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With all the sexual harassment/assault/rape allegations cycling through the news on an almost-daily basis, how am I (a single woman) supposed to have a conversation with a man without tearing off his fucking face? In 2017 am I expected to strike up a conversation with a dude in a bar and not unleash thousands of years of internalized rage upon him? Surely no one out there still expects me to hide behind the facade of an agreeable woman, because I kind of stopped cutting my nails and should the opportunity to pluck out the eyeballs of some douchebag present itself. I will.

Lately it’s been a real struggle for me to NOT push every guy on the sidewalk into oncoming traffic. Based on statistics, the news, and my own personal experiences, there isn’t a single man worth saving. I realize some people think violence isn’t the answer, but the other day the phone rang and when I picked up guess who was on the other end? Violence. And I was like, “Wow okay I get where you’re coming from because I 100% want to replace the dangerous sport that is football with the literal sport that is my foot against some balls, but that’s kind of not legal.”

Every time a man opens up his mouth in casual conversation, I briefly consider gnawing off my own hands (except it’s not sexy for a lady to REALLY EAT in front of a man) because if I don’t I am almost positive I will pull out his tongue while screaming, “NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOW YOU’RE ONE OF THE NICE ONES, BRAD.” Holy shit. Brad will of course not survive The Reckoning. Neither will your fucking friend Steve who “doesn’t get what Louis CK did wrong because he asked permission first.”

I picture going out on a date and trying to wait for the salad to arrive before I say, “So, Mike… Have you ever raped anyone? And please pass the bread,” but I honestly can’t. My current Bumble profile literally reads “No rapists plz,” but I’m not sure I’m being as direct as a good old fashioned punch to the dick could be.

So how do I navigate these already murky dating waters when every dude most assuredly deserves to be run over by a bus full of women while they read aloud from their favorite female authors? The answer is I honestly don’t know. I don’t know how to not feel the desire to rewatch all of Buffy so I too can rip out a man’s heart while wearing form-fitting pleather pants and a spunky hair clip.

For now I’m just going to go to the gym more. I’m going to go everyday. I’m not going to picture dropping a dumbbell onto the man next to me who won’t stop looking at the ass of the woman on the elliptical in front of him. Instead I’ll walk over to that woman and let her know what’s going on, so together we can turn around and act out that scene from the Handmaid’s Tale when all the women are allowed to circle a rapist and kick the shit out of him.

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