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First of all guys, lets look on the bright side: NO MORE WHITNEY. EVER. Now that we got that tidbit of joy out of the way, lets look at the not-so-bright-side: no more ALL SORTS OF GREAT SHOWS EITHER (30 ROCK! OFFICE! HAPPY ENDINGS!). Still, you have to spend your TV time on something once you’re done obsessively watching BROADCHURCH and the new season of LUTHER on BBC America (THANK YOU BBC AMERICA!) and so, here is a run-down of what to maybe spend that time on. Some seem pretty swell (see the * marks next to the title), some seem passable, and some seem highly questionable (yet possibly VERY SUCCESSFUL). In other words: Network business as usual.

Full disclosure: we’re straight up going to ignore shows like DADS and THE ORIGINALS and WE ARE MEN, because, well, we’re not in the market to completely insult your intelligence.

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ALSO-KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MID-SEASON PREMIERE UPDATES

OK, now-lets dig in:

NEW SITCOMS

*SUPER FUN NIGHT on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: 3 super dorky friends (and not Zooey Deschanel level of faux dorky, but a truly never-been-kissed-level of dorky) have spent the last 13 years partying inside their apartments and nowhere else. But all that is about to change.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: REBEL WILSON!!!!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: As much as we (deeeeeply) want this to succeed, we have to say it: It seems like a one-joke premise.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Anyone who has loved REBEL WILSON in anything (PITCH PERFECT, BRIDESMAIDS, etc). In other words: YOU.
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Medium to (Hopefully) High
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg1RtDr-cHE

MOM on CBS

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A recovering alcoholic high school drop out single Mom waitress tries to get her life back on track. Her  Mom, who may be the root of all the aforementioned problems joins in on the fun.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: ANA FARIS! ALLISON JANNEY!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: ANA FARIS’s face kind of doesn’t move these days. Also, the show was created by Chuck Lorre, who’s credits include “2 and a Half Men” and “Big Bang Theory” and that doesn’t bode well for people who hate “2 and a Half Men” and “Big Bang Theory” which a passion of a thousand fires, which is me and hopefully everyone else reading this article.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: People in the mood for a lady-driven “2 and a Half Men”? People who will watch Ana Faris and/or Allison Janney in pretty much anything?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: (Sadly) High though I would like to urge you to boycott the show so that Faris and Janney can get themselves on a TV show they deserve.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlVG3EY35os

*BROOKLYN NINE-NINE on FOX

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A buttoned up captain inherits a loose cannon cop team.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: ANDY SAMBERG! ANDRE BRAUGHER! TERRY CREWS! CHELSEA PERETTI! JOE LO TRUGLIO! The Fox track record for making actually funny comedies intended for people not captive in a loveless Midwest marriage in the last few years (see: NEW GIRL, THE MINDY PROJECT, BEN & KATE (RIP).
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Seemingly no reason?
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: People who love Andy Samberg! People who wish Terry Crews was in every show always! People who remember all the amazing Joe Lo Truglio loose cannon cameos from everything from SUPERBAD to I LOVE YOU, MAN! People who were ready for a new cop show for Braugher, even if it is funny! People who thing Braugher could be to this what Nick Offerman is to PARKS & REC (which was created by Mike Schur, aka the same man who created BROOKLYN NINE-NINE, so you know…)! ME!!!!!
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: HIGH (as a kite)!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1UzmW77F30

THE MILLERS on CBS

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A news anchor is getting a divorce. His parents are not doing so great themselves. Marriage is hard! AND FUNNY!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: WILL ARNETT! MARGO MARTINGALE! that girl who played Caroline in NEW GIRL!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: The vibe is more EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND than “UP ALL NIGHT” or even RUNNING WILDE, two pretty good, pretty canceled previous Will Arnett network sitcom outings. No ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT vibes whatsoever.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: People who love Will Arnett and also love EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND? Which I think is no one really?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Low-ish. (We love you Will, but you deserve better, trust us)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxzXf5xVn_8

THE GOLDBERGS on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Sort of like MODERN FAMILY. But set in the 80s. And actually pretty traditional. And, oh yeah, Jewish.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Maybe some perverse nostalgia thing? Also, GEORGE CARLIN (also maybe)?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Pretty much everything else
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: All those MODERN FAMILY viewers of ABC
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: High
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhksMq75mj8

THE CRAZY ONES on CBS

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Ad Agency Hi-Jinx. Father-daughter Hi-Jinx!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Sarah Michelle Gellar is back!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: SO IS ROBIN WILLIAMS! (shudder)
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Everyone? No One?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Low-ish (mainly so SMG can scoot right out of there and hopefully join ABC’s Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. mid-season, so she can be where she belongs… in the soft, knowing embrace of Joss Whedon, forever)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWEL-FqBW0o

THE MICHAEL J.FOX SHOW on NBC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Michael J. Fox Returns!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Michael J. Fox Returns?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Michael J. Fox Returns
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Michael J. Fox fans.
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: I actually respect Michael J. Fox and everything he has done for us thus far (TEEN WOLF included) too much to say anything I actually think here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cde5VFNLLlU

