Last Wednesday (January 15, 2014) was historic for two reasons: for starters, it was the first time in recent memory that I have walked away from a routine dentist cleaning with zero cavities, and second, Cameron Diaz appeared on Dr. Oz to promote her new health book (The Body Book) AND demonstrate her immense wisdom.
(PS, if you’re wondering why I was watching Dr. Oz, it’s because I was trapped in the teeth cleaning chair at 3pm EST, and my dentist decided that television would be a solid distraction. Slash IT IS A GREAT SHOW.)
The episode involved many revelations, the most important being that water is vital to human survival; most people don’t realize that water is a thing, but Cameron Diaz put a stop to that after announcing that her secret to maintaining a healthy body is drinking the clear beverage (not to be confused with vodka or turpentine, also clear in appearance). “It wakes up my digestive tract,” she said, which then launched into a discussion on bowel movements.
While the poop discussion was obviously important (does your poop look like rocks? #PROBLEM), let’s backtrack to the secrets of water being unlocked on national television. How must Cameron Diaz have stumbled upon this elusive knowledge? The answer is obvious: though merely an actress at face value, she is a natural-born health genius at heart, and we should look to her before doctors, scientists, or even mother nature.
Are you unsure of how to apply Cameron Diaz’s new, ground-breaking discovery to your everyday health regimen, though? It’s a pretty complex concept, but we’re here to help with a quick and easy quiz guide:
1. Are you thirsty? If you said “YES”, proceed to 1a, and if you said “NO”, proceed to 1b.
1a. You should drink water.
1b. You should drink water.
2. Do you enjoy drinking coffee, soda, and/or juice? If you said “YES”, proceed to 2a, and if you said “NO”, proceed to 2b.
2a. You should switch to water.
2b. You may already be drinking water.
3. Can you consume a liter bottle of water in under a minute? If you said “NO”, proceed to 3a, and if you said “YES”, proceed to 3b.
3a. You are not Cameron Diaz.
3b. You might be Cameron Diaz.
In a society as unhealthy as ours, we’re really fortunate to have someone like Cameron Diaz who’s inherently knowledgeable enough to guide us to nutritional wellness. Some might be as bold as to say that those trained in medical school are (and have always been) more equipped to give instruction, but those people are liars, and you should definitely not listen to them; Cameron Diaz is the light.