If you’re like me, you have no understanding whatsoever of football. I mean, I understand the GENERAL idea (aka to get the ball across the field for a touchdown) but if we’re talking positions, plays, odds…I’m totally at a loss. Maybe that’s why I elected myself honorary spectator of my sorority’s powder puff team in college:
For some reason, though (read: gluttony) I really don’t mind the Super Bowl. Does that mean that for one night a year I understand football any better? Hardly. But it DOES mean that I have to (or at least probably SHOULD) pick a side to root for, which (due to my sports knowledge deficiency) can be difficult from a statistical standpoint. THAT means I have to examine other kinds of factors to determine which team (Denver Broncos or Carolina Panthers) will likely reign supreme. SO, I would like to invite you to join me in determining “your” team using a very scientifically sound method I invented, which consists of six total categories // PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PLAY ALONG BASED ON YOUR OWN OPINIONS OF QUESTIONABLE ATHLETIC VALIDITY:
I’ve actually visited both teams’ home states, but regarding CO, it was technically just to make a layover at the Denver airport, and regarding North Carolina, my experience is limited to beach vacations far from Charlotte. You might think I’d lean towards the latter as my favorite of the two, then, but you would be wrong; I am perpetually pale and enjoy cold weather situations over warm ones, so (bearing in mind the picturesque snow-capped mountains that Colorado has to offer) I am going to have to determine that the Broncos get a point in this category.
BRONCOS – 1, PANTHERS – 0
Everyone knows that the best and most accurate way to get to know a place is through the magic of Hollywood, so GET LOST, FODOR’S, ’cause movies have already shaped my thoughts and ideas about these cities. Let’s start w/ Denver, shall we?
Denver is certainly not wholly representative of the entire state of Colorado, and the entire state of Colorado is not wholly representative of Denver. HOWEVER, there is still a guilty-by-association factor when it comes to film and television nods, and when things like Misery and The Shining are made to take place in ye olde ‘rado, it makes me feel mildly afraid of Denver as a result. Television-wise, I was mildly a fan of South Park in my tween years, but I’ve since fallen off that wagon.
In terms of Carolina, the TV situation isn’t much better in my opinion…was Dawson’s Creek shot in NC? Yes, but it took place in Massachusetts, so it doesn’t count. (And One Tree Hill sucks real hard, so that’s not gonna dig anyone out.) Film-wise, North Carolina’s fictional works fall equally hard as CO into the spooktacular category; from Cape Fear to The Descent, none of these particularly make me want to up and move to the Tar Heel State. HOWEVER, Junebug (non-scary) is probably one of my favorite movies ever AND is coincidentally set in NC, so by an ever so slight margin, I will give this category to the Panthers.
BRONCOS – 1, PANTHERS – 1
I can tell you that there was no real chance of Colorado winning me over here; North Carolina BBQ is dope as fuck, and despite having friends who post delicious-looking Instagram photos of food items from around Denver, it’s just no contest.
BRONCOS – 1, PANTHERS – 2
I feel like North Carolina’s got some heavy-hitters in this category when it comes to my own musical tastes (Elvis Depressedly, Megafaun, Sylvan Esso, K-Ci & JoJo…) and its female vocalist export list is undeniably rad (Tori Amos, Emmylou Harris, Roberta Flack, Nina Simone…), which kind of automatically makes this a tough category for the Broncos to sweep.
I will note that Colorado’s produced the likes of DeVotchKa, Judy Collins, Laura Veirs, etc., but the presence of The Fray automatically cancels out these positive strides. Panthers, you win.
BRONCOS – 1, PANTHERS – 3
I’m sure some would argue these shouldn’t count as “famous” natives of Colorado, but the fact that Kristin Cavallari, Heidi Montag AND Tim Allen all hail from the state could give the Broncos a leg up in this category. BUT, do you know who is from North Carolina? Julianne Moore is from North Carolina, and Julianne Moore is EVERYTHING. Panthers easily win this round.
BRONCOS – 1, PANTHERS – 4
HERE I will award two points in this category depending on who has the better flag and/or nickname. Let’s start with both Denver + Colorado:
From an aesthetic standpoint, I vibe with these flags REAL HARD. The colors are patriotic, I like that pop of yellow, and the minimalist design is right up my alley. Going to be tough to beat, I can tell you that much. As far as its nickname, “The Centennial State”, I’m kind of bored. That one might be beatable.
And for Charlotte + North Carolina’s flag situation…
As predicted, both pale in comparison to the Broncos’ flags. Nickname-wise, “The Tar Heel State” is indeed more intriguing than “The Centennial State”; it’s a term that’s to do with wars of yesteryear (it seems no one agrees which one, though), but it makes me imagine tar pits with dinosaurs, and I like that.
SO…a point for the Broncos and a point for the Panthers.
BRONCOS – 2, PANTHERS – 5
In case you weren’t keeping score like, at all, the Panthers blew this one out of the water. This actually kind of surprises me; if you asked me which place I’d rather live, I’d have for sure chosen Denver over Charlotte. HOWEVER, it’s very clear that one is better at football than the other for all of the above reasons. So. Here’s to a Panthers win and many, many, MANY chicken wings ‘n beers this weekend.