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Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody at the Wonderland Ballroom in D.C. and in Baltimore, Brooklyn, Chicago and Philadelphia. Listen to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be hosting The Halloween Circus this Saturday night at the Red Palace.
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” is coming to CBS. A sitcom based on a Nirvana song based on a Kathleen Hanna scribble will exist. Good.
The third television show based on Nirvana lyrics, the first being the drama “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” (based on “Polly”), the second being the mockumentary “Dateline: To Catch A Predator” (based on “Rape Me” and “All Apologies” and “Dumb” and pretty much every song on “In Utero”), will probably be about a former grunge-loving single dad trying to figure out how to raise his daughter in the world of blogs and Foo Fighters.
John Stamos or Jerry O’Connell will play the dad, Parker Posey will play the dead wife (she’ll appear in flashbacks) and Miley Cyrus will play the lead, Francis. It’ll be set in Seattle. He’ll be the owner of record store, aptly called Teen Spirit. She’ll be a first-year art student at a community college. It will be glorious. It will need friends.

CBS deserves a solid, three-hour programming block of shows based on alt-rock anthems from the early ’90s. Here are a few of my suggestions.

“Jeremy” 8 p.m.
A former nerd is a self-made millionaire nerd. He sold his tech start-up and is bored. He begins a new life as a substitute teacher in the inner city. The inner city kids teach him that there’s more to life than sadness. Together, they learn about surfing. Pearl Jam refuses to participate in the show but it happens anyway. Creed performs the title song, “With Arms Wide Open.”
“Doll Parts” 8:30 p.m.
It’s just “Mean Girls” with way meaner girls. Courtney Love appears in the pilot but gets fired from the show halfway through filming the episode. She is replaced with whatever the name is of the lead singer of Poe.
“Two Princes” 9 p.m.
Based on the anthem by Spin Doctors for people that owned weird jeans and dumb hats, this dating program is equal parts “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Instead of one happy couple riding off on a horse, two happy couples ride off on horses! The Spin Doctors do not appear on the show because they are ugly and ugly people do not deserve TV love.
“Lightning Crashes” 10 p.m.
Remember that Live song about a miscarriage or death or something? Now it’s a sexy drama about a male OB/GYN! The title sequence begins with an angel opening her eyes. Pale, blue colored eyes. She looks down and sees Lightning, our male OB/GYN finishing up an exam. That’s just the title sequence! This dude knows the ladies! Lightning is a kick-ass Lothario, slowed down only by conscious, a preachy Ed Kowalczyk who annoyingly sings every line of dialogue.
Your Local News 10:30 p.m.
Still your local news, but the theme song is now “More Human than Human” by White Zombie.
Since CBS will obviously succeed with my programming block, I’d be more than happy to fill all seven days of programming. Why stick with just an early 90’s alt-rock sound? How about that New Jack Swing? East Coast Vs West Coast rap feuds? Late 80’s college rock? There is no shortage of things to steal. Let me be the guy that helps ruin memories.
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.