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There is going to be so much Parks & Rec in DC. Retta is coming to the Bentzen Ball but first Aziz is going to be at the Verizon Center THIS Saturday!

It’s hard to picture this adorable man in such a giant place but that’s half the fun in going! Because we love you more than ourselves we’ve set aside a few pairs of FREE tickets. To win them tell us where you would take Aziz if he had a night in DC to spend with you. Don’t be lame, skip your favorite restaurant and get real goddamn weird. Best answer wins. Good luck!

 

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Jenn Tisdale
Jenn Tisdale
Ms. Don Draper

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45 Responses

  1. HR Reply

    I would get either really drunk/high and take him to the National Zoo, that would be hilarious. After that we might decide to go crash Georgetown nightlife. We’d finish the night by picking up a hooker and practicing our stand-up on her. What a glorious day that would be.

  2. Amara Reply

    Definitely top of the Kennedy center to recite make bizarre Lion King references “See that shadowy place over there? That’s the Hill. You must never go there.” Then hit up U Street for shenanigans, and of course close the night out at Ben’s Chili Bowl for some late night people watching.

  4. Emilie Begin Reply

    Titanic Memorial at midnight on the anniversary, when the Titanic Men’s Society shows up in full tuxedos and holds a very long champagne toast in front of the statue. The best/weirdest DC tradition, hands down. We’d drink Andre.

  5. Camille Reply

    First of all, Everything in DC is typical. I would totally drive him to Frederick and take him to the fair. It’s a completely different world! I can’t imagine the things he would say.

  7. Sarah Scott Reply

    If I were to go on a date with Aziz, I would want to take him to all the places that feature some of his favorite items, so we’d DEFINITELY go for some ‘Zerts [desserts] at Dangerously Delicious Pies. However, seeing as how I wouldn’t want to spoil our dinner, we would go get some ‘trees [entrees] first at Toki Ungerground so we could get some Sammies or use our food-rakes [forks] while eating ramen. The perfect date.

  8. Erin Reply

    I’d take him to douchepont, my favorite place to work on my observational humor. First, to Buffalo Billiards where I would challenge him to a few games of skeeball and that basketball game. I’m pretty sure I beat him at both because I’m awesome at skeeball and I recently be a 14-year-old boy at one on one basketball. After that we would head over to the Camelot, which is the weirdest strip club I’ve ever been to. Finally, we would head back towards Gallery Place and look for the lovely homeless gents that I got high with a few weeks ago after a long night of drinking. They don’t teach you about this side of DC in middle school history!

  9. Krystal Reply

    I’d take him to one of the frequent rocky horror picture show events and see if I could talk him into running around the auditorium in golden briefs

  11. Douglas Reply

    Aziz is a huge foodie. So my guess is he will be going to Rose’s Luxury. In which case I’ll just wait for him there

  12. Eric Reply

    OBVIOUSLY the drag Rocky HORROR Picture Show at the university mall theater.. After we split a handle of fiteball, of course.

  13. Liana Reply

    Le Diplomate because he loves food, maybe Policy then St. Ex to overwhelm him, but really a stroll on the mall and hanging at the Lincoln Memorial with some wine because who doesn’t love Aziz. Maybe Toki Underground after for some more food, this time on the ethnic side. 🙂

  14. Anonymous Reply

    I don’t know about weird, but it would be a decadent and adventurous night. A fantastic and long dinner at the chef’s table at Rogue 24 in Blagden Alley..absinthe cocktails at an underground speakeasy in Eastern Market then hookah and drunken making out to old school hip hop at the after hours on H st. in a private booth.

  15. BL Reply

    Aziz is a lover of food and drink, like me, so a good night could not be had by “skipping favorite restaurants”. Also, what better way for him to see and get to know DC than by exploring the food and culture with a local! So, I would take him out on the town to a bunch of great DC spots – hopefully all of them will be deemed worthy of being ‘plaqued’ (is that still a thing?). We could kick off the evening at Birch and Barley or maybe The Pig, but probably Birch and Barley, one of my favorite dinner spots accompanied by a couple fancy schmancy cocktails to get the conversation flowing. We could check out the Black Cat or Rock and Roll Hotel to see if any good music is playing and/or just hang around. If not, we could move on to Atlas Arcade to throw back a couple beers and battle it out on some old school arcade games. After beating him countless times, we’ll probably need a snack, so we’ll swing over to Granville Moore’s for beers and frites. More beer drinking. Toki Underground or &pizza for late-night munchies. And the night would probably end there, with our bellies full and heads woozy.

  16. Daiquiri Ryan Reply

    I would take Aziz on a DC Rooftop Bar tour (because hello… September in DC). Upon arriving we will only speak in R. Kelly lyric quotes. To drink, we’d have anything mixed with grapefruit juice, because unlike 50 Cent, we know what the hell a grapefruit is. Then of course, we’d eat late night food (because it’s freaking delicious)… preferably something cheesy and greasy like Jumbo Slice. We’d then (fueled by our pizza) practice our Jay-Z laughs on the steps of the Lincoln memorial. To end the night, we’d sit silently next to each other while we internet troll our hilariously awkward younger cousins.

