Prove your humanity


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By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Looking Glass Lounge on February 20 hosting 8×8 with Andrew Bucket, Sean Joyce, Evan Valentine, Adam Friedland, Erin Linkins Myers, Jason Pittman, Lady Hawkins and Brandon Moses.


Dear James Osterberg, aka Iggy Pop,

I’ll begin with honest praise. You are my favorite live performer. You have written some of my favorite songs of all time. “Success” and “Tonight” are played multiple times a week in my house and in the places I host my talk show. When I’m really drunk, I listen to your work with The Stooges. When I’m really hungover, I listen to your work with David Bowie. I’m not a fair weather fan or fame whore. That being said, I need a favor that only you can deliver.

I am engaged to be married to the woman I love. My mother made me watch 20 hours of “Say Yes to the Dress”  over two days on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Though it was awful, I did learn one thing: your wedding is your day, not a chance for neurotic but well meaning parents to put ribbons on everything and make your reception as close to a child’s beauty pageant as possible. So, Mr. Osterberg/Pop, since it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re a good and fair man, please sing the recessional and processional at my wedding.

My fiance and I adore your music. We’re former DJs know-it-all’s that bicker over what obscure early 70s soul hit from Chicago best represents our relationships, what Daniel Johnston song would be good for the reception, what era of garage rock produced the most dance-able guitar sounds. We like records. We both really like your records. When she asked me what songs I’d like to use for the last moments of our single lives and our first walk as a married couple, I instantly responded with “Raw Power” for the processional and “Search and Destroy” for the recessional.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnUvx2Ah4jA

I’m sure you understand why, but I’ll explain for the reader.

“Raw Power” is a simple statement: I’m coming and get the fuck out of the way. Being with my fiance gives me that strength and blah blah blah. She makes me feel badass and as long as she doesn’t hate me, everyone else can fuck off. Also, the lines “Happiness is guaranteed/It was made for you and me” are what I want running through my head before I say my vows. It’s like an awesome pop song that you can listen to time and again without wanting to stab your ears.

“Search and Destroy” makes me want to scorch the earth. When I’m with the lady that’s how it feels. This is a good thing. This is the best thing one can feel.

I was at the Chicago date of the first leg of the current “Raw Power” tour and know you’re more than able to perform these songs. But I’m not asking for you to sing it in the same style as you did in 1973. That would be absurd. I think a rendition that sounds like “I Want to Go to the Beach” from your 2009 album “Preliminaires” would be excellent. Your current singing is ideal for any wedding couple that isn’t nuts.

So, here’s the catch. I can’t pay you. She told me I can’t offer you a private performance fee or start a Kickstarter to raise money. She never said anything about raising money for charity. You’ve recently written letters on behalf of PETA and I’m sure I could come up with a donation that would warrant your wedding gift. You name the cause and the price and I’ll start working on the fundraising.

This is completely sincere. I’m just a loud, Midwestern guy that wants to do something unique for his wedding. It would be fantastic if you could sing some of your old songs for us. If not, I understand. We’ll still listen to your records and see you live whenever we’re within 50 miles.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night. Oh yea, she says you have to be shirtless too. I’ll provide heat lamps or something. I think it’s because it’s good inspiration for me to get less fat. Either way, if that’s the one reason you can’t/won’t do it, I’ll figure something out.

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