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David Cross, the world’s most beloved “never nude”, who has made you laugh in everything from Mr. Show to Year One, is coming to DC this Wednesday at Warner Theatre.
We were trying pretty hard to get Tig to get him to stay for a couple extra days for our Bentzen Ball (4 days of comedy you guys, starting this Thursday), but I guess he’s tired, overtravelled and has not seen his girlfriend in a while, so he’s going back home after his show and that is that.
So, we decided to settle for second best, since we love him too much to hold that against him and have Tig interview him for us (as she kindly often does-ed.).
This is what went down:

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Tig: hey David.
David:
listen, i have to say upfront that even though we’re both friends with each other, i don’t want this discussion to go into that territory. it needs to remain…we need to really understand what the boundaries are. professional and journalistic.

Tig: yeah, and i actually only have two minutes, so i can keep it totally professional for 120 seconds.
David:
um…i don’t understand. why? whats more important?

Tig:i have other people i want to interview.
David:
we’re not friends anymore.

Tig:i don’t know how close we were before, David.
David:
well, when you’re someones goddaughter, that would make you somewhat close. yes?

Tig:who’s goddaughter?
David:
you’re my goddaughter.

Tig:oh, my god. this is so exciting.
David:
yep, it became official last Thursday.

Tig:I’m excited.
David:
yeah, i mean, you get presents now.

Tig: oh, good.
David:
yes, I’m very wealthy, so this should turn out really good for you.

Tig:my first question for you David Cross, is do you think I’m funny?
David:
i think you can be. yeah. you know, if you put your mind to it. and keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars, yeah.

Tig:now, here’s my second question…you’re from Atlanta. so is Nancy grace. do you know where i can score some nude photos of her?
David:
um, if you go to nancygraceisanudebitch.com, i think they have, i mean, there’s a fee, you know, but, its pretty nominal, but then you can download stuff and movies and pictures.

Tig:do you like Nancy Grace?
David:
no, i do not.

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Tig: yeah, if there’s a man involved in anything, they’re guilty, right?
David:
i really don’t pay too much attention to her or her ilk. the kind of shrill screechy interrupting type of person on a pseudo news channel show. i never watch any of those people. i watch enough to know well, this is just going to infuriate me. I’m not entertained. and i also don’t care about sensationalistic things that have no baring on anything in my life or world. i don’t care about “little Kayley”-whatever her face is. and i don’t care about the Duggars or… i just don’t care. and nor will i ever.

Tig:David Cross does not care about little Kayley.
David
:i don’t.

Tig:OK, here’s my next question that is next in line. what’s your last thought before bed each night? do you have one?
David:
yeah, its i hope this curtain rod breaks under the weight of me in my belt in case anything goes wrong.

Tig: that’s your thought every night?
David
:do you understand what I’m trying to say? i was trying to articulate an auto erotica asphyxia joke.

Tig:(laughs) oh. got it. do you have anything interesting on your bedside table? what do you think about and what do before bed each night? when you take your glasses off and you pat your little beard. then what happens?
David:
you know, there’s a bit of a ritual that i go through. glasses off is the last thing pretty much. i pray to Allah on one side of the bed. and then i i pray to Robbie Shankar on the other side of the bed. and then i turn out the lights, and then 30 seconds later i turn them on and make sure nothing happened in those 30 seconds. I’ll eat a plate of friend chicken, then I’ll run around in circles for about 5 minutes to try to take off the chicken i just ate. hop in the shower. make an egg. not a hard boiled egg, I’ll make a fried egg and then throw it out the window at somebody. then i try to learn one new word. I’ll get the dictionary and I’ll try to memorize one word that i didn’t know before and one page of the money section of USA Today and then put a quarter in my ass and then go to sleep.

Tig:then take your glasses off, then go to sleep?
David:
yes. that’s right. i forgot about that. sorry.

Tig:are you a collector? do collect anything?
David
:I’m a lazy unorganized baseball card collector. i have a lot of baseball cards from over the years but not really grouped well together. or, i should say not divided by brand and year and player and all that stuff. so, i have big boxes of baseball cards.