  18. Brandon Reply

    As soon as I took the burlap sack off his head I’d have a cold 22oz Coors Original ready to be shotgunned before we stepped foot in the Uber SUV, driven by local legend DeAngelo Hall since he has a few weeks of paid vacation at the moment. As we ripped down a few lines of Sriracha off the black leather interior we’d cruise up the 66 HOV lanes, shooting off a few crescendos of Roman candles out of the sunroof, cruising down into the heart of U street at Flash to get our trap elbows on with RL Grime. We’d naturally be wearing a matching set of lizard onesies and would get a few rounds of bear fights in us before challenging the closest Lithuanians we could find to a robot water chug-off. At this point I’d pick Aziz up like the man child he is and slide him into my matching lizard kangaroo pouch and head down to the Georgetown waterfront to watch the sunrise with a couple of stogies and room temp DC braus to greet Rah as his golden beak rose above the Potomac.

  19. Jabril Reply

    I’d take him on a gay bar binge, drag show and everything. I’d make him break out the Snake Juice

  20. Anonymous Reply

    I’d take Aziz to Ben’s Chili Bowl. We’d be shoved up against people in line but hey, isn’t that what a nice in the Nation’s Capital suppose to feel like? And then Prince Cafe in Georgetown where he’d be the best dressed person in a dingy hookah bar.

  22. Anonymous Reply

    We’d go to Cinnabon, stand outside and ask passersby if they’d be up for a dick party. Our evening would be filmed for reallifedickparty.com.

  23. Stephanie Reply

    I’d first take Aziz to Ben’s Chili Bowl for chili half smokes and then I’d take him to Secrets to see some full smokes 😉

  24. Hailstorm Reply

    First we would hit up Urban Outfitters, so we can go out on the town with the freshest trendy clothes around. Ain’t nobody want to be caught wearing yesterdays trash. We would buy Aziz a shirt that says “I have a big, you know”. Why? Because that is the perfect conversation starter. It leaves a lot to the imagination, and every woman loves a confident man. Next we would go bar hopping in Adams Morgan in order to mack on as many ladies in one night, and get our groove thang on. After winning the dance competition which we would inevitably enter, the night will conclude with both of us being entirely too drunk, and we will wander into the Amsterdam Falafel shop. We will be gladly rewarded with free falafels because AZIZ ANSARI is in my posse, duh! Once we have devoured our delicious food, we will Uber back to his sweet hotel, where he will dap me and thank him for showing him the grossest bars in the District. Next thing I know I am listening to him on the Tonight Show and he is referencing his worst night in DC, with me! And my 5 seconds of fame will come to an end.

  25. Anonymous Reply

    We’d treat ourselves at crafty bastards this weekend. Massages, mimosas, and fine leather goods.

  26. Annie Reply

    I’d bring him to my place and cook him biryani, which is something I swore I’d never do but I’d do it for Aziz.

  27. Antonio Reply

    For Aziz, I have a penchant for planning the perfect party. We will play the piano among the peasants, and if they pontificate, we will seek phonic pleasure perhaps at a pool. There, we will pig out on a plate of plump pheasant (sorry PETA!), with pitchers of PBRs and plenty of pumpkin pie. Finally, we will plop down on the plush pull-out couch, and learn how to prepare homemade pop-tarts and pear-flavored popsicles on Pinterest.

  28. Alex Reply

    “tell us where you would take Aziz if he had a night in DC to spend with you”

    Home. If Aziz Ansari had a night to spend with me I would take him home. Aka my bedroom. Aka my extremely seductive bachelorette pad filled with rich mahogany and many leather-bound books.

  29. Ruby Reply

    I would take Aziz and DJ Roomba on a TREAT YO SELF adventure of the DC area. First, we’d get our nails done at Mimosa while downing glasses of champagne and chatting up the ladies. We would then call up his cousin, Harris, to discuss, at length, any recent Kimye scandals. For nourishment, I’ll bring Aziz to a super expensive restaurant because a) its treat yo self day, and b) he can afford it. We’ll bond over caviar and a shared hate for engagement/baby announcements on Facebook. To round out our day, we’ll hit up the National Zoo to take glamour shots with Rusty the red panda. We will spend the night in jail.

  30. BW Reply

    I’d take Aziz back to my house. Nothing creepy or sleazy. I’ll respect his chastity. But I’ll bake him a pie, cut a cigar and we’d watch cartoons.

  31. YSL Reply

    I’d take him over to KingPin for the Farequet afterparty. Dang DC of 1999- I miss you sorely.

  32. Ashley Reply

    I’ll take him to the creepy Exorcism stairs near Georgetown to try to scare the ish out of him because that would be so funny. Then over to the waterfront to eat and end the night people watching down M street in Georgetown when all the crazies are out.

  33. Jess Reply

    Take Aziz and show him DC in hopes he travels more often. Start out in Capital Riverfront and end in Logan Circle.

