National Hug Day 2015: Dream Hug Dates

Today is National Hug Day, which we know to be true because we totally Googled it. You may be saying, “Pffffft. What kind of holiday is National Hug Day, anyway?!” to which we reply “SHUT UP, HUGS ARE THE BEST.” Hugs are so great, in fact, that we (Brandon Wetherbee, Megan Burns, Svetlana Legetic, Jenn Tisdale and Brandon Weight) have decided to share our ultimate dream hug scenarios (family and friends not pictured, clearly) RIGHT HERE:

Much like everyone knows, I am big on hugs. In fact, if you give good hugs chances are exponentially higher that I WILL like you more than those less hug gifted. Below, my dream squeezes:

Terry Crews: Ok, first things first: there cannot be any conversation of hugging that does not involve Terry Crews, the biggest, scariest, funniest, sweetest, most everything man working in the world right now (subjective, but correct, opinion). His role as Sergeant Terry Jeffords (aka Tiny Terry to his Brother-in-Law), husband of Sharon, father to babygirls Cagney and Lacey (God, I also want to hug the writers of this show) and protector of everyone in the precinct only seals the FOREVER HUGGABLE DEAL in my heart of hearts.

Craig Robinson – While I understand this is heading in the direction in which I apparently only seem to be into hugging large men of African American descent (hey, the hugging heart wants what the hugging heart wants) but I am such a Craig Robinson fan that I actually host a Craig Robinson film festival at my house every year and it is, without fail, one of my favorite times of the year mainly because I get to freely spend 8 or so hours in a single day openly daydreaming of a situation in which Craig Robinson plays the piano for me (maybe a cover of “Do Ecstasy With Me”?), and then we spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch, laughing, and every time I laugh too much (Which is probably often) he hugs me. This seems like a healthy, realistic daydream to me, right? RIGHT?

Cast of Parks & Rec (group hug edition): Fine I have a thing for sitcoms. With the show ending (sad? but happy to celebrate it? you can do that with us) it is time to reflect on how good of a hug these people would give. Having been lucky enough to host (and namedrop) several Parks & Rec stars (and guest stars) at Bentzen Ball I can personally vouch for the in-person hi5/huggability factor of Nick Offerman, Megan Mullally, Retta, Patton Oswaltt and Nick Kroll (God, I also want to hug Tig right now for helping bring these people to us every year). But mainly, this is about imagining just what magic factor each of these people would bring to the hugging table: The relentless/possibly-too-long-of-a-hug of Leslie Knope, the everything-is-going-to-be-ok Ann Perkins Factor, the bear hug of Andy Dwyer, the no-touching hug by April, the shoulder-pat hug by Ron, the all-enveloping-bosom hug of Donna, the over-scented hug by Tom, the wildly enthusiastic Chris hug, the awkward-but-so-true hug by Ben and of course, the very sweaty-palmed hug by Jerry/Gary/Larry etc. Bring it in you guys.

The most important leader of all time, the most important children’s television show host of all time and a nanny that happens to be super. I have modest hugging goals.

Abraham Lincoln: The greatest United States of America (ALL OF THE STATES (all caps because the day after the State of the Union that seems relevant)) President of all time happened to be the saddest. Probably because of all the murder and death and hopelessness around him, which is fair. As a relatively tall man 6’1″, 6′ 2″ in boots, a hug from a man only two inches taller than me isn’t very weird. It’s a recognition of mutual affection and gratitude. Also, after the hug I could be jovial and talk about how he should eat and then we’d laugh and he’d feel self-conscious about his weight and it would be a net loss but whatever. Get some meat on those bones, Abe!

Fred Rogers: The shining example on how to live a life. No scandals, all goodness. If any of his positivity could get transmitted to me, I’d be a better man. Since he’s no longer with us, this will have to be done in my mind. Unlike Lincoln, because I’m just delusional about politicians?

Jo Frost: The Supernanny! She taught the UK and some of the US some reasonable lessons about childcare that would should have already known! I think about this woman’s well-being far too often and am worried about her. I hope she’s doing OK. This would be a, “I hope you’re doing OK, you can crash on my couch as long as you need to,” hug.

I would hug a lot of people (and animals and inanimate objects) today if it were 1. possible and 2. there were no repercussions, but I have narrowed down my dream hug scenarios to the following FIVE:

Grace Coddington: one time (two years ago) I was walking around Nolita by myself on a cloudy Saturday afternoon when ALL OF A SUDDEN I realized that Grace Coddington was walking in front of me in a pair of white sneakers and khaki trench and (hello) her magnificent red hair. Upon this realization I felt like I might pass out or barf or maybe do both at the same time, but instead I started to speed walk past her and (looking straight ahead and never right at her) said, “Hi sorry to bother you but I love your work okay enjoy your weekend byeeeeeeeee,” until she was already thirty paces behind me. (I heard a faint and confused, “Thanks?”) Anyway, the moral of the story is this: if I could hug Grace Coddington today and look really cool for it instead of like a total freak, then I would.

A cumulus cloud: I get that clouds are just air, but if I could hug a giant cumulus cloud and have it feel like it looks (aka a giant pile of cotton balls and bunny tails) then you better believe that I would.

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, simultaneously: I don’t know if this technically counts for two hugs, but I am going to say that it doesn’t, because it would be either 1. Fred and Carrie were hugging and I just so happened to materialize in between them in a non-creepy way, or 2. I would one-arm hug both of them at the same time with Fred on the left and Carrie on the right and it would be like they were cool conjoined twins // hug enthusiasts. (And I don’t think I need to explain my logic for why I have chosen Fred and Carrie in the first place, do I? I mean, they are kind of the best humans on the planet…)

Jeffrey Tambor as Maura on Transparent: okay, not that I don’t love regular Jeffrey Tambor, too, but I just feel like more people need to hug Moppa, y’know what I mean? (Moppa for president.)

ET the Extra Terrestrial: everyone needs to calm down and stop being scared of ET. He is totally friendly, he has magical space powers, his heart glows, and also he drank beer that one time when Elliott set all the frogs free in science class. I get nervous he’s going to die for real every time I watch the movie, and every time I am pleasantly surprised when he does not. It does not, however, make me any less bummed that he has to go back to intergalactic times at the end of the film, and so I would like to hug him to make him stay on Earth // it is 2015 and people are way more accepting of stuff, even weird-looking aliens.

Meryl Streep: You know what they say, if the Streep fits you hug the hell out of her. This little Streepcar named Desire is the perfect surrogate mother when you need someone to breeze into the room, do a drive-by embrace then float away leaving a trail of Chanel No. 5 in her wake. She’s classy and sophisticated but she’s not above giving you the gentlest of hugs until you have to literally choke back tears…careful…you’ll catch Streep Throat.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: You want to be stuck between The Rock and a Hug Place. This big ol’ Papa Bear will greet you in the best of Creed fashions…with arms WIDE open, then will tuck you into the crook of his arms as if you are a wee babe. Feel free to emotionally slide back into those yesteryears as The Rock cradles you, making you feel like the smallest of pebbles.