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One of our favorite places to get drunk have fun is at the 80s themed Breakfast Club party at the Duplex Diner. When we heard that their theme this month is GameBoi, we immediately asked the organizers Adam Koussari-Amin and Khelan Batia to put together something to help us prepare.

Get ready to blow into your cartridges and hope for the best as Breakfast Club presents a guide to the Sexiest Video Game Characters of the 1980s.

These days, nearly unlimited computer power has created computer characters that nearly equal (and sometimes surpass) human beauty and realism.  While that’s all well and good, it doesn’t take billions of pixels to turn it out.  Back in the 80s, Mario and Luigi had nothing but two sprite animations to serve it up.  In honor of making it work, we present to you the 10 fiercest video game characters of the 80s.

Samus Aran (Metroid)

Princess Peach may have been Nintendo’s original “it” girl, but gigantic dresses and a limited supply of turnips are no match for a bodysuit and an unlimited supply of landmines.  Powerful, beautiful, and extremely flexible (have you seen her ball form?!), Samus is a great role model for all girls who want to stave off ancient alien menaces while looking good doing it.

Link (Legend of Zelda)

The elfin wonder of your dreams, Link is driven by an unending desire to save his princess and collect more tools than a human being could possible hold onto at any one time.  He wouldn’t have to “Triforce” us to do anything, though, because he could play our ocarina anytime.

Q*Bert (Q*Bert)

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Videogames’ most foul mouthed mascot is essentially walking around with a third leg on his face.  He’s loud, he’s proud, and he’s willing to do things for quarters.

Simon Belmont (Castlevania)

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Simon Belmont is the original video game dominatrix, doling out justice to undead johns one lashing at a time.  Whether they were man, beast, or even Dracula himself, Simon always had enough whips, chains, and potions to subdue their passionate advances.

Tetris Blocks (Tetris)

Proving the old adage “different strokes for different folks”, Tetris pieces were built to ensure that everyone’s able to pick their poison.  More importantly, things get even more intense the more they fit together, with four complete rows leading to a release of energy so big, you’ll need a cigarette afterward.

Ms. Pacman (Ms. Pacman)

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Those lips…those eyes…those lack of hips and/or thighs, Ms. Pacman is an original diva who shattered sales records and spiced up the arcade.  What’s more, she’s a progressive woman, never choosing to settled down for a Mrs., instead roaming the clubs as the ultimate man(ghost?)-eater.

Solid Snake (Metal Gear)

This tactical espionage agent will sneak into your heart and steal your love with an incredible use of convoluted backstory, ridiculously long cut scenes, and the most ridiculous frenemy names (Dirty Duck? Fatman?) you’ve ever seen.

White Mage (Final Fantasy)

Whoever said less is more has never met the White Mage.  Fully clothed up to her eyeballs, the White Mage has healing spells for days, sleeves for weeks, and face for years.

Dog (Duck Hunt)

The library is open, HUNTY!  This betch’s shady laughter when you miss a shot has been haunting dreams since 1984.  Don’t try to act like you didn’t waste every fake bullet you had shooting that smug mug of his…we certainly did.

Birdo (Super Mario Bros. 2)

Forgoing all gender stereotypes, Birdo has been championing the trans and queer movement for years and for that she’s one of the fiercest video game characters of all, leading the way for other trans videogame characters like Final Fight’s Poison:

Note: Pink is not required for a trans video game character design, but apparently it does help.

You can catch all of these characters and more when BreakfastClub turns back the clock this Friday with GameBoi: a celebration of all things 80s dance and video games.  If you head over to the event page now, you’ll even be able to post your favorite video game character and enter for a chance to win a $50 gift card to Duplex Diner!

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BreakfastClub presents GameBoi
Friday, March 14th
Duplex Diner (18th and U)
9PM – 2AM – NO COVER
For more information, click here

ponylittleFor more on DC’s queer nightlife scene, push left-left, right-left up-down-up, for the secret code and follow the @BYGays on Twitter.

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