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If any of you caught SNL this past weekend, you probably saw Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant’s Grocery Store Ad sketch. And you probably noticed a lot of real sad nightmare snacks floating around in the cursed two minute and twenty-eight second affair, from Mint Pringles to Peeps Soup. But the worst one of all, the one that hit different, the one where I said “I FELT THAT!”, was 110% the Chex Mix Oops! All Pretzels.

Pretzels are easily the weakest link in a bag of Chex Mix, and if you think otherwise, I guess that means we’re sworn enemies. My power rankings for a bag of Traditional Chex Mix are as follows – Chex cereal (the wheat Chex aren’t as texturally pleasing, but they pack a zesty punch that I’ll allow), bagel chips, weird breadsticks, and finally, at the very absolute bottom, pretzels

What are they even doing there? Who asked for this misery? No amount of seasoning can mask the bland crunchy innards of those god forsaken circles and window panes. If Chex Mix is a party and everyone’s invited, pretzels are proof that somebody needed to hire a bouncer. They RUIN THE MOOD. THEY HAVE FIGURATIVELY SWITCHED OFF THE MUSIC AND TURNED ON THE OVERHEAD LIGHTS. GET ‘EM OUTTA HERE.

I’m positive there are some of you going, “But the aforementioned weird breadsticks are also bland!” to which I reply, “Yes, but they are DIFFERENTLY bland. As in NOT AS BADLY BLAND.” And others among you may be going, “What even are those bagel chips, huh?” to which I reply, “I don’t really fucking know, because who has spare bagel chips lying around to throw into a party mix? Did they have to make the bagel chips specifically for this party? If so, why? But they don’t taste bland or bad enough to knock them out of second place, and they look like golden gods when placed beside those goddamn commoner creature pretzels!”

And it’s bad enough having them mixed in with other more redeeming items. Can you even imagine if you just opened a bag of OOPS ALL PRETZELS?! Even the mere absurd suggestion of such a fictional product haunts my goddamn dreams

As you can see, this is a subject I take very seriously. Now that I have used the words “commoner creature” (which I have reclaimed after watching a Gallery Girls marathon on Bravo yesterday) to describe an inanimate foodstuff, I have crossed a line into what one might describe as “impassioned” territory. This is partially due to the fact that I am currently on day 46 of my shelter in place experience, but honestly, it has been inside me all along. I needed to speak my truth, and I would like to thank SNL for giving me the shoehorn with which to do it.

In sum, I firmly believe that Chex Mix should delete pretzels. Just delete all of them for good. Only then will we be able to begin healing. 

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