We originally ran this piece for 2011 Pride. Things have not changed. -ed.
Pride is this weekend. While you may think it is an all-out man-on-man and girl-on-girl fest (it is) it is also the best time of year for straight guys to get laid. No, we’re not talking about a “Come on, dude, just this one time!” experimental phase. We’re talking full-on HETEROSEXUAL filthiness. So, we proudly present our third annual Straight Guy’s Guide for Getting Laid at Gay Pride.
Tip #1: Work your gay friends. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, gay guys make the best wingmen for straight dudes. We’re popular, don’t mind talking with the “other” friend of the girl you’re trying to hit on, and realize that straight women trust whatever we tell them (We’ve gotten Liza to marry at least two of us over the years).
Tip #2: Seek out Straight Girls. Pride weekend is a gift to any straight guy smart enough to use it. If you go to gay pride, you will get laid…with a girl. Gay men are fun, and good looking. Thousands of their straight girlfriends know that and will turn out to fill the parade route and local parties like “Somewhere…”. Any straight girl in a gay bar is secretly hoping to find that one needle-in-a-haystack straight boy who happens to be there as well. If you’re smart enough to show that you are comfortable hanging out with your gay buddies in a gay bar, those are bonus points for you.
Tip #3: Pre-Game with Gay Dudes. Contrary to stereotype, most gay men do not want to hook up with their straight buddies. This is mostly due to the fact that you are wearing pleated pants and those God-awful Teva sandals on your feet (and according to the CDC there is a greater chance in the straight community that straight men listen to the Dave Matthews Band and the Black Eyed Peas). You could be totes cute if you just pre-gamed this weekend with a couple of your gay friends. No, most gay men do not know how to give you a make-over, but chances are we’ll be with a friend who can. Give us 20 minutes and we’ll hook you up with some manly style points that will impress the ladies.
Tip #4: Be Sensitive around Gay People. Showing you’re knowledgeable about gay culture will allow the new gay people in your life to be more trusting of you. Know that gay men drink Diet Coke and never Coke. Note that the Tony’s are this Sunday. DON’T MENTION GAGA! While half of all gay men are over-the-top for Lady Gaga, half seem to loathe her. It’s best just not to walk into that minefield.
Tip #5: Bring a dog (or a kid). Women and gay men love dogs. Bring yours out to the parade route and introduce it to strangers by explaining “Yeah, my dog is gay, but I love him. He’s totally into other dudes, so I wanted to bring him out to the parade.” Women will fall for that shit. Gay men will think you’re so adorable that they’ll want to hook you up with their hot girl friends (When your boy dog is later caught humping a girl dog, simply explain it away by saying “I guess he was just going through a phase!”). Kids are chick-magnets as well, but just don’t tell strangers that you’re two year old niece is gay. One request – leave your dog at home if visiting the Capital Pride Festival on Sunday. Pennsylvania Avenue is just way too hot for the comfort of pets, but we’ll see you and Lassie at the parade.
Tip #6 : Bring vodka. Vodka is the national drink of the gays. According to Catholic tradition, Jesus served vodka at the pre-game before the last supper. Bring it to a party hosted by a gay man and we’ll hook you up with whatever girl you want. Smirnoff pomegranate is totally the flavor of the pride season this year.
Tip #7: Get your ass to the Dock5 on Friday for
BYT & Capital Pride Present: Somewhere… Blast Off! This is THE party to be at! This is a party for gay men, gay women, straight boys and hot straight girls. We want our straight friends to be there.