Behind the Desk 71: Thanksgiving at the DMV

Brandon Wetherbee produces the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody. He’ll be hosting the You, Me, Them, Everybody Live 6 year anniversary show tonight at The Hideout in Chicago. 

I’m in the holiday spirit. I’m in line at the D.C. DMV. Hold on. Something is happening.

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There’s a ‘medical situation’ at this DMV. I’m at the only DMV in NW.

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I’m leaving the only DMV in NW. The ‘medical situation’ has caused a temporary shutdown of the only DMV in NW. Now I’m headed to the DMV at 95 M S SW.

I was yelled at/chastised by two security guards and sort-of helped by another security guard. I went from hating people with high school educations on power trips to Libertarian  to tired to an acute awareness of being sober.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have a short temper when you’re a security guard. You’re employed to create a barrier between an already angry public and an already overworked public servant. Hating people based on education is dumb. And Nazi-ish. I was a dumb Nazi.

How would a Libertarian DMV be good? It couldn’t exist. I was a dumb Libertarian.

Nothing wrong with being tired at the DMV. It’s better than hyper and happy.

I am sober. I am not hung over. I’m pretty sure I was not sober, probably hung over when I did this four years ago. My drivers license photo reflected my drinking habits. I looked like a schluby mid-twenties schlub that looks like he was/is being molested by a mid-fifties schlub.

Off to M St SW.

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It’s so easy to hate security guards. So easy and reasonable but not helpful. It’s like hating on Nickleback. Why hate Nickleback? Do you listen to Nickleback by choice? Am I even spelling Nickleback correctly? I’ll hear 10-20 seconds of a Nickleback song I don’t like when I’m watching sports or in a convenient store, yet I hear more ‘jokes’ about a very generic Canadian rock band than actual anger or thought over anything that matters. But security guards? Am I right?

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The DMV at M ST SW is much cleaner. Everyone looks tired and put upon. It’s Thanksgiving one day early.

I’m in the midst of recording a holiday album. I alluded to it in the first paragraph. Tonight is night 3 of recording for the You, Me, Them, Everybody holiday record. I’m trying to stay hopeful and positive at the DMV so I’m not a self-righteous woe-is-me prick when I’m hosting tonight’s recording.

I chose to write this column at the DMV to show that Thanksgiving and the holidays and all that stuff may seem difficult at the time but once it’s over you’re free to do whatever you want.

Wait a second.

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OK. Fuck this. Some stereotypes are true. Everyone at the DMV, their families, friends, associates, teams they like, religions they believe, is horrible. This is worthless. I’m keeping my old license. I just wasted two hours with nothing to show and a renewed sense of anger. Bing Ron Paul. #occupy. Ron Swanson is right about everything.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night. The D.C. DMV will never have a wonderful night because it can’t experience joy. Jesus Christ. Fix it. Is there any reasonable explanation for awful everything? Put out some fucking candy or something.