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Brandon Wetherbee hosts You, Me, Them, Everybody. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on Friday, May 1

It’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner weekend! Hooray!

As a member of the press I have attended many parties with celebrities. So many parties. So many will.i.am sightings. I own multiple bow ties. More than one bow tie! Two are real, old fashioned, tie-it-like-a-man, bow ties! So I’ve seen soon-to-be-poor people do lots of coke. High on the hog actors and musicians and politicians and all the people that work for actors and musicians and politicians that think they’re the real stars. That’s not the point. Parties. I am an expert at parties and partying with celebs. Expert.

D.C. is party central this weekend. Unless you work at the Party Store, you will not be able to handle this much partying. There are some basic things that every partier should remember when in the same room with celebrities. Here is a list of those things.

1. Everything is better but complain about everything being worse.
Free food, alcohol, gifts, etc., are nice, but was it really worth waiting 2 minutes? I once waited 3 minutes for a free drink and felt like a fool. A goddamn fool.

2. That person looks like plastic.
Because there is plastic in their face. This does not make them more or less of a person. It’s a thing. Get over it.

3. That David Bowie song “Fame.”
Pretty good.

4. You do not need to wear a bow tie.
Even if it’s black tie. No one cares about your tie. Wear a black tie and you’ll be fine. You won’t look like McDonald’s and Target ad man Justin Timberlake if you wear a regular tie. You’ll look like Mercedes Benz ad man Jon Hamm. That dude is cool.

5. Is that that older character actor? Is it? Yep! It’s him? What’s he from?
He’s from “Mad About You.” You’re looking at character actor Richard Kind. He’s hitting on your date. Stop this. Now. She’s looks upset.

6. Though it’s fun to scream what you think they should do, no one likes to hear someone scream at them and tell them what to do.
I did this on Wednesday night. And Thursday night. And on my talk show. This needs to stop.

7. The bathrooms are busy.
And will be later in the night.

8. Is that the third Black Eyed Peas song the DJ has played?
Yes.

9. This party sucks!
No, it doesn’t. It’s just not for you.

10. This party is the best!
For now. That will change. Soon. Leave on a high note. You will not miss anything if you leave while you’re still having fun.

11. Make eye contact and smile.
Even if the dude talking to you used to work for Grover Norquist and won’t stop telling you that he worked for Grover Norquist like that’s a good thing and thinks he has a shot at fucking one of the “Vampire Diaries” actresses. Just make eye contact and smile. This is not the time to use words. This is the time to remember that when/if you have kids to raise them in the opposite way of this guy.

12. Bros are everywhere.
Even in dive bars. You’re just noticing them at this party because the lighting is better.

13. You’re not going to get a job from this.
Whether it’s sexual or financial, you will not be sleeping with the actor you like from “Glee” or working with the guy that played Gus on “Breaking Bad.” But that’s OK.

14. You’re going to get an absurd amount of Facebook photos from this.
Hey ex-girlfriends, how you like me now! What’s that? The same. Or worse? Because I look like some starfucker posting these photos on my wall? I will take these photos off my wall.

15. Celebrities are not just like us.
They’re the reason why you’re here. Without the celebrities in attendance there’s no party. No free food and drinks and swag. You’re here because they’re here. No one is throwing a party for you and your friends. Well, they might, but it’s not sponsored by a car company. This is OK. This does not make them better or worse people, but it does make the situation a little different. Different can be good.

I’m not sure if any of this is applicable when interacting at parties without celebrities. Those parties may be a little more fun. Maybe it’s less pressure. Maybe it’s a lack of character actor Richard Kind.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.

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