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Gay Icon of the Week: Mrs. Claus

Why: Pussy control. She manages to bag the most famous man in the world and still she only lets him out of the house one night a year. Tiger Woods would be tamely whipped and tucked into bed tightly by 8 o’clock each night if he were married to this chick.

Does She Rise to Icon Level? Absolutely. She’s been 100% diva since the world first learned about her in 1890. The only other women in this age bracket who’ve still got play are Tina Turner and Betty White.

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Mrs. Claus has spawned countless imitators, most notably every office party whore who thinks it’s a smart career move to show up at the company party wearing a fur-fringed red mini-skirt and low-cut blouse. However, only the true Mrs. Claus can oil up and properly work that North Pole.

Further Evidence: Like Cher, Madonna and Charo, Mrs. Claus is a woman of mystery. Quick: What’s her first name? EXACTLY. Even the foremost experts claim that even Santa doesn’t know. Keep ’em hanging, Mrs. C.

Finally, as the days are getting colder, we see more fashion-forward boys rocking fur hoods this winter. That may be the current trend, but who do you think started that? Yep. She sees you when you’re sleeping, and she knows when you’re awake.

And that is why I’m caroling for you, old lady. See you under the mistletoe.