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Here at BYGays, we tend to CELEBRATE word that a 20 inch snake has been let loose (cue open mouth and giant side-eye wink). Not in the Bronx, though.

Gay Icon of the Week: Bronx Cobra

As of Monday afternoon, this snake has been missing for 3 days, according to the Bronx Zoo. But NOT to worry, this venomous animal — that is said to be the same type of snake Cleopatra used to kill herself — which is the SAME kind of snake that can kill a modern human in 15 minutes — isn’t really a problem. No, the zoo is “confident” that people have nothing to worry about.

What am I “confident” of? I’m “confident” that this snake is on a mission. I’m “confident” that this snake was so moved by Elizabeth Taylor’s role in Cleopatra that it said “oh hell no, I’m out,” when it heard about her death and is now on a rampage.

And I’m “confident” that its first order of business is to take out Jennifer Lopez, who it never forgave for making Anaconda… and who was also –READY FOR THIS!?!– born in THE BRONX.

Just. Saying. It’s a gay snake whipping its way out with a vengeance. And unlike that guy you took home at Cobalt one time, it’s not gonna be the good kind.