  34. Anonymous Reply

    Lets start by getting some dranks delivered to us (talking to you, Drizzly) because we have to play “hey, lets be bff and say stories and create a drinking game” then proceed to some over crowded bar where the people watching cannot be missed (el centro basement, that stench stays with you but the margaritas are so right) hit up whatever is playing at 930. If Perry’s is poppin then nothing says a successful night of some solid karaoke. He will then have a choice of fine dining establishments of Ben’s chili bowl, jumbo slice or Amsterdam Falafels. grab a red bull then have a wedding crashers moment to watch the sunrise by the memorial.

  36. Megan Reply

    I’d take Aziz to GBD because Aziz loves fried chicken and I know how to treat a lady (er, man/boy).

  38. J Reply

    A night in DC with me would be awesome because I’m 5’0″ and at 5’6″ Aziz would be a GIANT standing next to me. Instead of trying to compete with the clubs of NYC/LA, I’d aim for that small town meet big city DC vibe. First, giant Aziz and I would partake in wine and small plates at a very DC establishment (a Jose Andres’ or Mike Isabella’s restaurant). Then on to U Street for a drink and to people watch and count how many people recognize Aziz. Then on to POV at the W hotel roof for best view of DC at night, over-priced drinks and music. After working up an appetite on the dancefloor, we’d head to southern franchise Mellow Mushroom in AdMo for a custom order Aziz Ansari half souther/half indian pizza.

  39. Mary Reply

    I’d take Aziz to see the not-so-trendy areas, on a little authentic DC tour. I’d take him to Bloomingdale, show him a few bars that aren’t chock full of young Hill staffers. Boundary Stone and Showtime. Then, BBQ dinner. He’d have his choice, between DCity Smokehouse and Mr.P’s ribs (my vote? Mr. P’s.). Swing by Right Proper for some good ol’ brewed right in Shaw delicious beer. If in the mood for dancing, check out Flash or Little Miss Whiskey’s, whatever’s feelin right. All in all, places that show less of the face of DC — more of our heart.

  40. Anonymous Reply

    I’d have a few drinks with Aziz on my friends’ rooftop out in Shaw, just because it’s such a sketchy area but with a great view of the city. Then we’d get rental bikes and bike throughout DC, see the monuments and architecture and people because I’ve never gone drunk biking and what better first time than to do it with AZIZ ANSARIIIIII. Then go eat &pizza of course.

  41. SP Reply

    So I’m German, so please read the following aloud with your best German accent. It’s ze Oktoberfest time back home right now, so Aziz will have to drink a few Maß (1 liter beer mug) with me until Angela Merkel becomes ze sexiest woman alive…not like that is debatable anyway. She ist super geil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM2yiGLmuic). I would teach him ze Trachten-dance too (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKK-dsQOgqg) so we can rock out German style to some amazing ass music – you guessed right: David motherf***ing Hasselhof baby! He could wear a dirndl and pretend to be a weird version of Heidi…Ach he would have ze best time!

  42. Darcy Reply

    My best friend Shelby and I would take Aziz to Daikaya for ramen/happy hour, then to It’s Sugar for dessert (read: giant gummy bear), then to Jackpot where we would make a game of convincing all of the young professionals (read: suits) who have been taking it over lately that he’s just our friend from college who really LOOKS like Aziz Ansari. Those are actually pretty much our plans for tonight, but Aziz is welcome to join.

  43. Adam Reply

    Dear Aziz,
    Only one night in DC? Let’s make it special. Let’s make it hood. We’re going to the fucking zoo.
    Pandas. Elephants. Donkeys. Petting zoo inside the regular zoo. Shit gets real. I’m sure Aziz’s celebrity and/or the complete lack of any serious security will get us some inside-the-cage time with the penguins and seals. Hopefully the penguins and seals at the same time, because really, you know that March of the Penguins was missing an Aziz commentary track.
    Now that we’ve scarred several children with a penguin vs seal reenactment of Aztecs vs Spaniards, we move onto sports.
    And by sports, I mean eating burgers in front of the treadmills in Gold’s Gym windows.
    Now this Saturday night is Howard University hosting DJ Premiere vs Pete Rock, but I’m pretty white so I’m just too self-conscious that I’ll stick out. But with Aziz our average skin tone will be just the right shade of Cinnamon Chai Mochas that we’ll be in the concert no problem. Back up plan: Bring Cinnamon Chai Mochas for other people in the crowd. There’s always weed, there’s rarely seasonal beverages.
    We finish up the night cruising through the suburbs, finding house parties with drunk high schoolers, flash sirens in the neighborhood and watch them run & panic like toddlers on acid doing the Ninja Warrior obstacle course. If as we chase them down, yelling things like “You’ve thrown away your future for one marijuana”, we accidentally hit one with our car, then it’s off to the Georgetown graveyard! You don’t know your favorite comedian until it’s 2 am and you’re getting rid of some evidence with a little bit of light grave robbing in a National Heritage Spot. That’s how friendships are made.
    We’ll cap off our night with some breakfast food at Steak N’ Eggs. I’ll get waffles. Aziz will get sunny side up eggs.

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