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I hereby decree that the day Pedro Almodóvar announces he will be directing an American script, will be the day I go to the office completely naked. Furthermore, if the script is not an Almodóvar original, I will also proceed to soil my seat. Luckily, the master filmmaker doesn’t even enjoy giving interviews in English, so I think I am safe in stating that I will never have to attend a staff meeting with nothing but a pencil and my d*ck.

On his latest film Volver, all the reviews, which are deservedly positive, reach the same conclusion: Almodóvar is one talented fatherf*cker. There is no doubt that he could turn the camera onto a free-floating plastic bag in a bricked corner and the guy would win the Palm D’Ore or Cesar, or the Oscar, which he has in fact.

So what makes Almodóvar’s films so deliciously awesome?

Well, for starters, the guy is completely unapologetic.

And then comes everything else; humor, originality, music, warmth, wit, sardonic charm and well, Spanish women, trannies, sex and paella!

Nobody could ever say that an Almodóvar film is not Almodóvar as is said about directors who have been making films for decades.

Almodovar at the core remains unabashedly Almodóvar. Volver is the perfect and newest and perhaps the most vibrant example.

Where All About My Mother ( Todo sobre mi madre (1999) ) left off, Volver picks up, creating a sort of double pair box-set of the director’s most popular work (or most accessible to American audiences rather).The aforementioned films revolve around his best subject; women, whereas the in-between Talk to Her ( Hable con ella (2002) ) and Bad Education (Mala educación, La (2004)) focus on the relationships between men. Volver grabs you not for its kitschiness (only American critics have called it that: weird), as it seems to be much more mature and darker than even Talk to Her, but for its candor and emotion.Is it possible to make a film that pulls at your heartstrings so gently and makes you want to piss yourself in laughter and not call it schmaltzy or sentimental or just lame?/>Well, if you’ve cast Sandra Bullock then no, it’s not.But if your leading lady is Penelope Cruz then YES!And if the director is Almodóvar then Penelope Cruz will be so f*cking good in the movie, you can bet your gazpacho you will want to canonize her alive.I swear you will and I swear she’s that good.I don’t want to give anything away about this film except to say that Almodóvar has created a Spanish and certainly universal film classic.

Oh and by the way, if you want to see more Almodóvar I recommend you check out the following in the order in which they were made:(Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown)(1988) (Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down)(1990) ,(Live Flesh) (1997), (All About My Mother)(1999), (Talk to Her)(2002)

So now when Volver (2006) finally opens in DC in late December (we are not LA nor are we NYC),you will know just how good this man is and widly imagine what gem he will make next.

And for the foreign film-fearing, no worries, there are subtitles.