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Well, Valentine’s Day is over. You’ve spent more money than you should have on a nice dinner/violin serenade/stripper that claws its way out of the stuffing of a giant teddy bear (WAY more expensive than I thought that was going to be), and now you have zero dollars.

I’m here to tell you that hope is not lost.

Suze Orman, as much as I love her… still has not told you every secret there is. I don’t know about you, but I am not looking to see if I can afford that new car, or send my kids to college. Suze, all I need is my bar tab covered.

I’m here to help you, my deeaaarzzz.

1) Simplify your life.

These people are all trying to get rid of their things on eBay. I’m sure SOMEBODY out there is looking for a “Vintage Obama AFRICAN Blk Male Realistic GAY Man Mannequin” (their words, not mine, verbatim):

Or a “Nude Male Sculpture Statue Men Wrestling Statues”:

So, if your fishnet top seems like it’s seen better days, hit it up.

2) Are you hot/semi-hot and love to masturbate? Let your MacBook pay for itself in e-tips.

3) We can deny it all we want, but the truth is, we’re going to have to downgrade in some ways.

4) Let’s crunch some numbers.

Cost of Sean Cody membership, per month: $34.95

Cost of Corbin Fisher membership: $59.95

Cost of Men at Play membership (my personal fave):$36.95

Total: I refuse to even calculate that.

You know who has a TON of free gay porn? TUMBLR. All over the place. If you really need help, inquire.

5) And finally, get resourceful! You’ll be SO proud to know you can DIY and still get off:

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