Welcome back to another Super Bowl, you guys! If you’re like me, you have no understanding whatsoever of football. I mean, I understand the GENERAL idea (aka to get the ball across the field for a touchdown) but if we’re talking positions, plays, odds…I’m totally at a loss. Maybe that’s why I elected myself honorary spectator of my sorority’s powder puff team in college:
For some reason, though (read: gluttony) I really don’t mind the Super Bowl. Does that mean that for one night a year I understand football any better? Hardly. But it DOES mean that I have to (or at least probably SHOULD) pick a side to root for, which (due to my sports knowledge deficiency) can be difficult from a statistical standpoint. THAT means I have to examine other kinds of factors to determine which team (New England Patriots or Philadelphia Eagles) will likely reign supreme. SO, I would like to invite you to join me in determining “your” team using a very scientifically sound method I invented // PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PLAY ALONG BASED ON YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF QUESTIONABLE ATHLETIC EXPERTISE/VALIDITY:
In too big a hurry to join me in weighing in all of the various factors? Here is a New Yorker cartoon that sums things up pretty perfectly:
But in all seriousness, root for the Eagles, you fucking idiots! Tom Brady is a flaming pile of diarrhea, and if the Pats take home the title this year, it’ll be over my dead body. Here was my dead body last year, after eating chicken wings for several hours and still coming up short re: moral justice –
I hope Brady gets clotheslined mercilessly, and that the whole team loses REAL HARD.
If, for some reason, you are undeterred by rooting for the team of the poster child of white privilege, then perhaps you will join me in assessing the situation via the below six categories, which were developed in a lab setting and are incredibly technical:
I have never actually properly been to Philadelphia, because the only time I go there is to catch a bus back to NYC if I’ve missed one out of Baltimore, where my family lives. Regarding New England, my experience is limited mainly to college visits when I was in high school. Now, here is where I have a dilemma in making a choice…New England is a Gilmore Girls postcard, while Philadelphia has the whole cheese steak and Rocky thing going for it. Based on my experiences in both places, though, New England gets an automatic pass; while this was a losing category for the Pats last year, I embarrassingly haven’t spent enough time in Philly to award it any points.
EAGLES – 0, PATS – 1
Everyone knows that the best and most accurate way to get to know a place is through the magic of Hollywood, so GET LOST, FODOR’S, ’cause movies have already shaped my thoughts and ideas about these cities. Let’s start w/ Philly, shall we?
I mean, just off the bat, It’s Always Sunny is automatically going to crush this category forever. Don’t even get me started on the merit that is awarded via Boy Meets World and Brotherly Love, plus the ultimate West Philly shout-out via the theme tune to Fresh Prince! And when it comes to movies, The Sixth Sense? Aforementioned Rocky? (Silver Linings Playbook?! Which I am not ashamed to admit I still like in spite of you all?!) Case closed.
If we’re talking about the broad non-state of New England, maybe you’re immediately yelling, “Megan! GILMORE GIRLS!” Listen, I’ll be real honest with you, I fell off the Gilmore Girls bandwagon long ago, and if you’re still clinging to that raft of fast talkers and complex small town relationships, then that’s something you have to live with. But I do appreciate the cultural phenomenon, and it is a heavy hitter. (Also, Family Guy.) In the movie category, I will have to deduct points for such films as Jaws (the movie series that scarred me for life, probably leading to my disdain for summertime in some capacity) and Pet Sematary // NO THANKS! There are quite a few good things, though, like Beetlejuice, Mystic Pizza, Hocus Pocus, Practical Magic, Moonrise Kingdom…
So who do I choose? I’m going to give a full point to the Eagles, because I can see no flaws re: Philly’s TV and film representation, at least from things I know and have watched. Meanwhile, horror films I hate knocked you down a peg, New England. Know where to draw the line, aka at badass witches.
EAGLES – 1, PATS – 1.5
Sure, New England’s got the lobster rolls and clam chowder, but are you seriously (I mean SERIOUSLY) going to pass up a cheese steak for a lobster roll and a bowl of clam chowder? Ummm…not on MY watch you’re not. (And I am saying this as someone who eats vegetables 90% of the time.) Philly, you win times ten. Further evidence that Philly rules – 1. hoagies, 2. Italian ice, 3. the Texas Tommy, 4. FUCKIN’ SODA! SODA WAS INVENTED IN PHILLY YOU GUYS! (I rest my case.)
EAGLES – 2 , PATS – 1.5
Philly was home to American Bandstand, and that fact in and of itself gives the Eagles a leg up in this category. Other Philadelphians include Patti LaBelle, Hall & Oates, Will Smith, Kurt Vile, Boyz II Men, Lisa Lopes, Lil Uzi Vert, to name a few. STRONG, YOU GUYS. STRONG.
And I know some of you New Englanders (PS why are you even reading this if you have an obvious team pick?) are going to lose your damn minds when I say this, but your musical claims to fame just (IMO) are not that impressive or noteworthy. And so I award another point to the Eagles.
EAGLES – 3, PATS – 1.5
Look, New England is a big region, and while Philly is home to Kevin Hart, Shane from The L Word and the Lawrence brothers, New England just has a wider wingspan, and can claim Amy Poehler, Anna Kendrick, Lizzie Borden, Sarah Silverman, Stephen King, Carly Simon, Sylvia Plath, THE WITCHES OF SALEM…so yeah, Pats win this one. (Bill Cosby is also from Philadelphia. Philadelphia stood no chance in this category.)
EAGLES – 3, PATS – 2.5
HERE I will award two points depending on who has the better flag and/or nickname. Let’s start with both Philadelphia and Pennsylvania:
I’m very much here for both of these flags. The first one is nice because it reminds me of Sweden and IKEA. The second is dope as hell! Two black stallions and a bald eagle? “Virtue, liberty and independence”? Yes, yes times a thousand!.And while “The City of Brotherly Love” isn’t what I’d choose to nickname MY town, I do appreciate its iconic value.
Meanwhile, for New England’s flag situation…
I don’t dislike this flag. I’m into the minimalist Christmas vibes. But it just seems a little “meh” post-Philly and PA flags. The nickname situation, is apparently “Yankeeland”, which I hate pretty intensely, so I will be awarding no points there.
SO…a point for the Eagles is in order, I think.
EAGLES – 4, PATS – 2.5
The Eagles are the obvious choice in this matter. Now, I will say that my foolproof system doesn’t always guarantee a WINNING team in the sense of taking home a trophy. (So don’t like, bet your house based on my methodology.) It does, however, determine who is the actual winner re: geography, and rooting for the Eagles this year at your Super Bowl gatherings will make you look like a true scholar. Here’s to an Eagles win, a Pats demise, and many, many, MANY chicken wings ‘n beers this weekend.