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As with all great plans that have been laid (is this that saying?) this plan didn’t exactly get boned out (not sure I’m phrasing this correctly). I promised myself I’d really try to chat with Henry about this Sunday’s season premiere of Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell on Adult Swim and NOTHING ELSE. Instead we veered off into topics that some folks would consider hellish in nature. We technically stuck with the theme.

Brightest Young Things: Your outgoing message on your voicemail is so fast. Do you remember what you said and how you said it?

Henry Zebrowski: No, I don’t!

BYT: It’s just HEYYOU’VEREACHEDHENRYLEAVEAMESSAGE. I was like “I can’t leave a message because I’m having an anxiety attack right now.” It felt like that scene in Total Recall when Arnold Schwarzenegger is disguised as that robot woman and she breaks and won’t stop saying TWO WEEKS repeatedly until her head explodes.

HZ: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this to you. I didn’t mean to start your day like this.

BYT: Well, my day doesn’t start at 3:30 p.m.

HZ: That’s when my day starts.

BYT: I just woke up. I’m making this call from a phone booth where I saw a giant bug yesterday and it’s literally all I can think about. I can’t stop looking at the floor.

HZ: Wait, you’re at a phone booth?

BYT: My office building has these private booths you can sit in when you need to make a call and that is where the incident occurred. I didn’t handle it well.

HZ: You gotta understand, they’re the ones that are gonna replace us. They’re genetically superior. You’re looking at a creature that can’t wait until we’re bones.

BYT: It’s really just biding its time, checking a really tiny watch constantly.

HZ: It’s thinking “I hear they have holes you can live in.”

BYT: I do have holes they can live in. So, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell returns THIS Sunday, which I didn’t know is a Stooges song and I now know.

HZ: You didn’t know?

BYT: I thought it was just a bunch of words thrown together to make something I enjoy.

HZ: Ha ha ha, that’s the thing about it honestly…I was such a huge Stooges fan that I thought everyone would know it and I bring it up all the time and people are like “What?” I don’t even think it’s an obscure song.

BYT: I’m not a huge Stooges fan but our managing editor is… So much so that he started a campaign to try to get Iggy Pop to perform at his wedding.

HZ: That’s so cool. Well I know he likes cash because that was the thing, that’s how we got him to give us the song. Originally the show’s name was going to be changed to something else. He didn’t want us to use it but we had to agree to put him on an episode and we were like “Yes, come do an episode,” but he never did.

BYT: You wouldn’t even have to put any makeup on him. So…here’s my first question, why aren’t there any women in Hell? I have my theories but where are they?

HZ: I don’t know why…

BYT: And this is not me claiming this is a feminist issue. I think it’s funny, why would we go to Hell. It seems like Earth is our Hell.

HZ: Women belong there too. I know that. I know they belong there. I’ve met them. I’ve seen them. I’ve read about them. I’m probably related to like 3 or 4 of them. I honestly think the reason why they originally weren’t in Hell is because the writers just imagined a bunch of dudes being as far away from women as humanly possible because it’s a more miserable existence for them. The writers would rather comedically, in their minds, look at a bunch of weird old men and fat dudes because they like to see us being tortured. They think that old greasy-looking men are more funny to look at and torture. I think all of humankind is a little more attuned to women screaming in pain more than men screaming in pain.

BYT: And that is the saddest of sentences.

HZ: Is that sad? That’s like saying “Hey women can writhe. Women can writhe and be tortured just as good as a man can.”

BYT: Ha ha ha ha, we give birth. If anyone around here is gonna get tortured and survive, it’s gonna be us.

HZ: Yeah, all split open with a bunch of stuff coming out.

BYT: Oh I think they upgraded “bunch of stuff coming out,” to “baby.”

HZ: A child, yes…I’ve heard of a child. They live in your guts then they come out and become either a President or a rapist.

BYT: I’m having some trouble following this discussion. It’s almost too technical, too medical.

HZ: I’m sorry.

BYT: I can’t keep up with all this jargon like “a bunch of stuff.”

HZ: I’m still waking up. I already had to do Last Podcast

BYT: You wanna tell me what it’s about? By today everyone will already know.

HZ: I think we’re one behind. We’re doing Listenerpasta right now where people write in stories.

