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Brandon Wetherbee is the host of the talk show You, Me, Them, Everybody. He’ll be hosting YMTE at the Wonderland Ballroom in D.C. tonight with guests Allison Lane, Luke Wienecke, Haywood Turnipseed Jr, Andrew Bucket, Jonny Grave and the Tombstones, house band Katie McD., warm up from Jenn Tisdale and David Carter.

The majority of episodes of my talk show are recorded live, in front of an audience. I cut nothing from the first year of episodes because I wanted it to be ‘real’ and ‘raw’ and ‘I was dumb’. For the past four-and-a-half years, I cut. I cut a lot of things.

The last You, Me, Them, Everybody Live held a crowd for 95 minutes. The final edit clocks in at 56 minutes, 28 seconds. I cut 40.76% of the live show from the podcast. This is for the best.

Most of the cuts are due to band set ups and tear downs and mixing for levels. I’ll cut when people pop p’s, lean on verbal fillers like ‘like’, ‘um’ and ‘uh’ and stammer and stumble. Once in a while someone will be fearful of losing a job or a mate so I’ll take out a minute long anecdote to keep a name clean. It’s a tedious job but, in theory, it makes me a better host and editor.

Every so often a show is bad. So bad I don’t want to release it. This has happened only a handful of times. Useless audio files have turned my talk show into any other show, one-off events, something that perturbs me for a still unknown reason (why does everything need to be documented?). The other times I’ve wanted to keep a show hidden were because of bad performances. Since it’s my show, it’s my fault. At least I thought it was my fault. I thought it was my fault for nearly five years. I was wrong. I was very wrong.

A talk show requires a host and guests and performers. Though I control where the show goes, other people can fuck it up.

Maybe the first question shouldn’t have been, “Why do you hate women?”

It was a joke! It wasn’t a joke. I said it was a joke, but it obviously wasn’t a joke. The horrible things I said, when I was on stage alone doing a monologue, those were obviously jokes. Without a house band or co-host or warm up act, it didn’t really sound like a joke. I do not believe that women are icky and have cooties and should all kill themselves. That was obviously a joke. It was also a joke that the show was a men’s rights rally. Obviously. We did not go fedora shopping after the show, like I promised in the Facebook invite. It was a lie.

I lie. I lie before the show, in the Facebook invites and tweets and fliers and posters. The poster is not an x-ray of my insides. I have said the poster is my insides.

ymte2Not an x-ray of my insides, just a poster by Bill Connors

We have not re-enacted Academy Award winning films. To my knowledge, we did not summon Satan or birth Christ or birth the anti-Christ. I have yet to perform on the Sugar Ray Cruise (was going to be a real thing but was cancelled) or Shaquille O’Neal’s All-Star Comedy Jam (a real thing). I lie. It’s fun. It’s supposed to be fun.

Lots of talk show hosts lie. These lies are usually called jokes or bits or failed jokes or bits.

It should be obvious when it’s a lie. I do not believe the horrible things I say. I say them because they’re horrible and the audience and I can bond over horrible things and laugh at the absurdity of it all and find some common ground and have a laugh. Fun. It’s supposed to be fun. Maybe the first question shouldn’t have been, “Why do you hate women?” I asked that because it can be taken as a joke and we can joke and laugh and laugh at the people that actually hate or it can be answered in an honest and frank matter that can dispel an unwarranted reputation.

Can’t live in the past. I have to live with the recent present until a show is posted and I can record another. It’s been a little over two weeks. I’ve been thinking about the last show, not a good show, for far too long. The first few days I hated myself. The last few days, I’ve hated some previous guests. Now, I hate no one associated with the show (it’s a talk show, it’s fun, don’t be a dick, me) and am ready to lie again. I will lie and lie and say things that make people laugh and not hate each other and I will try to cut as little as I can from the show. I will most likely ask my first guest, “Why do you hate women?” This time I won’t cut it from the podcast.