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It’s officially wedding season! I never want to get married. However if I did get married it would be a very goth wedding.

(Also want to give a nod to our managing editor, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Double nods to our Vice-President of Editorial whose birthday is next weekend and whose summer aesthetic is Goth Jimmy Buffet who I will probably marry)

I’m Dying Up Here

Black Wedding Dress – $$$$$$$$

It’s alllll about the dress and this dress has to be black because obviously and also lol I could not be any less of a virgin. I Am Sparta. Plus black is slimming (sure) and if I’m honest with myself I’ll spill something multiple times throughout the night (hell yeah I’m getting married at night) so why not get a dress that will hide it?

Glenborrodale Castle, Scotland £3,750,000

Where am I getting married? At a spooky castle in the Scottish Highlands of course. There can be only FUN! And why not buy the damn thing so I can live out my days like Outlander or Crispin Glover. Get ready for my incredibly weird Instagram account and my library filled with First Edition books.

1959 Cadillac Hearse – $52,500

Just because I’m getting married in the dead of night doesn’t mean I’m above cheesy wedding traditions. I need a proper car to whisk me away to my new life (death). I just have one special request. Please refrain from writing JUST MARRIED on the back. I will, however, accept JUST DIED. Or His and Hearse.

Capuchin Monastery Catacombs: Palaermo, Italy  – $$$$$

Move over Paris, these are Europe’s hottest new (very very old) catacombs! And they are the perfect place to spend one’s honeymoon. Emphasis on moon. With nearly 8,000 SNAZZILY-DRESSED corpses to see it’s the perfect place to unwrap the romance.

7 Piece Skull Tea Set – $145.00

If I can’t sip tea out of an actual human skull (I can’t?) then this is the next best thing. This tea set makes for an EXCELLENT wedding gift.

That’s all folks!