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Welcome back to another Super Bowl, you guys! If you’re like me, you have no understanding whatsoever of football. I mean, I understand the GENERAL idea (aka to get the ball across the field for a touchdown) but if we’re talking positions, plays, odds…I’m totally at a loss. Maybe that’s why I elected myself honorary spectator of my sorority’s powder puff team in college:

For some reason, though (read: gluttony) I really don’t mind the Super Bowl. Does that mean that for one night a year I understand football any better? Hardly. But it DOES mean that I have to (or at least probably SHOULD) pick a side to root for, which (due to my knowledge deficiency in the realm of American football) can be difficult from a statistical standpoint. THAT means I have to examine other kinds of factors to determine which team will likely reign supreme. And this year, it all comes down to the San Francisco 49ers vs the Kansas City Chiefs. (FINALLY it has not come down to the New England Patriots!) SO, I would like to invite you to join me in determining “your” team using a very scientifically sound method I invented (which has actually helped to predict accurate results in years past!) // PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PLAY ALONG BASED ON YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF QUESTIONABLE ATHLETIC EXPERTISE/VALIDITY:

SHORT ANSWER

In too big a hurry to join me in weighing in all of the various factors? The 49ers should win because San Francisco is v. queer and I love that! Also, because this!

LONG(ER) ANSWER

If, for some reason, you are unsatisfied by the short answer solution, then perhaps you will join me in assessing the situation via the below six categories, which were developed in a lab setting and are incredibly technical:

PLACES I HAVE BEEN

It’s all about LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION! And because I have only visited San Francisco (and thoroughly enjoyed myself, PS) of the two cities represented this year, it automatically wins this category. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I mean, I do, but…that’s not important right now.)

49ers  – 1, Chiefs – 0

POP CULTURE

Everyone knows that the best and most accurate way to get to know a place is through the magic of Hollywood, so GET LOST, FODOR’S, ’cause movies have already shaped my thoughts and ideas about these cities. Let’s start w/ San Francisco, shall we?

My brain is actually exploding trying to think of which examples of pop cultural representation I should talk about here, because there are just SO MANY good things that are set and/or filmed in the SF Bay Area. Full House! (Not Fuller House because I’m not a loser psychopath!) Harold and Maude! Tales of the City! Charmed! The OA! The Man in the High Castle! That’s So Raven! (And these are just the things I personally like! This is the tip of the iceberg!) 

If we’re talking about Kansas City, though…well, the list is a little less expansive. Like, what’s there to choose from here? Looper? Malcolm and Eddie? SLIM PICKIN’S.

Basically, Kansas City never stood a ghost of a chance in this category. The point shall be awarded to the 49ers.

49ers – 2, Chiefs – 0

LOCAL CUISINE

This is probably the toughest category to call, because both teams’ hometowns are purveyors of some SOLID cuisine. Starting with the Bay Area, we’ve gotta acknowledge the strong AF Mexican food game, with special emphasis on the fact that SF was the birthplace of the Mission-style burrito. SF also lays claim to the invention of fortune cookies, chop suey, rocky road ice cream, the Hangtown Fry, Mai Tai cocktails and Pisco Punch. Kansas City, on the other hand, is a BBQ mecca, the self-proclaimed barbecue capital OF THE WORLD. Seeing as I am personally a mega fan of burritos and rocky road, my heart tells me I need to vote for SF here. But I think it might be borderline morally objectionable not to award the point to Kansas City, seeing as BBQ is (so far, anyway) seemingly all it’s got. And so, we will award the Chiefs the win for this category.

49ers – 2 , Chiefs – 1

MUSIC

I mean, it’s really no contest in this arena. Kansas City lays claim to some solid jazz and blues heritage, but what else? The Get Up Kids? Burt Bacharach? Meanwhile, SF’s got The Grateful Dead! Dead Kennedys! NOFX! Deerhoof! Black Rebel Motorcycle Club! Metallica! Sun Kil Moon! I realize I have to dock points for Smash Mouth, but even still! We’re not even gonna get into the broader Bay Area because it would just be REAL UNFAIR, but basically, in sum, the 49ers win this category according to me!

49ers – 3, Chiefs – 1

FAMOUS NATIVES

Which of the two teams’ hometowns has the more impressive roster of natives? Kicking things off with KC, we’ve got Don Cheadle, Chris Cooper, Dianne West, Eminem, Walter Cronkite, Melissa Etheridge Ellie Kemper and Jean Harlow (sex symbol of the 1930s wowee!) all calling the place home. Not a terrible showing overall, but nothing really getting my heart aflutter. Meanwhile, SF can claim Alexander Calder, Levi Strauss, Ansel Adams, Margaret Cho, Danny Glover, Robert Frost, Joe DiMaggio, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love (until her mom moved the family)…the list goes on! And while I have to deduct some posi-vibes for the Silicon Valley thing and the looming existence of people like Mark Zuckerberg (and the Zodiac Killer, and OJ Simpson), I would say that (while it’s not a TOTAL landslide) SF wins this round!

49ers – 4, Chiefs – 1

FLAGS AND NICKNAMES

HERE I will award two points depending on who has the better flag and/or nickname. Let’s start with SF:

I mean, eagles are p. tight I guess, but I’m not overly hype on this flag. I honestly thought SF would really do it to ‘em here. Similarly, I’m not super blown away by any of its many nicknames, except for “Fog City”, which sounds like a horror film I would watch.

Meanwhile, for Kansas City’s flag situation…

I’m not gonna lie, I think this flag is REAL DOPE. It feels oddly sophisticated, like kind of what I would imagine if Denver and France had a baby? If that makes sense? (I think it might not make sense out loud but in my heart it does.) It’s also nicknamed the “City of Fountains” which sounds v. profound! In short, I like all of it, and it’s gonna get the goddamn point!

49ers – 4, Chiefs – 2

CONCLUSION

It wasn’t a totally devastating loss on Kansas City’s part,  but we do have to conclude that San Francisco is the true cultural (and thus athletic) behemoth out of the two contenders. Now, I will say that my foolproof system doesn’t always guarantee a WINNING team in the sense of taking home a trophy. (So don’t like, bet your house based on my methodology, but it did work last year, so…) It does, however, determine who is the actual winner re: geography, and rooting for the 49ers this year at your Super Bowl gatherings will make you look like a true scholar. Here’s to a 49ers win,but mostly many, many, MANY beers ‘n snacks this weekend.

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