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Post-holiday season I’ve had a recognizing with my finances and can’t buy anything frivolous, so this list is basically akin to watching very unrealistic porn to me. Let’s get weird then, shall we…

Meghan Markle’s Tiny Green Purse (The Mini-Venice by Demellier London): $395.00

My fascination with future pinch-hitter princess Meghan Markel is well documented in the bowels of BYT. Mostly, I find royal fashion pretty meh. I don’t like hats and that’s where royals really seem to get their quirky jollies off. Mostly it’s a lot of wrap coats and sensible, staid dresses. Leave it to Markle though to make me lust the accessories. This green purse is so cute and so small. What’s she keeping in there? I literally just broke the strap of my Genuine Leather Store bag because I carry too much stuff. I find it necessarily to haul six magazines, a book, a bunch of pens, my wallet, my phone, a charger, a stray diaper for my potty trained three year old, and old flattened Nutri-Grain bar, and several more odds and ends at a time. These things feel very necessary to have on me at all times. How can Markle, future some sort of royal title, will probably get to meet Beyoncé kind of woman limit herself to such a small receptacle for all the stuff you’d need for a trip to a castle? She really stayed on message with this freakin’ adorable, classy leather purse because she was visiting Wales and Demellier London is apparently a Welsh-born designer. Also the purchase of each purse provides vaccinations for kids in need. Almost makes me feel like I could write off that purse purchase as a charitable donation. How very noble of me.

Lupita Nyong’o’s Black Panther Custom-Made Versace Gown: At least $150,000… but truthfully, Priceless.

Speaking of royalty, here’s Nyong’o looking like the queen of her own galaxy at the premiere of Black Panther. The dress code was dress like royalty and my goddess Lupita turned it out in a big way. She always dresses in the best, brightest colors and not only is the dress beautiful and flowy (so she can enjoy an after-party sandwich) but also has jewel encrusted armor. Donatella Versace made this dress for her. If I met Dona, I’d be so tempted to pronounce her name the way Nomi Malone does in Showgirls. Would I have anywhere to wear this dress? Absolutely not. Would I want to stand barefoot in the living room wearing this dress singing “I am Woman Hear Me Roar”? Obviously. Would my sandbag breasts probably flop out repeatedly as I sang? Undeniably. I guess the closest I can get to owning this dress is wearing a purple magician costume cape while watching The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story. So, pretty much exactly the same.

Jeni’s Splendid Ice Cream Sweatshirt by Homage: $60 (SOLD OUT)

Edging into the more relatable, but still unattainable: my deep desire to own this sweatshirt. Homage is a brand out of Columbus, Ohio that makes the coziest sweatshirts. Seriously, their sweatshirts are probably made by the birds that dress Lupita and Meghan every morning. They are pure magic. I have one of their hoodies that I got off ebay because it’s hard to justify spending $60 on a hoodie, even though I wear hoodies probably more than I wear underpants. This is why I missed out on this sweatshirt when it was in stock. For some reason I couldn’t make the leap from indulging in ice cream to also indulging in the impulse purchase of a really cute, but essentially a walking advertisement for ice cream. But I still rep Jeni’s hard, like I was preaching the Jeni’s love before the 14th st. shop, when it was only Columbus-based and the pints were impossible to track down at Whole Foods and cost $14. That being said, I won’t miss out on the next Homage collab with Jeni’s… but if Jeni Britton hears my cry and happens to have an extra one laying around you’d make a gal very happy. And I need something to cover my t-shirt that I just spilled ice cream on.

Kristin Ess Rose Gold Temporary Tint: $12

Speaking of lazy glamour, I really want this rose gold hair dye you put on in the shower and if it looks heinous it washes out after a few showers. It’s part of celeb hairstylist Kristin Ess’ line of hair products for Target. She’s done hair for Lauren Conrad and Lucy Hale, but most importantly she does sexy mom Jenna Dewan’s hair. I don’t find any shame in admitting I love rose gold in many things but I don’t have the patience to bleach my hair professionally and do a legit dye job. That was what my early 20s was for—spending too much money to have my hair not match my eyebrows. I wear my hair in a lazy bun most days anyway so if I look ridiculous I can hide it pretty well. Also if it barely shows up on my dirty blonde locks then $12 isn’t so steep I feel guilty. And if it makes Channing Tatum unable to resist touching my hair, then so be it.