Last night The Rock unveiled his new Under Armour collection. I almost bought $120 trainers. I do not need new workout shoes. I have more than enough shoes. I have running shoes. I have cross training shoes. I have gym shoes. But those new Rock shoes, they might be worth it, right? I’ll look like The Rock if I have shoes he endorses, right?
I know I won’t look like The Rock if I wear shoes he sells. But I might look more like Dwayne Johnson if I eat 5,000 calories and work out 2 hours a day. I would happily eat 2.3 pounds of cod a day and spend an hour at Sweat and another hour on weights and cycling. But before I work out, I should hit The Municipal Fish Market.
Now that I’m reeking like fish and sweating out all the multiple pounds of fish I’m eating on a daily basis, it’s time to dress like The Rock. I could buy some more Under Armour gear with inspirational saying, but I prefer late 90s, early 00s Rock style. I miss when he was just the mean, Brahma Bull that wore horribly tacky silk shirts. I bet I could buy multiple horribly tacky silk shirts for the cost of one pair of Project Rock 1s.
I don’t really want to dress like The Rock. It’s important to develop your own style. But what about living through them in video game form? That’s socially acceptable, right? Yeah, I’ll just live my life as The Rock in Nintendo 64 form.
What am I talking about? I don’t even own a Nintendo 64.
But I do own feet. I’m probably going to buckle and buy those stupid shoes. It’s what The Rock would do. I’ll eat more fish too.
