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Last year, I did my first straight break before Pride (complete with my own mom commenting about DP-ing), as a means to prep ourselves for the awesome, but exhausting, events of the coming weekend.

Let’s just call it now: OOPS.

If ever there was a need for a break from all things gay, all things work, and really, all things life, it is post-pride. But how do we do this without giving up our interests? And if you’re straight, how do you capitalize on your interests in gayer ways? In other words, let’s get together.

Let’s not think about this like an “Eat This, Not That!” book (don’t worry, Taco Bell, I will never believe those lies), but rather the opportunity to brighten our horizons. I know, awwwww.

And because it bears repeating this year again:

***AND BEFORE WE GET ROWDY, yes I recognize that many gays (2012 edit: and straights) enjoy some of these things, myself included.***

Scenario 1: I really want to redo the 450 sq. foot apartment I rent for $2200 a month, but I just can’t bear David Bromstad’s arms and paint swatches of “Caribbean Santorum Nights” on the walls.

Enter the oldie but goodie, Bob Vila:

Scenario 2: I FUCKING LOVE ULTIMATE FIGHTING! But sometimes, bro, I really get freaked out by the blood. Any other options for a battle between two men?

Come right this way toward the oiled-up world of Turkish wrestling:

Scenario 3: I just spent a week beating Mass Effect 3. Now, I need an equally gritty video game villain to try and take down.

Please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the classic (and allegedly transgendered) Birdo:

Scenario 4: Sounds impossible, I know, but I’ve reached the end of gay porn tumblrs. I think dicksdicksandmoredicks.tumblr.com (PS YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT LINK, and yes it works, those on the job right now) is even updating less, just to tease me.

A long shot, but how about some photos of the world’s greatest hot dog eaters?

Scenario 5: I’m looking for a gayer Nickelback, man. They’re rockin’.


I’m sorry. I have no help for you here.