BYT: Were they good? I can’t let us talk about Last Podcast because I really think this should be about Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell but also I can’t help but talk about Last Podcast so oops…

HZ: They work together. That’s how my life is going.

BYT: You keep finding ways to get yourself back to Atlanta. (where Adult Swim is)

HZ: I love it. I’m going back this weekend. I don’t know what it is but we’ve talked about this, you’re a person with a lot of anxiety and I’m a person with a lot of anxiety. I’m just so sick of being surrounded by…

BYT: Buildings?

HZ: I want to buy a house real bad.

BYT: I think when you suffer from anxiety New York is NOT the place to be. I know you’re from New York so it’s probably a little different for you. I can’t go to New York City because the buildings are too overwhelming for me. I feel like a wimp for saying that because people always seem to have that moment where they step off the bus and the twirl around and it’s all very Mary Tyler Moore. I’ve never loved New York and I feel awful for not loving it.

HZ: I have a constant vision of walking through the city and looking up and seeing a SCUD missile just hitting one of the buildings. I see that in my mind all the time. I’m waiting for it. The worst part of LA is you cannot trust the ground.

BYT: And they have a fucking subway system there.

HZ: I’ll NEVER go on their subway.

BYT: I work around the corner from the White House so I’m going to be dead no matter what because apparently terrorists have no sense of history.

HZ: No sense of history…we have been around for over 200 years. We are ancient. I don’t care what anybody says….that was the first thing that blew my mind when I got back from the UK (with Last Podcast on the Left). Our buildings aren’t old.

BYT: Don’t you just feel like a real goddamn idiot when you’re looking at a 500 year-old building.

HZ: The shitty warehouse we were in in Manchester was 300 years old.

BYT: You guys went to Scotland with Last Podcast. Did you know their national animal is the Unicorn?

HZ: They’ll do anything for attention. That’s what it comes down to, they’ll do anything to draw attention to themselves.

BYT: They pride themselves on being these robust, angry brawling men and I just want to remind them they all rode here on a Unicorn.

HZ: It’s technically masculine but also very feminine. We showed up and I was expecting to get the shit beat out of me but everyone was so nice.

BYT: Honestly I could talk about the UK forever. I just want to live and die in Edinburgh.

HZ: That’s what everyone said, Glasgow was talking shit about Edinburgh saying everybody likes it there and no one likes it here.

BYT: We really gotta talk about Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell.

HZ: Alright…I like talking to you on the phone.

BYT: I like talking to you. It’s easy, just two anxious people proving two negatives can make a positive. I just started my period today so I’m having A DAY.

HZ: Get it out of you. You don’t need any kids. Don’t have any kids. If you ever do that thing where you decide to have a kid and become one of those Mommy bloggers I’m gonna call you out on that.

BYT: On the record I will say I’ve had more than one abortion. Do you think that makes me a monster? Sometimes I think that.

HZ: I think that’s better than you being a fucking mom and just boozing around it then sending it off to boarding school. I think this is better. I don’t think it’s ever a mistake.

BYT: My mom once said “Jennifer you cannot use abortions as birth control,” and I said “Mother that is literally what they are.” Technically that’s what they are.

HZ: As long as it doesn’t have a negative impact on you.

BYT: I’m actually a little embarrassed about sharing that with you. Some people aren’t as cavalier as I am and maybe you’re just rolling with it after years of improv training.

HZ: I just don’t give a shit. I used to…the really cool thing about the Last Podcast audience and my life in general and the things I’ve gone through and people I’ve met and shit like that is, there are very few things that are actually strikingly unusual about people. A lot of the times you realize the things that are supposed to make people strange are actually, in the end, incredibly normal if they feel normal about it. If you feel haunted about it, that’s a different story. Like if we were having a conversation and I said something like “Oh man I had a terrible audition yesterday. It was a real abortion.”

BYT: Ha ha ha ha ha…it was a real abortion. What if I asked what happened and you proceeded to describe an actual abortion so I said “Oh, it was a REAL abortion.”

[At this point Henry and I got into some REAL SHIT and I struggled with including it all but ultimately decided I was too tired to transcribe all the emotions, lovely as they were]

BYT: Boy this interview is everywhere. I’d love to just release this and show everyone how deep and beautiful we got then cap it off by saying WATCH YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING TO HELL.

