If you’re like me, you have no understanding whatsoever of football. I mean, I understand the GENERAL idea (aka to get the ball across the field for a touchdown) but if we’re talking positions, plays, odds…I’m totally at a loss. Maybe that’s why I elected myself honorary spectator of my sorority’s powder puff team in college:
For some reason, though (read: gluttony) I really don’t mind the Super Bowl. Does that mean that for one night a year I understand football any better? Hardly. But it DOES mean that I have to (or at least probably SHOULD) pick a side to root for, which (due to my sports knowledge deficiency) can be difficult from a statistical standpoint. THAT means I have to examine other kinds of factors to determine which team (New England Patriots or Atlanta Falcons) will likely reign supreme. SO, I would like to invite you to join me in determining “your” team using a very scientifically sound method I invented // PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PLAY ALONG BASED ON YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF QUESTIONABLE ATHLETIC VALIDITY:
Root for the Falcons, you fucking idiots! Tom Brady is a flaming pile of diarrhea, and if the Pats take home the title this year, it’ll be over my dead body. I hope Brady gets clotheslined mercilessly, and that the whole team loses REAL HARD.
If, for some reason, you are undeterred by rooting for the team of the poster child of white privilege, then perhaps you will join me in assessing the situation via the below six categories, which were developed in a lab setting and are incredibly technical:
I’ve actually visited both teams’ geographic regions, but regarding ATL, I have only ever experienced it via the airport during journeys to and from Argentina, and regarding New England, my experience is limited mainly to college visits when I was in high school. Now, here is where I have a dilemma in making a choice…New England is a Gilmore Girls postcard, and it gets nice and cold up there, while Atlanta strikes me as much warmer and sunnier, which I really hate. However, based on my experiences in both places, New England gets an automatic fail; having to travel with your mom to look at colleges you’re stressed about getting into (and driving through all of that from VIRGINIA) is a nightmare, while coasting on down to South America, which I was able to do cheaply by making that Georgia pit stop, was and always will be #MAGICAL. So ye olde Falcons will take our first point.
FALCONS – 1, PATS – 0
Everyone knows that the best and most accurate way to get to know a place is through the magic of Hollywood, so GET LOST, FODOR’S, ’cause movies have already shaped my thoughts and ideas about these cities. Let’s start w/ Atlanta, shall we?
There is an entire TV show ft. Donald Glover named after Atlanta, so you already know they’re going to be tough to beat in this category, but in case you needed a swift 1-2 punch to the gut, Designing Women was set in Atlanta. (Also, there is a Real Housewives of Atlanta. Where is your Real Housewives of New England?) And if we’re talking movies, uhhhhh how about GONE WITH THE WIND?! That’s like THE movie of movies.
And if we’re talking about the broad non-state of New England, maybe you’re immediately yelling, “Megan! GILMORE GIRLS!” Listen, I’ll be real honest with you, I fell off the Gilmore Girls bandwagon long ago, and if you’re still clinging to that raft of fast talkers and complex small town relationships, then that’s something you have to live with. But I do appreciate the cultural phenomenon, and it is a heavy hitter. (Also, Family Guy.) In the movie category, I will have to deduct points for such films as Jaws (the movie series that scarred me for life, probably leading to my disdain for summertime in some capacity) and Pet Sematary // NO THANKS! There are quite a few good things, though, like Beetlejuice, Mystic Pizza, Hocus Pocus, Practical Magic, Moonrise Kingdom…
So who do I choose? I’m going to give 0.5 to Atlanta, namely because Designing Women is LIFE, but New England gets the full point, largely because of its cinematic representations of witches and other strong female leads who would likely spit on Tom Brady if they saw him on the street.
FALCONS – 1.5, PATS – 1
This is another category that may end up in a tie; Atlanta has some dank ass southern food, while New England’s got the lobster rolls and clam chowder. If you hate seafood then 1. ATL would be the obvious winner here, but also 2. we probably wouldn’t get along so well. In the spirit of game day food, I’m going to have to give ATL the full point here (nobody’s trying to watch a football game while eating a bucket of scrod) and New England the half, just because I would be into it on a non-sporting occasion.
FALCONS- 2.5, PATS – 1.5
I don’t think there’s much to argue or explain here. Atlanta wins this round hands-down.
FALCONS – 3.5, PATS – 1.5
Look, New England is a big region, and while Atlanta has some great musicians and also Raven Symone, New England can claim Amy Poehler, Anna Kendrick, Lizzie Borden, Sarah Silverman, Stephen King, Carly Simon, Sylvia Plath, THE WITCHES OF SALEM…so yeah, Pats win this one.
FALCONS – 3.5, PATS – 2.5
HERE I will award two points depending on who has the better flag and/or nickname. Let’s start with both Atlanta + Georgia:
I’m kind of bored with the flags. As for the nicknames, Hollywood of the South, Hotlanta, the Big Peach…all of these are most excellent, and I say yes yes a thousand times yes.
Meanwhile, for New England’s flag situation…
Christmas vibes. I like it. The nickname situation, is apparently “Yankeeland”, which I hate pretty intensely, so I will be awarding no points there.
SO…a point for the Falcons and a point for the Pats.
FALCONS – 4.5, PATS – 3.5
It was close, but the Atlanta Falcons are the clear winner, which is very excellent considering what we have already established via the SHORT ANSWER section. Here’s to a Falcons win, a Pats demise, and many, many, MANY chicken wings ‘n beers this weekend.