I don’t think anyone is an expert on love. In fact if someone claims to be just that then by all means avoid their advice at all costs. As with all things in life I think it’s safe to say that you can trust the person who is willing to admit they have no idea what they’re doing (at least when it comes to matters of the heart) and they are in fact keeping their head above water as much as the rest of us are. That’s where Lane Moore comes in.
You may know Moore from Tinder Live (if you don’t then you’re a fool) and if you’re not following her on Twitter then why bother being on Twitter? Lane has become a semi-expert on dating. Kind of. She’s an expert on the relatively superficial interactions that come with meeting someone via an app. Lane, like most of us, has grown tired of all that. So she whipped up a Google doc survey that will help her cut through all the bullshit. And she opened up this doc for anyone to use so you too can break out your machete and bust through the perilous jungle that is dating.
Brightest Young Things: So my last two “dating” experiences are as follows:
- A date that turn out to be a not date. He brought a guy friend and was apparently already seeing someone.
- Sleeping with a dude who I later learned was living with someone.
I’m doing great! The first one could have been avoided with this Google doc. The second one is a total lost cause/garbage dump of a human. What prompted you to come up with this survey other than all the usual frustrations with dating (um men are fucking trash though this doc is also for women!)?
Lane Moore: Oh hell yes dude thank YOU I’m so glad to hear that. I haven’t met anyone great in so long and the people I’ve met this year have just been incomprehensibly bad. Bad dates where the person doesn’t treat you well and are just chock full of red flags for you are such an insane waste of time and money.
I know so so many cool women in NYC, and beyond, and I’m baffled and angry that the guys they meet are so awful to them and so I was very much like, “Screw this. I deserve someone wonderful, you all deserve someone wonderful, here’s what I’d ask straight up before I even went on a first date with someone if I could.” Plus, I feel like between Twitter and mutual friends and stuff, there have to be friends of my friends who are truly cool and great, maybe?
BYT: I could not agree more! Especially with The Reckoning happening in 2017, one would think men would be on their best behavior. And by best behavior I don’t mean the idiots who are like, “Um, I can’t even like flirt anymore without being called a rapist????” How have your responses been so far? I’m particularly interested in “Why are you still single?” And “How many pillows do you have?” Though to that I would also add DO YOU HAVE SHEETS ON YOUR BED AND IF NOT WHY THOUGH?
LM: Oh totally, if I hear one more friend with a vagina tell me their partner was like, “Yeah, I don’t like going down on you,” I’m gonna lose my mind. This is some fucking teenage bullshit. Honestly the responses have been really heartening.
One of the reasons I created this was also because I was starting to think good people who wanted love didn’t exist in the world anymore, which I often write a lot about. I keep thinking “Hey, it’s 2017, people are gonna be even more loving and protective and wanting to couple up because life is so hard,” but man I haven’t seen that and it has been super sad to me. A lot of people have been good about being like, “Yeah, honestly I might be a shitty partner,” and while you hate to hear someone think that about themselves…
I was just talking to a friend last night who is dealing with some guy who keeps telling her he’s too fucked up to love her and she’s holding on for dear life and it’s like, ugh, we’ve all been there, but man, if you can’t be good to someone that’s O.K. but, just leave them alone.
The questions I asked are really specific for a reason. I know pretty concretely what I want and need from someone and so asking specific questions that’ll get right to realizing maybe they can’t give that to me and like hey, that’s cool man it doesn’t make you a bad person that you’re not like this, but knowing before we even meet that you’re not lets me save us both time. And hey maybe if you’re not right for me I have a friend who is right for you.
I think so many people of all genders know exactly what they want but you have to spend all this time tip toeing around it looking for clues and I just don’t wanna do that if I can help it.
BYT: I definitely think we have all felt at some point in our lives or maybe at every point in our lives that we are “too fucked up for someone.” I think we have to watch out for the people who don’t think anything is wrong with them. Can you gauge the level of honesty happening with these responses? For example the, “How stable was your childhood?” question? That one really hit me in the ol’ “wasn’t the best but wasn’t the worst!”
LM: Oh god 1,000% I’ve felt that of course! It’s tough to say honestly because who knows? But I’ve heard so many people say that if nothing else the questions asked them to look at themselves in a more honest way than they would normally and they appreciated that, which made me so happy because maybe it’ll help them be able to have some extra dope relationships now that they’ve been able to reflect. I can hope. That question I was so careful to clarify like, “Hey, if your childhood was so fucking bad, you’re still super lovable and great.” I don’t believe that if you had a rough start you can’t be a great partner. I had a really really rough start too, so that question is based on attachment theory really. If you have anxious attachment and you meet someone else with an anxious attachment style, it probably won’t work.
Can you tell I listen very carefully in therapy?
BYT: Oh so that’s what it is. ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT. Can’t wait to name my band/improv troupe/comedy album/epitaph that. Self-reflection is KEY here. I’m also of the mind that when you get to a certain age (my age, 37, which is just this shy of death) there are things you just don’t have the casual time to wait for. And it’s not a biological clock thing but rather a WHY WASTE MY FUCKING TIME thing which this Google doc also satisfies. Although I did notice you opted to skip questions like marriage and children. Any particular reason why?
LM: Haha, I had no idea I skipped those. I guess because at this point the bar seems so low I’m just like “Do you go down on women? Can you be there for me? Do you love your life and yourself and are you really funny and have a cool sense of style?” We’ll see about the rest.
I also made this because I spend so much of my life doing Tinder Live and with Tinder, as much as I love it, even if their profile is great and their photos are great, you get to that date and they’re a total stranger and honestly you could date them for a year and not get to the bottom of things in the way this questionnaire does immediately.
BYT: What is it about this survey that you think will ultimately bring you closer to your goal (love!) that the semi-anonymity of say Tinder cannot?
LM: So many of my friends are marrying people they met on Tinder so I know it’s super possible, but for me I think because I’m constantly on Tinder for Tinder Live I associate it with work. And I like the idea of, “This is my friend and I think you guys would be great together.” This was kind of a way to do that and possibly get some options for my friends who are so so great and deserve someone who isn’t the worst.