SEAN SAVES THE WORLD on NBC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A Gay Single Dad. Saving the Day, one awkward teenage girl conversation at a time.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: SEAN HAYES!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: The trailer.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: People who can still quote all the Jack jokes from “Will & Grace”. People who watched “The New Normal” maybe? (which I know wasn’t too many people)
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Low
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPAp6U7_rAg

TROPHY WIFE on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Ditzy blonde becomes a titular trophy wife to a successful business man and inherits his other two ex wives and assorted offspring. Hi-jinx ensue (obviously!)
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: BRADLEY WHITFORD!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Too many things/cliches/offensive jokes/Malin Akerman boob references/sad misuses of Marcia Gay Harden to mention
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Bradley Whitford fans?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: DISMAL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XwQS1Mg45w

NEW DRAMAS

*MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Joss Whedon. Marvel. Need to know more?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Joss Whedon. Marvel. Need to know more?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Sarah Michelle Gellar is in that stupid Robin Williams sitcom and not in this.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Joss Whedon fans. Marvel fans. Everyone who ever clicked on the BYT homepage/watched TV/enjoyed pop-culture ever?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: SKY HIGH

THE BLACKLIST on NBC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A Mastermind criminal surrenders to The FBI and offers cooperation of the kind not even The FBI can refuse.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: James Spader at his scenery-chewing finest. A sort of a Hannibal Lecter-Clarice Sterling/Dr. Henry Higgins-Eliza Doolitle dynamic, minus the cannibalism, or the singing.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Could be just a touch too hokey. Also, could use some William Shatner for good measure.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: James Spader fans. Terrorism drama fans. Pygmalion fans.
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Medium, though NBC hopes are obviously high.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9_qgX7pTlc

*HOSTAGES on CBS

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: A Rogue FBI Agent takes a surgeon’s family hostage
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: TONI COLLETTE on network TV! plus: DYLAN MCDERMOTT! AND TATE DONOVAN!
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Unlike what CBS does best-this is a highly serialized show (vs. a crime-an-episode procedural they’ve perfected over the years) and well, we’ll see if the plotline holds for 15 episodes. At best-this could be SCANDAL good, at worst, another REVENGE.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Smart, adult people who will watch dramatic, soapy thrillers as long as they have a valid excuse to do so (TONI COLLETTE!). Anyone hoping to see Dylan McDermott’s ass on the small screen again (Which is A LOT of people)
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Medium – to – High
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8thzMN2jj6c

INTELLIGENCE on CBS

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: America’s most powerful weapon IS A MAN. With a microchip in his brain! WHAT?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Josh Holloway is still looking pretty hot. Is that reason enough?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: DEFINITELY VERY HOKEY.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Bros? Maybe?
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Medium.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz1vtciSRYc

SLEEPY HOLLOW on FOX

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Ichabod Crane is somehow teleported to a modern day Sleepy Hollow and teams up with a cop to solve a National-Treasure mystery (or something like that)
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: Not sure, drinking games during ridiculous plot lines maybe?
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Did you read the elevator pitch?
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Fans of shows like GRIMM, I assume (I am not one of them)
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Low-to-Medium, since despite the premise, the early reviews have not been dismal. Also, people were into things like HEMLOCK GROVE and stuff, so…

ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Alice in Wonderland part 2. But sexier and more romantic.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: The trailer looks lovely visually. John Lithgow is the white rabbit (we’d watch John Lithgow in anything)
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Does the world REALLY need another Alice Reboot?
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: All those ONCE UPON A TIME ABC fans (Shameless!)
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: High

REIGN ON CW

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Mary Queen of Scots – Gossip Girl Edition
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: This seems like the only legitimate new guilty pleasure of the season.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: Last time CW handled a prequel to an iconic character it was pretty lame (CARRIE DIARIES, anyone?)
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Whatever happens at the Venn diagram intersection of Renn Fest Goers and Gossip Girl fans.
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: High (CW standards being taken into account and all)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wouFafiBI6k

BETRAYAL on ABC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH: Sex. Power. Photography. Murder. BETRAYAL.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: The cast has some solid heavy hitters in it (JAMES CROMWELL, STUART TOWNSEND etc), plus one of the most talked about newcomers (HANNAH WARE, sister of Jessie Ware) and a good, soapy premise.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: The title sounds awfully close to DECEPTION, which was HORRIBLE
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: Fans of REVENGE and SCANDAL and those who still miss DIRTY SEXY MONEY
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: Medium

DRACULA on NBC

  • ELEVATOR PITCH:  Dracula returns to the Victorian era to destroy the lives of those who destroyed his.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED: 10 Episodes of Jonathan Rhys Myers’ abs and cheekbones.
  • WHY YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED: 10 Episodes of Jonathan Rhys Mysers’ creepy facial hair.
  • TARGET AUDIENCE: All those women watching TUDORS on demand/on-netflix/on Hulu plus
  • CHANCE OF SURVIVAL: High
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1jVcmDH43Y

And that’s it. Leave us some comments telling us WHAT YOU’RE EXCITED FOR THIS FALL, and in the meantime, we’ll leave you with some GIFs of some shows way better than (at least 75%) the shows mentioned above that are NOT coming back this season. RIP:

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