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Forget Judy Garland. Forget Lucille Ball. Let’s talk about the world’s FIRST gay icon: Neanderthals.

Gay Icon of the Week: Neanderthals

Why: In a shocking report released this week, archaeologists are saying they’ve found evidence that not only did our primitive ancestors engage in wearing “body ornaments” (see: cock ring), but also cosmetics. But no, not just powder, cover-up, or mascara. A for-real scientist actually used this phrase: “GLITTER MAKEUP.”

Do They Rise to Icon Level?: I’m going to give you a moment to close your eyes and think about a guy with body glitter on him. If you need help, here is a visual:


Now, think of the same guy, but if you were to go back in time 50,000 years. The result:


**NOTE: this took me a good hour to create.

That kind of staying power isn’t just luck, people. That’s the sign of a true gay icon.

Further Evidence: If twinked-out Neanderthals aren’t your thing (though I think I may have convinced some of you by now), maybe you’re into hanky-code Neanderthal. The same scientist has stated these body decorations were used to help primitive icons “convey what they are” and provide some sort of identity card. Did brown mean “loves to be spanked by giant clubs?” Ah, science. So much mystery!