Oh shit. You woke up at 5:30 AM and you realized you have less than 24 hours left to cast your vote in the District. For no reason this makes you very nervous–as if it was a school project. Not a real one, more like something you promised your really sweet drama teacher you’d do for extra credit and you don’t even need extra credit but you can’t stand to let her down though you’re not even sure how to start [writing a villanelle/building a papier-mâché Trojan Horse/kilning a slap-pot map of Prussia]! What should you do?
Q: SHOULD YOU STILL VOTE IF YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNINFORMED ABOUT THE CANDIDATES?
A: COME ON. DUDE. SERIOUSLY. LIKE, DEMOCRACY, RIGHT?
Also if you skip it people will be talking about it for at least the next week or so and you’ll be all embarrassed to be like “duhhh no I was um sleepy” because the only real advantage to voting is getting to lord it like crazy over all the other slackers. Plus, the old “The Polling Place is a Sacred Trust and I Shall Not Reveal Who I…” trick? Nobody’s buying it Dad–we know that means you didn’t get around to it.
Wait, go here and make sure you are registered, maybe you can get out of it. Shit, you are. Guess you’ll have to go on your lunch hour. Time to do some quick googling to see who the fuck all these people are and make sure you don’t accidentally vote for a Nazi or the janitor? Luckily for you BYT has put together this quick and easily referable list of the same shallow and meaningless snap decisions you were going to make anyway, so just print this out and carry it into the booth with you and you can spend the next hour reading about jaw implants instead. Don’t worry, they won’t mind if you bring it in there, because voting is much like blackjack. You can bring any sort of reference material you want to the game, in the end you’re still going lose.
AND HERE WE GO*
Marion Barry. We really do want him back. Just admit it–everyone loves this fucker secretly. He’s like the shitty abusive father we never had…imagine if you could act crazy all the time and everyone would be like “Poor kid, look at what that man did to you!” Can you picture doing coke with Vincent Grey in the alley behind the 15 Minutes Club with three trannys? Hell no. Fenty may be corrupt but in such a small time way. There’s no romance to getting your friends jobs or buying votes with Safeway cards or whatever it is he’s being accused of this week. How about bankrupting an entire city and then not filing income taxes for 10 years? That is a baller.
But sigh, he’s not running, again. So instead BYT recommends that you vote for Adrian Fenty, who is currently the mayor we hear. He’s pretty hot. And Vincert Grey’s voice sounds like a Cuisinart spinning with a fork in it stuffed in a mattress–somehow grating and boring at the same time. So, YUM.
2. At Large Councilman
If someone’s going to have a sweet title with At-Large in it they should be pretty fucking gangsta. And nothing is more gangsta than deliberately running for an office held by a different, more popular dude because you have the same name as him. It’s like, yo, morons, vote for me for Boston Senate my name is Teddy P. Kennedy, no I have no experience but that really is my name, ask my moms. She is also my running mate. Do senators need running mates? I dunno but she pays my phone bill so she’s in.
(MICHAEL1 I AM YOUR FAATHER. MA2 THATS NOTTRUE ITS IMPOSSIBLE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
We are proud to endorse either Michael A or Michael D Brown, whichever for ALC! Also because the other guy has a creepy mustache.
3. Ward 1 Councilmember for the District of Columbia
We actually have to think about this one for a second. Bryan Weaver is really awesome and has a sick youtube of a platform, but Jim Graham has a wide variety of plastic shovels in his office. And let’s be honest, Jim Graham is probably going to win. He’s a quintessential politician. Have you ever seen him and Matthew Lesko in the same place?
Well actually yeah, at the Bentzen Ball last year they shared a stage. Nevertheless, we are chickening out of this one and recommending that you vote for Matthew Lesko because we like both of these worthy dudes much less than that sweet questionmark suit collection.
4. Ward 3 Coucilmember for the District of Columbia
FINALLY. This is the chance we’ve been waiting for, and we may not get another. If everyone reading this article writes in “SPIDERMAN” (instead of this chick Mary Cheh who is running unopposed), we have a real shot of demolishing the entire infected New World Order from the inside with the power of our collective protest! Also presumably the guy who played Spiderman in the 70s live-action series gets this seat by proxy. Is that right? Did we read the bylaws correctly? Nevermind.
Vote for SPIDERMAN
5. Ward 5 Councilmember for the District of Columbia
What? Oh god who cares these people are all so drab. Well the current guy may look like a middle school principal but he voted for gay marriage, which his main opponent hates, so I guess vote for him. “Harry Tommy Thomas Jr. — the man with the repetitive name and the middle name that is the same as his last name really.”
6. Ward 6 Councilmember for the District of Columbia
Tommy Wells has a great hook shot! Vote for him!
7. Council Chairman
Would you date a man who wrote a personal ad this plaintive? No. But if you’ve ever written a cover letter you know the agony of having to sell yourself to a bunch of uncaring HR reps, which is essentially identical to the ignorant gum-chewing political constituency of which you are an example. Therefore we instruct you to give one sympathy vote for Vincent Orange. Jesus even his name sounds pathetic.
8. Delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives
Are you kidding me? Eleanor Holmes Norton has been on the Colbert Report like 16 times. Don’t ask stupid questions.
*Note: order of names here might not actually reflect order on the ballot because we haven’t voted since the 90s. Bob Dole got so fucking robbed. Everything would have been different if we had a president who really understood impotence on 9/11.
**Note 2: Apparently there are Republican candidates and something called a Shadow Senator? Given that they have roughly the same chance of impacting your life you can skip these.
Time to buy yourself a vodka-tonic and toast America. They should call it DemoCRAZY haha you know? We know, yes, we know. Shhhh, it’ll be all right, soon it will all be over.