HZ: Watch Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell. You have to. It is very difficult. It’s one of those shows…our management likes it but everyone hates it because it’s at Adult Swim and there’s not a lot of money. Sometimes I think if I could figure out another career I probably would but I don’t really have any other skills.

BYT: But that’s good because if you have something to fall back on then you won’t work at what you’re doing. Do you want to write or do you have to perform.

HZ: Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell is the kind of show everybody wants to be involved with in show business. It’s free and the set is a blast and we can do improv and really express ourselves and do ridiculous shit and do all the fun acting shit like be in full makeup and do all the stuff I dreamed about as a kid. It’s that perfect job but all of this work and energy goes into a tiny little show. Now we’re in the middle of actually living our dream and it’s so hard because we want people to actually watch it. I also understand it’s…as much as I think “Everyone will find this funny,” but it’s like Last Podcast. I never really understood we were fringe. I always thought we were down the middle or for everybody and people were like “Oh no, you’re highly offensive.”

BYT: I disagree, but I have a high capacity for these things.

HZ: Yes, I feel like most people have a high capacity as long as it’s funny. Comedy is subjective so certain things are not gonna work for certain people. It’s very interesting. I think PC culture exists for a reason and I think it’s great. I’m glad that people can’t just throw peanuts at fat people in a line anymore. It’s nice but I think that the other side is people that make it their job and feel like they need to police everyone.

BYT: You’re right, there are overly sensitive people. Because I’ve done comedy and I spend time with comedy and DARK THINGS I don’t think I know what’s really bad anymore. I don’t know what’s not okay.

HZ: Yeah, I just don’t know half the time. That’s the autistic part of me saying “Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell is for everybody! This is a great show for kids to watch!” Everyone’s like “No, it’s really fucked up.”

BYT: There is really no point in shielding anybody from anything.

HZ: My niece has an iPad and will type in the word “horse” and “horse fuckers” will automatically come up.

[The next 10 minutes were an extremely revealing chat on the ideas of sex and control and impotence and Donald Trump and even some delightful Brony theories.]

HZ: Desperately, Jenn….I am truly just trying to make people laugh. I don’t care about anything. I don’t have an agenda. I think that’s part of it. All I wanted to be was on Saturday Night Live.

BYT: Ya know, the way that Last Podcast is going and Last Stream on the Left is coming back to Adult Swim…you’re doing it. It’s absolutely happening.

[Look this interview was 54 minutes long and it’s glorious. Sadly I can’t include everything. We shifted seamlessly into the idea of relationships and finding the right person and just letting that person into your heart and into your actual living space. We should be therapists. Watch Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell.]

BYT: When I think about spending a lot of time with one person I panic. What if that person didn’t let me burn though all ten seasons of Beverly Hills 90210 in January?

HZ: You have to find somebody who would do that with you.

BYT: Okay, I’ll date a teenage girl.

HZ: Just adopt a little girl.

BYT: You know what? They have to love you and that is my MO. Honestly, I think we’ve talked about this before, that is why I identify so much with Jeffrey Dahmer. I know it’s predictable in the pantheon of serial killers to choose him but he is my favorite. I wouldn’t cut someone’s head open to try to turn them into a weird living zombie so they’d stay with me forever but I understand the desire.

HZ: I get it. You see where the first thought of that comes from.

BYT: I completely see how not understanding why people keep leaving you could lead you to that place IF you were in the mental state to do that. God, this is so sad.

HZ: They also don’t have to deal with the inconveniences of the other person.

BYT: Yes! Yes. We should spend a few more minutes on Your Pretty Face, or any minutes!

HZ: I get fucked a lot this season. I am a victim. The second season was a lot of me getting covered in substances. This is a season of a lot of sex getting done to me. I’m wearing a lot of ludicrous costumes. I’m pregnant. I have huge balls. We have Dustin Diamond on the show.

BYT: Is he playing himself or is it like a twist, Screech is going to Hell.

HZ: Dustin plays himself and was very effusively nice. He’s a very good dude.

BYT: Can you give me a drinking game to play while watching Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell. We of course don’t want anyone to die.

HZ: Every time Gary is forced to inappropriately kiss someone take a drink. Every time Gary screams in embarrassment take a drink. Any time a gigantic snake crawls up my asshole… do something nice for yourself.