The Internet is a wonderful place. With message boards, chat rooms, search engines, forums and social networks, it’s a phenomenal way to let yourself be heard. It’s also a phenomenal place to hear some of the things being heard. The terrifying, weirdly sexualized, and unnecessary musings of the Internet that will often never see the light of day. Enter our new column, designed to unearth some of the most fascinating aspects of the web; fan fiction.
Take a trip with us down the SkiFree fan fiction rabbit hole, a world where multiple people have in fact written stories about the early-’90s Microsoft game many of us had the pleasure of growing up playing. Some of these people clearly never forgot it (keep the dream alive, guys) and have delivered some incredibly frightening shorts, many involving love, death, skiing naked, yeti rape and, well, you’ll see. Happy SkiFree-ing…
Bunny Slope Madness by Fat Sassy Bride
This brilliant piece of fan fiction revolves around those skiers you’d occasionally hit on your way down the slope. In this thrilling tale, our protagonist accidentally kills another person, then ditches the body only to crash, continue skiing, then get eaten by a yeti. Props for including the obnoxious black dog casually roaming the snowy landscape for whatever reason.
“He whipped around shamefully, not seeing a stray terrier wander up to the corpse, sniff it, and piss on its bosom before rolling around happily in the snow.”
“Despite the fact that his head was now buried and freezing in the snow, his burnt crotch was being soothed by the frigid kiss.”
“‘What-?!’ he gasped, looking around over his shoulder…To see a Yeti tearing his pants off! He screamed as the Yeti began to rape him up the butthole! How terrible! Oh no, SkiFree!”
“”AHHHHH!” he suddenly shrieked out, as the Yeti had had enough of fuck games and sank its sharp teeth into the delicate flesh of the skier’s ass. Far from a desired rim job, the flesh was torn away and devoured sloppily, blood spilling onto the pristine snow. The skier’s screamed and kicked his leg helplessly at the Yeti, only for that, too, to be ripped away like a drumstick from some southern fried chicken and devoured with some red drank – his blood. Hell yeah, thugz.”
Ski Freeeeeee! by Aman’mai
Here’s another piece involving yeti rape (seriously, you guys?), though this monster’s a bit of a softie. Essentially, the skier embarks on a nudist ski slope (there is no way this can be a real thing), gets molested by a yeti, who then hauls the skier back to its cave and fashions some rabbit-skin pants for our storyteller. So. This is a thing.
“He grinned as he cleared his first jump with a double twist, butlanded in a heap. Getting up again, he felt his manhood begin to freeze over. He got worried then.”
“The monster held him up to it’s mouth then blinked. ‘Your naked this time,’ it stated. The little man shrugged uncomfortably. ‘Where is the fuschia skivvy?’ The little man shrugged again. ‘The cloakroom, I guess, at the top of the mountain,’ he squeaked. The monster stared at him. Then it proceeded to shag him into insensibility and drag him into it’s cave.”
“‘Aren’t you going to eat me?’ The monster turned wearily to him. ‘You get lonely on these mountains,’ it said depressingly, ‘I want some company. After eating thousands of little men, it was time for a change. And . . . you weren’t wearing any clothes.'”
“The little man got up and walked over to the monster who was tice his height. ‘I love you,’ he whispered and buried his head into the lush fur of his lover. The snowwoman blinked. ‘I . . . love you too, honey,’ she said and pulled him close, nearly suffocating him.”
They Call Me Frosty by yeaimthatdude
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from today’s glimpse into fan fiction, it’s that yetis need love too. They really, really need love. In the case of the next story, we’re using “love” in the way someone really sensitive might call sex “making love,” or maybe in the way someone explaining sex addiction to a child would say “they just really need to love something.” Because this is a yeti with a sex problem, who will apparently do anything to love something. Say hello to “They Call Me Frosty,” the vaguely racist (and scarily graphic) tale of a monster who can’t seem to get it off. From making a snow flesh light (snow-up doll?) to a terrier (there’s that dog again), this beast is unstoppable. Also, they somehow managed to involve scat, the Electra Complex, bestiality and fucking a tree in half without even blinking an eye. Also also, this is a terrible work of literature.
“Harder than a diamond in an ice storm, the snowman’s massive throbbing 14 Inch member couldn’t be satisfied from his own efforts. His apparent weight gain had taken its toll on him and he was no longer capable of auto-fellatio like he was in his youth and his small scraggly arms just fell too short of holding a firm grip on his hulking mass.”
“Excited in more ways than one, the snowman built a hole, making it very similar to what he remembered of his mother’s wide gaping snatch. The snowman then proceeded to pound that goddamn hole like the little snow slut it was, as he was doing so he rubbed and pinched his nipples crying out.”
“…the snow lost it’s form due to the fact that even little whores made of snow can’t take a snow monster’s 14 Inch fuck-stick. This enraged the snow man, for if you value your life you will ALWAYS finish a snow monster off…”
“The snowman thought, ‘Holy shit that’s the sexist fucking tree I ever saw, holy fuck that tree can back that trunk up son!'”
“The cutest one year old dog came happily skipping by; this female chocolate lab was only around a year old, having just come out of the puppy stage of life, no tragedy had befallen this animal ever in her life, yet…. The puppy gave out a tremendous yelp, but the present company wasn’t thinking at all about the dog’s sexual pleasure which reminded the dog about it’s time in Kappa Iota Delta sorority.”
So, there you have it, folks. Welcome to the Internet and good luck with clawing out those eyeballs.