A password will be e-mailed to you.

By David Carter

Burger King is launching a gay-friendly Whopper.

It’s about time! Some people are criticizing this move as a corporation attempting to monetize a civil rights issue, and classifying modern sexual empowerment as a fad, defeating its purpose. No way!

Burger King has been a patriarchal hatemonger for years! It’s why they call themselves “King”. Duh!

That’s why I only eat at Dairy Queen, even though I’m lactose intolerant, although it is 2014, and I should be more tolerant of the proud lactose people… It’s something I’m working on. Please be respectful. It’s not me; I got these traits from my father. Literally.

My point is we all have work to do on ourselves and progress to make. Remember last year when Burger King came out with the Bacon Sundae? Yeah! A dessert treat that two entire faiths could not enjoy. Just like a King to suppress the religion of its people. LOL GoT!

That is why I applaud Burger King for coming out as an ally, with meat products. What a proud stand against the chickens at Chick-fil-A. Since corporations are people, why can’t they have dramatic ideological swings like us? Before this launch, all of Burger King’s burgers were NOT gay friendly. The last time I ate there, when I opened my burger to add some ketchup I brought from home, the patty called me a gaywad! A wad of gay! A whole wad of it! What a whopper. Well I put my ketchup back in my fanny pack and got out of there as fast as I could. I think the man at the table next to me got the same burger because he was looking none too pleased at me during my swift retreat, repeating the very slur that my burger yelled at me, in disbelief of course. Stand strong, brother! One day we will be as free as our national anthem alludes. Until then, I promise not to tread on you, as the snake on your shirt insists. And thank you for inviting me to your party for tea. It sounds lovely.

This does provide a very odd paradox, not to be confused with a pair of Crocs, which is what I was wearing with my fanny pack when my burger called me a gaywad. The community they expect to reach with this rainbow wrapper, tends to be very fit and not eat fast food at all. So who is it for? Burger King can’t possibly be trying to convert the breeders. That is what Obamacare is doing. At least that’s what the perturbed man at Burger King yelled at me.

It can’t be for the LGBT community. They have respect for themselves.

It can’t be for Pride parade goers. People who eat fast food can’t walk in parades.

It can’t even before for allies who normally eat garbage! They all eat at Chipotle.

I think BK had a public change of heart for the same reason every Republican does. The Burger King’s son, the Burger Prince, just came out of the closet. Good for him.

I’m just sorry that absolutely no one will be buying this burger. It’s the thought that counts, BK.

Because it’s not just the LGBT community that likes putting mystery meat in their mouths, we all do.

Some people will be boycotting the burger chain. That I don’t understand. If you lead a life where you have to alter your daily decision to eat at Burger King, disagreeing with gay rights is the least of your problems. Your other problems probably include:
– Renting a forklift to remove yourself from your bed
– Budgeting for your insulin addiction

Buy the burger. Don’t buy the burger. Whatever. BK says this is them standing in solidarity. But as a previous connoisseur of their food, I can assure you that after eating it, there is nothing solid about it. And you will be doing less standing and a lot more sitting, on a throne made of porcelain.

So there is the silver lining. You too can be a royal, Lorde. Just order a royale with cheese. You will just be lording over a toilet, as your culinary regrets exit you as a pulpy fiction. SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME! #YesAllFastFood