If you guys live above a rock, you will likely have heard of this guy called Jamie Oliver; he is British and he cooks, and people cook his recipes because of this. Because I am in Argentina right now, and because Argentina (like most of the planet) adheres to the metric system, I decided that I, too, would attempt to cook a Jamie Oliver recipe.
SIDE NOTE: If you have ever wondered what :/ means, it means: I am about to cook a Jamie Oliver recipe. (The ambivalence is off the charts / AM I HAVING A PERSONALITY CRISIS?!)
Expectation 1: shopping would be easy and accurate because of aforementioned #METRICSYSTEM.
Reality 1: I pretty much winged it.
Expectation 2: a relatively okay-looking British man would appear on my shoulder to coach me through the cooking process.
Reality 2: there was a gnat in the kitchen despite the fact that it was forty degrees out today. (The gnat was not Jamie Oliver, and therefore offered little to no cooking advice.)
Expectation 3: there would be a lot of cooking equipment and also those little white bowls, even, to facilitate the cooking of the seven ingredient recipe in my rented apartment.
Reality 3: there was a bread knife and also some red clay bowls that may or may not have housed potted plants at one point in time.
Expectation 4: alcohol would be a nice way to unwind whilst cooking.
Reality 4: alcohol was a mistake.
Expectation 5: I would most definitely be eating the delicious, chorizo-y fruits of my Jamie Oliver cooking experience, and not a pizza.
Reality 5: I tasted the fruits of my labor. I then threw the fruits of my labor in the trash and ate a Hawaiian pizza, which (in Argentina) is referred to as a Brazilian pizza. (In light of the Jamie Oliver cooking disaster, I was not put off my the word association that came along with “Brazilian”.)
CONCLUSIONS: please do not ever try to cook a thing that Jamie Oliver thinks you are capable of cooking at home, even if it requires less than ten ingredients. Jamie Oliver is fooling you and me and everyone we know, and we should have just gotten the Bikini Wax Pizza to begin with.
(THE END.)
