Behind the Desk 82: God Made A Talk Show Host
BYT at large | Feb 8, 2013 | 2:20PM |

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody at the Wonderland Ballroom in D.C. and in Baltimore, Brooklyn, Chicago and Philadelphia. Listen to it online at He’ll be hosting You, Me, Them, Everybody Friday, February 8 at the Wonderland Ballroom at 7:30 p.m. with announcer Jamel Johnson, liar Adam Friendland, guests Rohan Mahadevan, Natalie McGill and The Mean Season. He’ll be hosting The Mardis Gras Carnivale Friday, February 8 at Black Cat at 9 p.m.

I watched the Super Bowl because I’m an American man. I used to be in an American band. I used to come to your town to help you party down (RIP “Party Down”). Now I come to your town to mock things because God made me a talk show host.

I learned that God makes farmers during the Super Bowl. And trucks. God makes trucks.

So that happened. People watched a commercial on Sunday and really liked it. How much did they like it? The video currently has over 8 million views on YouTube.

Why does a truck commercial have 8 million views on YouTube? Are we so desperate for anything that has a semblance of authenticity that we now like commercials?

Remember the other dumb fucking commercial about halftime in America? That bullshit about how it’s not a game and the people in Detroit and “don’t talk to me like that President Chair” and racism driving a Gran Torino? 11 million YouTube views! A commercial that a car company paid an advertising firm to make is now being viewed by choice!

Win? Let’s use an abstract during a commercial! Let’s use a boxing metaphor with a football metaphor!

Remember when a different car commercial featuring the song about Eminem throwing up his mom’s meal on his sweatshirt was a big deal? Yea. You do. Because two years after it first premiered, it has sequels. It has gospel choirs on dilapidated Detroit skyscraper roofs. Because mom’s spaghetti! Because 15 million YouTube views!

(Sidenote: Why is a song about a man bragging that he ate a meal his mother made him as an adult because he lives with her, not a special meal they had because he has a good life and doesn’t live at home, no, a song that confronts the sad  reality of living with a parent in your 20s/30s, an anthem of drive and positivity?)

So if that’s what authenticity is, car commercials that use grand metaphors about nothing to describe the downfall of the American auto industry that are disguised to make a viewer feel proud to be an American, I’m going to embrace it. God made a talk show host.

Here’s the script for my “God Made A Talk Show Host” commercial. Feel free to use black and white images, the “Ken Burns Effect” and crowd shots.

And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a break from reality.” So God made a talk show host.

God said, “I need somebody willing to get up on stage, use a microphone, use words to express ideas, ask some questions, mock death, then go to introduce a band and stay past midnight drinking a post­show drink.” So God made a talk show host.

God said, “I need somebody willing to sit up all night with a newborn comic and watch it die, then dry his eyes and say,’Maybe try improv,’ I need somebody who can be original, stop being sexist, who can make laughs that don’t involve your parents, feed jokes and sell drinks. Who, during an 8­minute set and desk interview will finish his night by plugging his next show and then, walking from stage, tweet nice things for another 72 hours.” So God made the talk show host.

God said, “I need somebody dumb enough to try this and laugh at conformity, yet be relatable to old men and young women and comedy nerds, who will say bad things because they think they can do it better.”

It had to be somebody who’d plow deep and straight and not cut corners. Somebody to seed, weed, feed, breed, and brake, and disk, and plow, and plant, and tie the call­backs and strain the whiskey. Somebody who’d bale a family together with the soft, strong bonds of sharing, who would laugh, and then sigh and then reply with smiling eyes when his son says that he wants to spend his life doing what Dad doesn’t do. “So God made a talk show host.”
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.