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By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on November 4 with guests Rob Bricken from Topless Robot, stand up comedian Abe Barth and music from noon:30.

As a relatively new “Doctor Who”  devotee, I feel like I’m in a uniquely perfect position to cast myself as the new Doctor. With the recent announcement of Matt Smith ending his reign as Doctor Number 11 ( well, he kind of alluded to it saying that after the next season he wants to try to make it in Los Angeles and since the show doesn’t film there he has to leave, right?) and my recent purchase of a Tardis cookie jar for my friends, the time is right for me, Brandon Wetherbee, to be cast as Doctor Number 12.

First of all, I understand that the Doctor has never been American and I have zero big budget production history and there’s a 49 year tradition and blah blah blah. I get it. I do. I’m unconventional. You know what else is unconventional? The idea of a sci-fi series that’s approaching a fifth decade! A lead that has no last name! Time and space traveling! These things make no sense so why not? Come on, BBC, time to think outside the (Tardis) box! (I’m sorry. I know that isn’t funny but it needs to be there.)

So let’s say you guys make the very good decision of letting me probably ruin the longest running series in television history. Where could we go? Well, the story line could involve a tragedy, rebirthing the Doctor as an ugly American in a Great Britain/universe that is no longer what it once was. Symbolism! Get it? The Doctor used to be a proud individual, kind of British but belonging to no country, no planet. Me, as the loud, American, will represent the unstable nature that is planet earth! Yes, it’s very dumb and simple, but, if you want, I will wear a scarf! That’s right! A scarf! “Doctor Who” fans like the Doctor when he’s wearing a scarf!

My look will be very simple. Half David Tennant’s kick ass navy blue three piece suit, half Midwestern chic. What’s Midwestern chic? Ill fitting pants, unbuttoned top buttons on dress shirts and on the weekends, a Chicago Bears or Blackhawks hoodie a la Dan Conner in “Rosanne.” And a scarf, if you guys want. This look will work. No men will find me threatening (unlike Mr. Tennant, who every female I know would love to fuck and most men I know would like to fuck and it makes me feel angry/conflicted/insecure). Women will find me fixable, like a real life, soon to be man that wouldn’t look so bad if he just shed a few pounds and dressed slightly better.

The Doctor uses a Sonic Screwdriver because he’s cool as shit and doesn’t need guns. You know what? I do. I’m a god damn American and I will be the first doctor to use guns. Why not? It only goes against everything the Doctor has ever stood for, but fuck it, man, let’s just go for it! It’ll be a big gun too! Something Clint Eastwood would use in 1981! Once again, unconventional!

I understand that shows cost a lot of money to produce. Every penny counts and I will save you tons o’  cash by working for scale and letting go of one boom mic operator. Like I said before, I’m very loud and the guy that holds the stick that holds the mic can stay at home days I’m on set.

Besides having an unconventional origin, dress, speech, weapon and attitude (saucy!), I’ll be just like all the other Doctors. I’ll also be rebirthed in the first episode and replaced by David Tennant. Did I not mention that before? Oh yea, I’m not fucking crazy, I’m just a man with a dream. I simply want to be part of the cannon and bring back the best Doctor to date. Matt Smith is fine and all, but his episodes feel like middle school plays. Maybe it’s the bow tie. Whatever. I guess he’s not leaving after all. He’s not too bad. I just can’t let go of the recent awesome past.

Remember that episode when the Daleks fought the Cybermen?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu1_AguulJ8

That shit rules!

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.