Love Satire? Feeling kind of iffy on the Patriarchy? Well then, Reductress is the website for you. I know what you’re thinking, ugh women…right? I know. We’re not funny. We bleed for seven days and don’t die SO YOU CAN’T TRUST US. We give birth and sometimes we choose not to give birth which is even more frustrating. Somehow Reductress has been able to conquer all these obstacles to become one of the best satirical sites on the Webz today. Thankfully they got out of the Internet and into our ears with Mouth Time, their very own podcast. You have to get it to get it but when you do, dear God is it hilarious.
Mouth Time will be in the Bentzen Ball Podcast Studio this Friday as part of the Kennedy Center’s District of Comedy Festival so we tracked down one half of the duo to get more bang out of D.C.
Brightest Young Things: I’m so happy you guys are coming. Is this the first time you’ve performed at The Kennedy Center?
Dikoda: Not to brag but this is going to be my second Kennedy Center performance.
BYT: Oh my God, shoot me in the back of the head I’m so embarrassed I didn’t know that.
Dikoda: I was there previously for a storytellers show and we were part of that program that’s in the lobby?
BYT: It’s the nicest lobby anyone has ever been in, not like The Shining or something.
Dikoda: It’s so nice and so big. It was simultaneously the only time I’ve performed in a lobby and the largest space I’ve ever performed in. It’s cavernous.
BYT: That’s the best way to describe both the Kennedys as a family and the Kennedy as a center. You’re coming to the city where sex interns were invented. They were made popular here and encouraged. Is this a sort of pilgrimage for you guys? Will the sex interns be with you? I don’t even know if they’re allowed to leave the building.
Dikoda: They are allowed to leave the building when we give them permission. They don’t have keys so they can leave but they can’t get back in. Our sex interns love us and they are working an unpaid internship but it is an internship and they are getting college credit. They are really blessed and are really excited to go to Washington, D.C. None of them have been there before except when their eggs were hatched because as you mentioned it is the city were sex interns come from.
BYT: It’s almost like a birthright trip.
Dikoda: It’s very similar to birthright. You can only go between the ages of 23 and 26 because that’s the ages sex interns have an obligation, if they still live in D.C., to serve in the Sex Intern Military.
BYT: I think the Kennedy Center is the best place to bring any sex interns. You’ve been here before and I thought we could rate…D.C. is not a sexy place. Present company excluded. That doesn’t apply to me personally. I look around. I have eyes. I see. What we lack in sexiness we make up for in monuments and memorials.
Dikoda: And monuments are very sexy.
BYT: I think we should rate a couple of them or discuss the level of sexiness of some of D.C.’s more familiar monuments.
Dikoda: I love to rank things. What’s the scale we’re ranking them on.
BYT: Let’s say would fuck or would not fuck and rate them 1 to 5. The Lincoln Memorial.
Dikoda: The Lincoln Memorial is a really interesting one because, like, Lincoln himself I don’t think I would want to fuck because he was always wearing that dumb hat. To me I just don’t really want to fuck a guy who is wearing a dumb hat. If your personality is that you wear a hat I’m like hmmmm… next. That’s what I would say if I was on the show Next and Abraham Lincoln walked out. But the memorial he’s encased in is gorgeous. I love all the stuff. I love the columns. Columns are extremely fuckable. On a scale of 1 to 5 how much would I want to fuck the Lincoln Memorial I’m gonna have to go with a 4.
BYT: He’s a big man both in life and in stone.
Dikoda: I didn’t realize before I went that the statue is life-sized. It’s to scale.
BYT: How about the Eisenhower Memorial, which hasn’t been built but I can describe the plans. I can’t describe his presidency however. Apparently it’s going to be a grove of oak trees, limestone columns and a semi-circular space made with monolithic stone blocks, carvings and inscriptions that depict the images of his life. This sounds a little bit like the Illuminati.
Dikoda: I’m a big fan of the Illuminati. This is a tough one because I’ve never heard of Eisenhower. I don’t know who he is. It literally doesn’t ring a bell. Oak trees are extremely fuckable like I love trees. New York City is famous for its trees. It’s kind of what we’re known for. Like where I live in mid-town Manhattan and Times Square it’s like all trees. I’ll tell you what really makes me want to fuck the Eisenhower Memorial. You said monolithic stone tablets and I have to say I immediately came.
BYT: I think when people go there that’s one of the offerings. That makes complete sense.
Dikoda: Yeah I can’t wait to learn about this Eisenhower guy and when I get there I’m definitely gonna get into a Lyft and say “Take me to those monoliths baby.” I guess I’d give this a 5. Is that crazy?
BYT: It’s not crazy because it’s very mysterious because no one knows who he is and mystery is very sexy. Okay, how about the Franklin Delano Roosevelt (too many names) Memorial? This one is of course handicap accessible. They make a point of mentioning that. It’s along the Tidal Basin. I think the two key points that this description wants us to be aware of are there is a bookstore and a public restroom on site. That’s what you get with this memorial… you’re handicapped, you get to read a book and you get to go to the bathroom.
Dikoda: Wow, those are some really top notch offerings. You know, what do I think about FDR. I think it’s great that he got to sit in a chair all day and I think it’s pretty cool that he’s a New Yorker. I went to his house once and it was really nice so he had a lot of money which made him very fuckable. I have to tell you though that whole book thing really threw me off because I just don’t like books. I don’t like to read and I don’t read and I’ve never read a book. And boys who are interested in books, it’s like okay but have you heard of TV? Unfortunately I’m going to have to give this a 2. The books just really disgust me. The only reason it’s not a 1 is because of the public bathrooms. Every monument should have a public bathroom. How many times have you been at, like, a monument and you wished there was a public bathroom there so you could rest for an hour or two.
BYT: All I do is go to the bathroom. That should actually just be a monument. I guess not yet, someday.
Dikoda: We will get a monument that is just a bathroom.
BYT: Someone should run for president with that as their platform. They’ve got my vote! We’ve got two more. The Jefferson Memorial is described as a dome-shaped rotunda with a 19 foot bronze, can’t even get gold or silver, statue of Jefferson surrounded by passages of the Declaration of Independence.
Dikoda: You know I love a dome. Domes are the sexiest shape. I hope that someday I can get married to the love of my life under a dome. I feel a lot of ways about Thomas Jefferson and I think unfortunately I don’t want to fuck him or his monument. Isn’t his monument surrounded by cherry trees. I’d like to say 5 out of 5 would fuck those cherry trees but only when they’re blooming!
BYT: The last one and perhaps the most obvious one is the Washington Monument which is really the most Illuminati of them all. It’s a very aggressive pencil.
Dikoda: I love that big dick and I am a huge fan. In New York we have this famous Fearless Girl statue. She’s facing down a bull on Wall Street. I like to refer to the Washington Monument as the Fearless Boy Statue. Because it’s so proud to be there and confidence is sexy. There is nothing more confident than a monument that is a big white phallic symbol. So yeah, 6 out of 5 would fuck the Washington Monument.
BYT: I’ve got one more D.C.-related question. It’s a good old-fashioned classic game of Fuck, Marry Kill….The Legislative, Judicial and Executive Branches of the United States Government. And you don’t have to think of the Executive Branch as the current administration, if that sways your decision at all.
Dikoda: That’s interesting because seven months ago you know I’d be fucking the Executive Branch. I think I would want to fuck the Judicial Branch, especially Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I would want to marry the Legislative Branch and I would kill the Executive Branch. I would kill it forever. We won’t be led by a President anymore. We’ll be led by a panel of women directors in the style of a Comic Con panel and that’s who’s going to lead our country.