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The Internet is a wonderful place. With message boards, chat rooms, search engines, forums and social networks, it’s a phenomenal way to let yourself be heard. It’s also a phenomenal place to hear some of the things being heard. The terrifying, weirdly sexualized, and unnecessary musings of the Internet that will often never see the light of day. Enter our new column, designed to unearth some of the most fascinating aspects of the web; fan fiction.

There’s almost no one who captured the imaginations of both sexes like David Bowie, so of course there are some strange fan fictions out there from all angles. Sometimes he’ll be playing the Goblin King, sometimes he’ll be an androgynous space alien. Sometimes he’ll be fooling around with John Lennon. Sometimes he’s just plain old David Bowie, which is still leagues more fabulous than any of us could ever be even in our wildest dreams. Strangeness factor this week is measure by Bowie’s bulge in The Labyrinth because, you know, fucking duh.


Imagine by The fab four

This fanfic is set during the three-day span when Bowie and John Lennon recorded “Fame” in a studio alone. The piece is fairly short, sort of a teaser, really, but it’s a fun (strange) play off a real event in ’75, so kudos for that, I guess. It’s bizarre to picture Lennon practicing riffs while David Bowie lusts over him, but, wait, what am I saying? This is totally believable.

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Choice Lines:

“For three days, David and John were going to be alone, recording “Fame”. Yoko and Angela had left, they were completely alone. One of the rockstars was openly bisexual. What do you think would happen? They’d sit and have tea?”

“God, John was hot. He left his hand linger on John’s. He could feel John’s breath. It turned him on.”

“They were so close. John could feel David’s nervous breathing. His lip’s met David’s. They shared a long, wonderful kiss. When it broke, the kissed again. This time it was less romantic, more like two horny 15 year olds. ‘We’re going to have a great 3 days, darling.’ John said.”


 Of Pineapples and Kings by Lixxle

OK, so, that was dark. Let’s lighten the mood with a fancy Labyrinth tale (sweet Jareth, the sheer number of Labyrinth fanfics is startling) wherein Sara teaches the Goblin King about Halloween. My favorite part is the quick explanation as to how they’re able to hang out: “‘Do remember that I have created portals between our worlds, reordered time, and even…lord help me…jump-started your car on occasions. And I did it all for you.'”  So, you know, in case you were wondering, the answer is portals. (It’s always portals.)

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Choice Lines: 

“‘Explain to me,’ said Jareth, reaching rather indolently for the last cinnamon cookie, ‘what it is that you do on Halloween.'”

“She had learned over the past three months that you really couldn’t slap Jareth unless he allowed it. … In fact, she had started a mental list entitled ‘Evidence that Jareth is an S&M fiend’ where she dutifully added ‘enjoys being slapped’ alongside ‘is overly fond of leather’, ‘owns a riding crop but not a horse’, and ‘wears constrictive pants that may be hazardous to his health and fertility.'”

“‘Well, then you are allowed to play a trick on them.’ ‘A trick, hey?’ Jareth pondered that. ‘As in turning their pet cat into a wildebeest, or infesting their bed with brownies, or perhaps setting the cleaners on them as they enter their garage?'”

“Sarah added ‘likes being manhandled’ to the Goblin King S&M checklist.”

“Sarah tried to suppress the mental image of a sinfully naked Jareth ‘dance magic dancing’ around a bonfire. Then she thought ‘what the hell?’ and proceeded to picture the scene in all its glory.”

“She pretended to ponder that information. ‘That’s true. You haven’t involved Ludo in your pervy rituals, have you?'”