Tig:so , is that your favorite sport? that’s what you watch?
David:
when I’m not watching Nancy Grace, I’m watching the baseball game.

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Tig: what bugs you about yourself, David Cross?
David:
I’m an underachiever. i could be doing so much more. everything i believe and know in my heart and in my brain would lend its self to i should be a vegetarian but I’m not. i think its the most selfish thing i do. but there’s no way I’m giving up BBQ or steaks or hamburgers. i just love them too much. but i know i should be a vegetarian.

Tig:for environmental reasons?
David:
yeah, not so much about myself, but for…yeah, just to be a better person. even though i know all that stuff, i still choose to eat meat.

Tig: I’m completely, exactly the same.
David:
I just know it every day how much better a place the world would be if we were mostly vegetarian.

Tig:do you have a favorite heckle so far?
David:
i guess, i was in the south of England and it went really bad really quickly and there was a guy who was just yelling shit out. he was really drunk and he’s like “flahblahblaflahflah!” and then i said something to the effect of, “dude, i can’t hear you, you’re just screaming, you’re incoherent, you’re drunk, and all i hear is ,”blahblahblah!” and then the crowd was quiet. and then in that space, he quickly, but slowly and articulately,and very over-enunciated said, “fuck! off!” and then i was like, “oh, that i heard.” it made me laugh. oh, i guess i was asking for it.

Tig:what drives you insane if its not in your green room before a show, other than me?
David:
(laughs) i guess a copy of caddy shack 2 on blue ray DVD. to be in every back stage i have. and its not out on blue ray, so I’m always pissed off.

Tig: is there anything you hate about being a comedian?
David:
no, not really. i don’t think there’s anything i hate about it. no, not really. i don’t think there’s anything i hate about it. i mean, present company exempted, sometimes doing the press, is a tiresome thing to do. especially because you’re doing so many in a day and its all the same questions and that part i don’t care for. its just all you’re doing is talking about yourself and saying the same things over and over again. outside of that i enjoy performing, i enjoy the moments leading up to it the moments afterwards, you know, i like it.

Tig: yeah, we’re pretty lucky. was there a milestone when your career took a better turn or a worse turn?
David:
yeah, i went to the “just for laughs” festival in Montreal in ’94. and pretty much did the set i had been doing for a while, you know, or didn’t really change it up or anything and it was the same basic kind of set i had been doing in Boston, and started doing in LA when i first moved there,and then i did it at this “danger zone” or some stupid fucking show or “best of the rest” or one of those things. and for whatever reason, just everything clicked that night and it was just crazy good. and it was pretty much same stuff i did on my first special on comedy central or HBO and it just got a lot of notice and a lot of buzz and this big manager, Letterman’s manager was quoted in the paper saying, “you gotta watch out for this kid, David cross he’s gonna be huge” or one of those type of things and that was a big deal. the next day all of a sudden people at different networks and companies were saying, “hey man, I’d like to meet with you in LA” so, that was a big change. a big shift. i mean, it was a good set and i remember some of the stuff i did, and it was funny, good stuff, but really nothing out of what i had been doing for a while. and just all of a sudden one night everybody went, “oh, OK, yeah!” and it kind of happened at the right time for sure.

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Tig: the arrested development movie is in the works, right?
David:
i think the script is. that’s all i got for you so far.

Tig:does that excite you?
David:
sure, yeah, I’d love to do that.

Tig: do you have a favorite project of yours that you’ve worked on? Arrested Development was my favorite project of yours.
David:
the thing i miss most about arrested development like, wondering where it would go and what the stories would be, because it really did evolve. and it wasn’t just like a sitcom where no situation is any different. i miss the travel of the story and what would become of these folks.

Tig: that’s how i felt. i mean, i loved Mr. show… do you ever get tired of talking about Mr. show?
David:
wow. that’s weird, because i just did when you asked that. that was the first time. that’s weird. but yeah, just now. sick of it.

Tig:what song would play during the credits of your life story?
David:
“let’s hear it for the boy.”

Want more of the boy?
David Cross is online here and here
+ check him out at Warner Theatre this Wednesday
(and if you’re in the mood for more comedy this week, look no further than here)

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