All Words: Ba’Naka!!!
Editor’s Note: This week we are pleased to welcome the peerless Ba’Naka, one of the fabulous Ladies of Town, who will be recapping Ru Paul’s Drag Race for the rest of the season! BITCHES WATCH OUT.
My name is Ba’Naka, I’m just a local jaded, self proclaimed “super star” drag queen with serious delusions of grandeur, with an affinity for Absolut Vodka and RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now, while I’ve never been on Drag Race (try as I may) I have been voted off America’s Got Talent. You should know, I have no real qualifications for writing this weekly review but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Take a journey into my snarky/fabulous mind as I review season 4 of RuPaul’s Drag Race!
In the wake of Alisa Summers’ departure, the Girls enter the work room to find Alisa’s farewell message, “Keep it cute ladies, shady sisters 4-ever.” Jiggily, who seems very much relieved to still be in the competition, is ready to get down to business. As we get our weekly She-Mail I can’t help but notice that Ru looks blurrier than usual. Did someone smear a jar a Vaseline on the camera or did I lose HD for a hot second? After our fearless leader/hostess gives yet another one of her cryptic messages we find out the ladies will need to pump it up if they want to stay ahead in the game.
And before we jump further in, let me welcome this week’s Celebrity Washingtonian Co-Recapper who will sit alongside me in spirit.
Celebrity Washingtonian: Marion Barry
Drag Name: Coco Caine
Junk in yo’ Trunk! The queens must pad for the gods and show off their assets in this mini runway challenge. Now, as a lady of the night myself who actually wears padding to give me my oh-so-gurlish figure, I can tell you carving up a decent pair of hips out of an old Lazy Boy is a lot harder (and time consuming) than one might think. With only 30 minutes to do the deed the ladies get to work. The Dolls present their new derrieres during this re-BuhDonk-ulous runway walk-off. From this we have three divas who stand out, Miss PhiPhi O’Hara, Willam Belli & the pretty in pink – Chad Michaels. These three beauties become the Team Leaders for our Main Challenge.
*PS did anyone else clock the cottage cheese Miss Jiggily Caliente was rocking? I would have padded the round of my hound and not accentuated the chuck in my trunk like legs but hey she made it on the show and I didn’t #BitterAsHell
WTF – That’s right…we got some Lady Wrestler Realness going on here and I get the feeling that more than just shade will be thrown around in tonight’s episode! The team captains start choosing their fellow queens and sadly we know that there is always going to be that one queen left standing (kind of like that dented can of cream of mushroom soup that no one really wants even though it’s half off) and it’s poor Madame LaQueer. After some instructions on how to be badass she-hulks from “professional” Wrestlers –sorry I didn’t catch their names I was busy pouring myself another Absolut Mandarin and Ginger in the other room during that hot-mess of a lesson.
While prepping for the challenge we find out that Madame LaQueer has a previous foot injury that repeatedly comes up during this entire episode (I may have made a slight drinking game with my friends centered around this, take a shot every time LaQueer brings it up).
During the WTF challenge we get to know a little bit more of the girls personality, we find out that Lashauwn Beyond and the Princess are awfully shy. This comes as a disadvantage in a challenge that requires the queens to be loud and boisterous.
The Lady Smack-Down begins and I have to admit, in the 4 seasons of drag race so far this is absolutely the best main challenge yet. I thoroughly enjoyed Kenya powderpuff attack on Miss Phi Phi…that brought new meaning to the term, “Her mug was BEAT” it was truly everything… and I thank you!
The Dolls were asked for this weeks runway challenge to bring their best Girly Girl look to the Main Stage. Before I break down the contestants runway looks I have to stay true to my journalistic integrity and comment on the Legendary Divas ensemble … what was Ru wearing? Be glad Joan Rivers wasn’t one of the judges on that panel she would have called the fashion police herself! OK…now that I have officially ruined any chance I might have of getting on Drag Race let’s break down these looks.
Kenya Michaels: Nicki Minaj is bitter that this bitch stole her look!
Lashauwn Beyond: Looks like a Pride Float gone wrong…
Sharon Needles: I’m sorry, I hated her girly look… hated it…please bring back the edgy meth look
Jiggily Caliente: Sugar Pop 80’s … but lose the damn lollipop…it’s lowering your street value!
Milan: Ew – polka dots – nuff said
Madame Laqueer: Serving Lisa Lampanelli realness!
Dita Ritz: Carie Bradshaw my a$$!
Chad Michaels: Beverly Hills meets Debbie does Dallas – loved it!!
the Princess: Punk Rock Debutante and I’m living for it!
Phi Phi O’Hara: I don’t get it?
Latrice Royale: When did Star Jones get dipped into a vat of Pepto Bismal?
Willam Belli: Serving a bit of Britney Spears’ Disorented-realness
Judgement & Lip-Synch
The Judges panel is a little bit feisty tonight. Mr. Billy B is feeling particularly fierce in this episode, basically tearing down the Queens one by one and he is not afraid to disagree with his fellow judges. At one point he tells a doll that she is a bit heavy handed with her makeup and this is when my homegirl, Michelle Visage and her wonder twins come to the rescue. “Her makeup IS a little heavy handed” glances around the judges panel “But whose isn’t”, Visage says with a smirk as they pan to Ru.
Guest Judges, the Sxy Rick Fox (the former Mr. Vanessa Williams) & John Salley got in a few quips but nothing really note worthy (not sure why they were even judges, was Chyna too busy?). Our Winner(s) tonight were both Chad Michaels & Madame LaQueer (oh, yes I have decided to extend my LaQueer Foot-Injury drinking game for the rest of the season…I have a feeling it will come up again). The ladies rejoice but are swiftly told by Ru they will not receive immunity for next weeks challenge, for some reason this prompts Willam to grin like the devil (I kind of like this one…he’s sassy).
We go down the row with the bottom girls and after giving Dita and Willam and solid shake down we find out that it’s Miss Lashauwn Beyond & the Princess that end up having to Lip-Synch. They duel to Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls,” a retro fun hit and make me long for a siren and a pair of handcuffs. While Lashauwn pulls a bold/dumb move by removing her heels before the song even starts the Princess takes the lead hitting every beat & lyric while Miss Beyond saunters around stage in her stockings providing Willam with material for some excellent commentary…I believe Lashauwn was compared to some sort of waterfowl during this number. I can’t be sure–I was laughing so hard I spit out a good amount of Mandarin Vodka. Alas as I gained composure, it became apparent that Leshauwn Beyond was going to sashay away while the Princess got to shante for another week.
We learned something here, didn’t we? I learned that even though you may think the girl with a broken ankle is going down she still has a leg up on two introverts that clam up during a drag queen lady wrestler challenge (especially if one decides to walk down the runway with a gumball machine for an accessory). Until next week kids!
*And remember you can always catch me at Town Danceboutique for the Ladies of Town Drag Show every Friday and Saturday night – 10:30pm (yes, that was a shameless plug)