Welcome back to another Super Bowl, you guys! If you’re like me, you have no understanding whatsoever of football. I mean, I understand the GENERAL idea (aka to get the ball across the field for a touchdown) but if we’re talking positions, plays, odds…I’m totally at a loss. Maybe that’s why I elected myself honorary spectator of my sorority’s powder puff team in college:
For some reason, though (read: gluttony) I really don’t mind the Super Bowl. Does that mean that for one night a year I understand football any better? Hardly. But it DOES mean that I have to (or at least probably SHOULD) pick a side to root for, which (due to my sports knowledge deficiency) can be difficult from a statistical standpoint. THAT means I have to examine other kinds of factors to determine which team will likely reign supreme. And this year, it all comes down to the LA Rams vs the New England Patriots. (It will apparently never not come down to at least the New England Patriots.) SO, I would like to invite you to join me in determining “your” team using a very scientifically sound method I invented (which helped me predict an Eagles win last year!) // PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PLAY ALONG BASED ON YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF QUESTIONABLE ATHLETIC EXPERTISE/VALIDITY:
In too big a hurry to join me in weighing in all of the various factors? Here is a New Yorker cartoon from last year that sums things up pretty perfectly // just imagine “Eagles” says “Rams”:
But in all seriousness, root for the Rams, you fucking idiots! Tom Brady is (as always) a flaming pile of diarrhea, and if the Pats take home the title this year, it’ll be over my dead body.
I hope Brady gets clotheslined mercilessly, and that the whole team loses REAL HARD.
If, for some reason, you are undeterred by rooting for the team of the poster child of white privilege, then perhaps you will join me in assessing the situation via the below six categories, which were developed in a lab setting and are incredibly technical:
PLACES I HAVE BEEN
It’s all about LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION! And I happen to have visited both LA and New England before, so let’s talk about my experiences in each location to determine which one is better. (Although you can probably guess without reading any further.)
I have only been to LA one time, and that was a few years ago, but it was MAGICAL. My whole life people tried to tell me that my East Coast DNA wouldn’t gel with West Coast relaxed attitudes and/or sunshine, but you know what? They were all wrong! I love palm trees! I love In-N-Out! I even love traffic if it’s on the PCH!
Regarding New England, my experience is limited mainly to college visits with my mom when I was in high school. Based on my experiences in both places, LA very obviously gets the point in this category.
RAMS – 1, PATS – 0
Everyone knows that the best and most accurate way to get to know a place is through the magic of Hollywood, so GET LOST, FODOR’S, ’cause movies have already shaped my thoughts and ideas about these cities. Let’s start w/ LA, shall we?
And HELLO, TINSELTOWN! I mean, again, we have a semi-obvious victor already; my brain is actually exploding trying to think of which examples of pop cultural representation I should use to illustrate my point, because there are just SO MANY that are set in LA and/or the surrounding area. Troop Beverly Hills! Point Break! Beverly Hills Cop! Pretty Woman! Clueless! Boogie Nights! The Big Lebowski! Crash! Somewhere! 90210! The L Word! Arrested Development! LOVE! The OC! JEOPARDY! (These are just the things I personally like! This is the tip of the iceberg!)
If we’re talking about the broad non-state of New England, maybe you’re immediately yelling, “Megan! GILMORE GIRLS!” Listen, I’ll be real honest with you, I fell off the Gilmore Girls bandwagon long ago, and if you’re still clinging to that raft of fast talkers and complex small town relationships, then that’s something you have to live with. But I do appreciate the cultural phenomenon, and it is a heavy hitter. (Also, Family Guy.) In the movie category, I will have to deduct points for such films as Jaws (the movie series that scarred me for life, probably leading to my disdain for summertime in some capacity) and Pet Sematary // NO THANKS! There are quite a few good things, though, like Beetlejuice, Mystic Pizza, Hocus Pocus, Practical Magic, Moonrise Kingdom…
But let’s be real…New England (nor anyone else, really) stood a chance against LA in this category. The point shall be awarded to the Rams.
RAMS – 2, PATS – 0
Sure, New England’s got the lobster rolls and clam chowder, but are you seriously (I mean SERIOUSLY) going to pass up street tacos or In-N-Out for a lobster roll and a bowl of clam chowder? Ummm…not on MY watch you’re not. (And I am saying this as someone who eats vegetables 90% of the time.) LA, you win times ten. For further evidence that LA food rules, here are some items that were allegedly invented in LA – the French dip, the hot fudge sundae, the Orange Julius, the Cobb salad, THE CHEESEBURGER. (I rest my case.)
RAMS – 3 , PATS – 0
This is starting to get painful, no? When it comes to the LA music scene, there is no way in hell that New England could even get a punch in. I mean, do we even need to get into it here?
This is not to mention that (and I know some of you New Englanders are going to lose your damn minds when I say this, but…) New England’s musical claims to fame are just not that impressive or noteworthy in the first place, in my opinion. (And likely in many other people’s opinion.) And so I award another point to the Rams.
RAMS – 4, PATS – 0
Look, New England is a big region, and can claim Amy Poehler, Anna Kendrick, Lizzie Borden, Sarah Silverman, Stephen King, Carly Simon, Sylvia Plath, THE WITCHES OF SALEM…but even with this impressive repertoire and wide geographical wingspan, you would have to take me for a goddamn fool not to award Los Angeles the point in this category. We’re talking Cher! Angelina Jolie! Tyra Banks! Beck! Rashida Jones! Juliette Lewis! Willow and Jaden! Nicole Richie! Gigi and Bella! Gwyneth Paltrow! Dr. Dre! Jeff Bridges! Candice Bergen! Snoop Dogg! George Takei! Kim Gordon! Jodie Foster! Tim Burton! Jamie Lee Curtis (aka Jamie Lee Haden-Guest, Baroness Haden-Guest)! The Kardashian-Jenners! EVEN TOM BRADY IS FROM CALIFORNIA FFS!
RAMS – 5, PATS – 0
FLAGS AND NICKNAMES
HERE I will award two points depending on who has the better flag and/or nickname. Let’s start with both LA and California:
I’m very much here for both of these flags. The first one is RASTA AF. The second has a goddamn bear! And in nickname territory, I’m pretty okay with “City of Angels”, y’all.
Meanwhile, for New England’s flag situation…
I don’t dislike this flag. I’m into the minimalist Christmas vibes. But it just seems a little “meh” post-LA and California flags. The nickname situation, is apparently “Yankeeland”, which I hate pretty intensely, so I will be awarding no points there.
SO…ANOTHER point for the Rams is in order, I think.
RAMS – 6, PATS – 0
The Rams are the obvious choice in this matter. I did not award a single point to New England, which has never happened in the history of this very scientific method. Now, I will say that my foolproof system doesn’t always guarantee a WINNING team in the sense of taking home a trophy. (So don’t like, bet your house based on my methodology, but it did work last year, so…) It does, however, determine who is the actual winner re: geography, and rooting for the Rams this year at your Super Bowl gatherings will make you look like a true scholar. Here’s to a Rams win, a Pats demise, and many, many, MANY chicken wings ‘n beers this weekend.