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As I’m sure you’re all well aware by now, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow announced their separation. This is obviously devastating news for everyone on the planet, so I felt it was only fair that at least one half of the ex-pair would explain what was going on. AS SUCH, I managed to secure an ultra-exclusive interview with Chris Martin in GIF form. Here is what transpired:

So Chris, first of all, I just want to say…

Wait, what? Chris, I’m really flattered, but it’s been like THIRTY SECONDS and you’re already flirting? Look, I know you’re just trying to pretend like all of this isn’t happening, and this is some weird form of denial, but we have to acknowledge it, okay? So let’s get serious and talk about what’s going on with you emotionally. I mean, what’s the deal? What went wrong?

I mean, that’s really true. Relationships are a LOT of work, especially when you’re both very famous, very successful people. And I’m also sure that Gwyneth’s health regimen put a strain on things…like, did you ever try to communicate to Gwyneth that her blogging was getting out of hand? What were your exact words?

God, they really need to make all blogging platforms come with the disclaimer: “Who does blogging hurt? EVERYONE. (But especially Chris Martin.)” And I mean, would you say that GOOP was the main cause of your breakup? Or were there other factors involved, and if so, what were they?

Oh god, DENTISTS?! I totally feel you on that one. I mean, don’t even get me started…fuck those guys for real. Do you think that YOU had anything to do with the split, though? Like, do you think she didn’t like the elephant suit in that video for “Paradise”?

Okay, well, what I meant by that is that like, maybe she would’ve been partial to a giraffe suit or a tiger suit, and you went and picked an elephant. Like, maybe she felt left out of the creative decision making process, or maybe she’s just really scared of elephants and was pissed that you didn’t know that about her.

I know, right? I bet you never even considered that before. Pretty mind-blowing, right? How are you just now realizing that this could have been the cause for the dissolution of your relationship? Okay, okay, let’s not dwell on what’s in the past. Instead, let’s talk about the here and now, yeah? Now, what are your views on love now that you’ve kind of crashed and burned with Gwyneth? Any advice to those of us aspiring to fall in love?

Totally true, totally true. And what would you like the world to know about YOU now that you are sort of past the point of return in terms of picking up the pieces of your relationship and living happily ever after?

Oh my god, TRUE DAT, SISTA. But in all seriousness, I really do wish you nothing but the best from here on out. And I mean, if you want to pick back up with that flirting thing we did at the start of this interview, I am totally all for that. I just want you to heal properly first, yeah? Because what it all comes down to is that we have all the time in the world, and I will wait for you, and when you are ready, I will be sure to blog as little as possible. #DOWNWITHGOOP