Brandon Wetherbee is the host of You, Me, Them, Everybody. You, Me, Them, Everybody records Friday, July 5 at the Wonderland Ballroom. He’ll be wearing a sports pin on his lapel.
My favorite sports team just won their sports thing. This makes me very happy. Please do not be upset.
I am a sports fan. I have been a sports fan since I was aware of balls and pucks. I was a closeted sports fan when I bought In Utero and quit all sports and played in bands. Then I went to college and realized I was being dumb. I still liked balls and pucks.
Sports comes up a lot on the talk show because it’s a wonderful distraction from “real” life. This week the Supreme Court made it OK for southern states to be racist, ruled that gay people can and should have the same rights as everyone else because come on, no one can find a guy that leaked information and Texas really wants to you to have a baby. There’s not a lot of fun in those stories. There’s a lot of pain and some hope, but not a lot of fun. There’s fun in sports. There’s a ton of fun when your favorite team wins something.
My favorite teams, in order, are the Chicago Blackhawks, Chicago Bears, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, Chicago Bulls, Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles. I would say the Washington Redskins are 8th, but I’m not super racist.
I understand that most of you do not care that I like sports. This is OK. You don’t have to. But you don’t need to shit on my love of sports, especially when it comes to hockey. Especially when that sport has just employed thousands of people and hurt no one in the process.
I understand hating football. Athletes are destroyed, mentally and physically, by the most brutal and popular American sport.
I understand hating baseball. It moves at a snails pace.
I understand hating basketball. The exaggerated not-really-fouls can turn any fan into a harsh critic. Also, everyone misses the super short early 80s shorts.
I do not understand hating hockey.
Hockey players aren’t physical oddities. The average player is 6 feet, 1 inch at a weight of 203.5 pounds. That’s me. I’m the size of the average hockey player. I’m a normal dude. That’s cool.
Hockey players grow playoff beards. Since the average hockey player age is 28.2, most of the beards are just heavy stubble. Everyone likes heavy stubble.
Hockey players don’t suffer many concussions. Fighting is on the way out. Hockey is much, much, much less violent than football. This is a good thing. Instead, hockey players take pucks to the face and destroy their teeth and faces and get badass scars. Then the team pays to get their teeth fixed and stitches. Hockey players have awesome dental care and scars. I wish I had awesome dental care. The scars are whatever.
Hockey is a team sport. The average shift length is 45 seconds. There are four lines of five players. That means twenty guys all take the ice for large portions of the 60-minute game. This makes it impossible for the game to become a sport of superstars or prima donnas.
Hockey gives overweight musicians and filmmakers and Rihanna an acceptable wardrobe.
Professional hockey teams, like all major teams, employ hundreds of starving artists. You know those guys that scream in the crowd, trying to unload beer and Twizzlers and cotton candy? They’re probably in a band. How do I know this? One of the best noise musicians in Chicago, Arvo Fuckhead, is a beer vendor for the Blackhawks, Bulls, Cubs and White Sox. You can hear him during most broadcasts of Cubs and White Sox games. He’s one of dozens of my artsy friends employed by major teams.
I like seeing the games with a crowd. They’re fun to watch in dive bars with people that you’ll find at your favorite rock and/or roll club. Even if you don’t care about the game, most of the people are very nice and happy and that’s never a bad thing.
The Chicago Blackhawks championship rally was earlier today. They’re that team I really like. It was wonderful and stupid. The players have stitches and broken bones and looked tired/happy. Not the most eloquent guys said nice things. Then the goalie, Corey Crawford, number 50, a 28-year-old Canadian took the stage. He said the following:
“A bunch of dudes worked their fucking nuts off for this trophy!”
And that’s why I like hockey. A bunch of dudes worked their fucking nuts off for a trophy they can use a 35-pound chalice.
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night. Go Blackhawks! Our name isn’t nearly as racist as the Redskins!