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This is it! Magic Mike is finally, I mean FINALLY, coming out this Friday.

I’ve bought every ticket for every seat at every showing at Chinatown (sorry) so I can watch this masterpiece in solitary bliss. My feelings right now are a combination of this:

and this:

To be completely honest, I couldn’t care less about Matthew Mconaghey (sorry, couldn’t be bothered to Google correct spelling, that’s how indifferent I am about him). All my love will be focused on my main squeeze, Joe Manganiello (didn’t even need to Google up that last name, it’s tattooed on my right cheek).


But after thinking about it, what makes a good male stripper? And how can they, like other gay icons, make an impressionable impact on the lives of so many men? HINT: it takes more than a weiner.

First, you gotta be prepped and looking fresh:

You need to have the perfect outfit ready, with your priorities just right:

Next, you need to deliver a strong entrance to keep the gays’ attention:

Don’t forget about the element of surprise:

Of course, WORK WORK WORK:

And really, no amazing  stripper would be complete without the perfect song. I think since I was 12, I’ve been dreaming of what mine would be. There’s the self-explanatory:

Stereo Total: “I am Naked”

The always subtle Peaches:


The one for just in case you fall off the stage but the lyrics will make it look like it’s part of your routine:

And of course, self-explanatory pt. 2:


OH WHO ARE WE KIDDING, it’s all about the peen. See you at the movies!