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I pinky swore to myself I was not going to review this.
Hell, I pinky swore to myself I was not even going to ever see this.
And I solemnly declare we were going to see “The Dark Knight”.
But we got there on a Sunday at 6 and the 6:30 show was sold out (how many goddamn days after the movie openned, and it STILL sells out every show?) so we just went and saw this.
Which, as I find out, is the highest grossing musical movie of all time (better opening weekend than “Chicago”, better opening weekend than the annoying “Hairspray” revival last year…dollar signs EVERYWHERE)
We even totally hyped ourselves up while on the escalator.
I mean, I kinda like ABBA even. I do.

And then it all happened: 2 hours of awkwardly placed ABBA songs, very forced gayness, aging men in sequins, very brightly colored skies, Meryl Streep in overalls…and more.

It all seemed deja-vuish but then, it would be, since Becca and I held each other’s hands through the theatrical version of this bonanza just weeks a go.
And now here we were again.

The story, which is really just a ploy for aforementioned awkward singalongs, involves a wedding, a young girl (Amanda Seyfried of “Big Love” and the funniest thing in “Mean Girls”, in my opinion) wanting to be given away by her father, so she invites the 3 men (played by Mr. Darcy (Colin Firth), James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) and Stellan Skargard) her mother (Meryl Streep)had sex on the beach with 20+ years a go.

“Hilarity” and bad choreography ensues.

Everything about this operation is over-the-top.
The sky is bluer than any sky you ever saw (the movie DOES make you want to never live in a city again), the beaches are sandier, the clothes tackier, and the singing bigger, broader and more out of tune than anything you’ve ever laid your eyes or ears on.

Much like in the play, mother’s friends (played here by Shelley Winters and the always game Christine Baranski) are the movie’s saving grace, grabbing what little actual humor there is and running as far and wide with it as they can.

The rest of the cast mostly sinks while attempting to swim.
And it is such a stellar cast.

Any other movie boasting the names I mentioned above would be, what you would call, “oscar bait” material, but here all you have is James Bond and Mr. Darcy singing “Take a Chance On Me” and you can only hope for their own good that they know how embarassing they are.

Meryl’s oscars are probably turning on their shelf graves as I type this.
Because…there is camp and then there is just plain bad.
This is kind of “just plain REALLY bad”
I can see how they all thought it would be a “fun movie to make”, a vacation of a set, it all must have seemed so “AMAZING ON PAPER” but the price was too big to pay.

Consider yourselves warned.