BUT FIRST: 15 Impressions of Big Brother
BYT Staff | Jul 12, 2013 | 2:30PM |

All words: Ryan Mahoney

Ok, so I know what you’re all thinking… “’Big Brother’ is still on?” Sure it may not be the hot commodity it once was, but “Big Brother” still plays a huge role in my summer, so let’s get you all up to date.

The way I am going to do this is by introducing you to each houseguest and give you my first impression and how I feel about them now. If you are unfamiliar with the game, here is a quick explanation.

On this particular season there are 16 houseguests. Each week they compete to be Head of Household. Head of Household puts up 2 people for elimination. The twist this season is America votes for MVP and that houseguest gets to choose a third houseguest to go up for elimination. The three houseguests along with the HOH compete for the “power of veto” and whomever wins this power gets to take someone off the block or keeps the nominations the same. Then, there is a live eviction. Got all that?

Also, a showmance is a romance happening on the show. FYI.

Let’s meet our houseguests:



Age: 25
Occupation: Lifeguard
First Impression: Brain-dead Bro
Current Impression? Brain-dead Bro

After having a showmance with Aaryn (see below) with the first few days of being in the house, he ended up being the first evicted houseguest. Later hater.  Also, 25? Someone should tell his face. That constant sun exposure has aged him tremendously.




Age: 26
Occupation: Professor
First Impression: Hysterical
Current Impression? He’s a nice guy, but he hasn’t really done anything.



Age: 26
Occupation: Property Appraiser
First Impression: Hillbilly.
Current Impression? He’s endearing; He seems to have everyone’s best interests at heart. I’m rooting for him



Age: 23
Occupation: Boat Shop Associate
First Impression: Tool, but I like him.
Current Impression? Tool, and I HATE him. He is too cocky for his own good and it will be his demise.  He is currently in a showmance with Kaitlin. They’re pretty repulsive together.



Age: 29
Occupation: Boat Shop Associate
First Impression: Irrelevant.
Current Impression? He’s a top-notch guy. Although, there has been racism in the house by both Aaryn and Ginamarie, he has turned to praying for them as payback.



Age: 28
Occupation: Entrepreneur
First Impression: I have hated him since pre-screening season. I thought he was arrogant and even took to twitter, in which he favorite my tweet. This, unknowingly to him, created a war between the two of us.
Current Impression? He seemed over-the-top and rehearsed in his diary room interviews. But upon research, and to know shock to any of us, he majored in theater in college. He was eliminated last night. Good riddance.



Age: 31
Occupation: Railroad Conductor
First Impression: Wildcard.
Current Impression? I still don’t know who he is. He thinks he’s running the house but most of the time, I forget he’s even there.



Age: 23
Occupation: Pizza Delivery Boy
First Impression: Wildcard… but I like him.
Current Impression? He won the first HOH proving he was a true competitor. He’s currently in a showmance with Amanda, and I’m kind of all for it.  I think he has a good chance of winning the whole game if he plays his cards right.



Age: 22
Occupation: College Student
First Impression: Cute Country Girl.
Current Impression? Racist. Aaryn has become one of the most controversial houseguests in Big Brother history. Her racist and homophobic remarks actually got her dropped from her modeling agency. I don’t think it is a coincident Aaryn’s name is so close to “Aryan”….




Age: 25
Occupation: Unemployed
First Impression: She’s one of those girls who thinks she’s prettier than everyone else and girls are intimidated by her.
Current Impression? She’s this complex mix of boring and annoying. She’s really irrelevant. Pay her no mind.




Age: 29
Occupation: Pediatric Speech Therapist
First Impression: Boring.
Current Impression? Goddess. I really didn’t pay any attention until she started to stand up for herself to both Aaryn and GinaMarie. I’m really rooting for this girl. BONUS: She cleans up well.



Age: 32
Occupation: Pageant Coordinator
First Impression: Annoying Staten Island Girl
Current Impression? She desperately wanted a showmance with Nick, and he wanted no part, and she is currently balling her eyes out over his eviction.

She is the other houseguest who lost her job by making racist remarks. When will these people learn that they are being filmed 24/7?



Age: 37
Occupation: Political Consultant
First Impression: Token 30+ Mom
Current Impression? QUEEN HELEN! She is current HOH and the only person who stood by Elissa before it was cool. Props.

BONUS: She’s from Virginia!



Age: 27
Occupation: Nutritionist
First Impression: GODDESS and sister to my favorite Big Brother contestant of all time RACHEL RIELLY.  Here is Rach’s advice on how to win the game:

Current Impression? She’s won MVP the past two weeks consecutively because she deserves it. The majority of the house has been against her because of who her sister is, but she has risen past them and avoided eviction each week because she is a gift from the heavens.




Age: 28
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
First Impression: Boobs.
Current Impression? She’s actually kind of hysterical. She’s currently shacking up with McCrea and her strategy seems to be just that. She hasn’t made any decisions on her own since entering the house and that’s worrisome.



Age: 23
Occupation: Bartender
First Impression: She kind of looks like Megan Fox.
Current Impression? All she does all day is play grab-ass with Jeremy. This ain’t “The Real World,” honey.

All in all, I have no clue where CBS found these people… or how they seem to have overlooked my application. Let me know what you think. Who are you rooting for? I think you know my answer…


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  • Alana says:

    HILARIOUS! Please keep me up to speed so I don’t have to shake up my normal television viewing practices. Also, Aaryn, Aryan can that really be a coincidence? Furthermore Conspiracy, Piracy cons??? Somebody is really trying to mess with us!

  • bridget says:

    so ready for Aaryn to leave so she can see what an idiot she actually is.

  • Mariely says:

    LOVE this! Can’t wait for Aaryn to leave so she can see how much everybody hates her.

  • Katie Mahoney says:

    you rack me up Ryan!!! I love this!!!!!