls, getting in our faces, etc. But there were some gentler, kinder TeaPartiers who just wanted a calm discourse. Were we hungry? YES WE WERE! Can we eat meat? YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
And so it was, providence came in the form of a variety of delicious, home-made sandwiches. If thou asketh, thou shalt receiveth. We have to admit that there was an element of surprise on our part, the kindness of (some) strangers apparently not just located in the (bleeding) hearts of liberals. We made a count of what we received while carrying around the “I Want Sandwiches” sign:
- 11 prayers for our eternal salvation
- 4 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
- 1 peanut butter and honey sandwich
- 5 ham sandwiches (two of which were made with real ham, right off the bone, the other three were deli meat)
- 7 turkey sandwiches (one of which was on some sort of a ciabatta bread with goat cheese, dashing all preconceived notions of TeaPartiers)
- 1 verbal threat of a pummeling (guy was very, very angry)
- 2 granola bars
- 2 hot dogs
- 2 bottles of water
- 1 Minute Maid frozen lemonade
We left out the angry, hate filled rants that we recieved, there were too many to count. But the fact is, we got so many sandwiches from Tea Party folks that we couldn’t even carry them all. At one point we had to stop and jettison a few of the heavier sandwiches. Here’s a tip. Ducks are partial to peanut butter and honey sandwiches on organic wheat bread. Something about that particular type of grub makes them go crazy.
This woman couldn’t wait to show us her locket. Inside was, you guessed it. A replica of the twin towers. 9/11 is not a joke here. It’s a symbol of…something. Tea Partiers aren’t really sure what, though. Freedom? Democracy? Anti-immigration? Ask a hundred thousand people and you’ll get a hundred thousand different answers. But it definitely has something to do with God.
Readers, you wouldn’t believe it if I told you, but Dubya himself put on a cheap ‘tourist’ disguise of a funny hat, some sunglasses and some suntan lotion on his nose, borrowed somebody’s baby and mingled with the crowd. He even tried to grab at our sign and called us ‘Obama’. Get it? Obama is the devil! Ha.
The real story at the Glenn Beck rally, though, wasn’t the bat-shit crazy religious desperados trying to steal Martin Luther King’s anniversary from America. No, it was the fashion. Patriotism is so hot right now. Red, White and Blue are the new black!
Nothing can beat this little beauty, though:
Liberals can be annoying, too. These cats were trying to turn the double rainbow internet meme into some kind of anti-Palin joke.
F for Fail, sir. Double rainbow guy is funny enough on his own. Palin is funny enough on her own. If you’re going to bring the two together to make fun, execute well.
And PETA, never an organization to miss an opportunity, showed up with their giant vegetable costumes, but completely missed the mark. Teabaggers, eat me? Oh, I get it, a carrot saying eat me. Har, har, har.
I don’t pick sides unless I’m at a vegan restaurant might be the worst slogan we’ve ever seen on a sign. We hate this sign. It’s not funny. It’s the opposite of funny. In fact, it’s so poorly thought out and executed that it makes us sort of hate animals. Shame on you PETA. We don’t even know if you’re trying to be bi-partisan here with the whole ‘I don’t pick sides’ bit considering you are also calling your intended audience Teabaggers. Get your message straight and stop printing corny signs. If there was such a thing as F-minus, we’d give you one.
Not to give more attention to these numbskulls than they’ve probably gotten, but these guys are just whack-jobs.
Not much more needs to be said here. This thing was a complete shit-show. Most of America is aware that this Tea Party is a complete joke and it won’t be around too long. There’s no viable platform, just vague rantings about too many taxes and not enough God. Best just to pull up a lawn chair and watch the parade of goons. Let’s hope the carnival comes back again soon for our enjoyment.