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Brandon Wetherbee is the host of the podcast/talk show You, Me, Them, Everybody. He’ll be talking about The Replacements’ Tim as part of Important Records on Saturday, December 27 at saki records in Chicago, Il.

It IS the most wonderful time of the year. IT IS! And the music proves it. Songs by Jewish men about not Jewish children celebrating gifts their parents can’t afford is what this holiday and this country is all about. So here’s your X-Mas soundtrack. It’s full of holiday cheer and other holiday things, ideal for specific moods and feelings.

When you’re alone and sad and thinking about the end

Elvis Presley & Martina McBride “Blue Christmas”

Elvis’ “Blue Christmas” is a masterpiece. One of the most beautiful and heartbreaking songs that would not work if it was about the Fourth of July.

The Elvis and Marina McBride version of “Blue Christmas” is confusing and scary. You might put on the original when you’re sad and lonely. You should put this on when you’re sad and lonely and thinking about ending it all. DO NOT DO IT. If you end it, you will end up duetting with a future lady.

When you’re reminiscing about Junior High/High School crush and images of Mariah Carey are floating through your head

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

This song is undeniable. You may hate it, but you can’t hate it hate it. You hate it because it’s on every November and December 24/7 at every CVS/Walgreens/Duane Reade. That’s not Mariah’s fault.

The video kinda has the same vibe of Nirvana’s “Sliver.” That would have been a power couple, Carey and Cobain. Can’t live like that. It’s not very Christmas-y.

If you see this album cover and aren’t instantly taken back to odd feelings of innocent crushes, you are not a Christmas loving America. I am convinced that this album cover is why Nick Cannon thought it was a good idea to marry Mimi. Who doesn’t want to marry this person?

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When you’re in an intense relationship full of motorcycles and cameras

Kanye West “Bound 2”

A song that’s specifically about the time period between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it is a modern classic about love overcoming the stress of the holidays.

When you’re in need of a hip-hop song that sounds like a nursery rhyme

Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis”

This hip-hop anthem makes all the kids get excited for ADIDAS and two turntables and a microphone and pretending you grew up in Hollis.

I enjoy this song for the ill reindeer and Portland Trail Blazers Starter jackets. I also enjoy the lyrical style of describing everything in the room.

When you want to mess with the kids

Alvin and the Chipmunks “The Christmas Song (Don’t Be Late)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiNmVdFlIL4

This is an incredibly annoying song that features an adult man about to murder his chipmunk slaves. It’s horrible. But it can be made better.

For some reason, I own this 45. For some reason, I played this 45 at 33 1/3 speed and it became a magically evil experience. I recommend you do the same. It’s scarier than living with Dave.

When you need some positivity and want to go, “I forgot about this song! I love this song!”

The Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g91BiDOG0BE

I bet this is played in every bar that serves cheap beer on Christmas Eve.

How did song not get an official video? Whatever. At least it was on the Vampire Diaries.

When you’re an atheist that enjoys psychedelic drugs

The Flaming Lips “White Christmas”

I’ve watched the above video at least once each December since 2006. It’s everything one needs in a holiday song: a vague want for a specific type of weather, pointless reminiscing, a tinge of life-ending depressions. It’s a Christmas song for the dude that the party that knows this is all bullshit but can’t get over the beauty of pure white snow. Which brings us to our next pick.

When you’re a serial killer that enjoys three-piece suits

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds “Fifteen Feet Of Pure White Snow”

While technically not a holiday snow since it doesn’t mention any holiday, it does mention snow and family. What’s more Christmas-ey than that?

Bonus: Jarvis Cocker is in this video doing a very cool dance.

When you’re enemies with the guy from the Brian Jonestown Massacre and/or enjoy adults in diapers

The Dandy Warhols “Little Drummer Boy”

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

When you’re an alien that has differnet color eyes and/or beat your kids with oranges

David Bowie and Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

When you’re hosting a party in an intimate space

Lou Rawls “Merry Christmas Ho! Ho! Ho!” album

Vinyl. Play this on vinyl. Put it on, ignore it, let the people in the room come up to you between every song asking what this is. It’s the perfect Christmas album. It doesn’t have nearly as much praise as “A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector,” quite possibly the greatest pop Christmas album of all time, but it should. Rawls is for the kids and the grandparents. Anyone can groove to this.

When you’re wandering a big box chain store in the middle of the night searching for a gift for a relative you barely know

Smashing Pumpkins “Christmastime”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qahlw8aUWkA

I’ve heard this in Target and Walmart and Kmart near closing or 1am way too many times. It sounds like a guy that never had a kid but really wanted a kid wishes he had a kid for this Christmas. It sounds like I need to buy any gift and leave this big box store. Why did I wait til the last minute? Why am I in the suburbs?

When you’ve spend your entire life as a crusader for punk rock and science but can no longer deny the beauty that is a Christmas song

Bad Religion “Hard The Herald Angels Sing”

Just give in. It’s OK. If Bad Religion can release an entire album of holiday songs that doesn’t suck or sell-out, just admit that it’s OK to dig this stuff. Epitaph has put all the tracks on YouTube on they’re full of the anger and guitar string slides that have made every politically inclined 15-year-old love the band.

Bad Religion fans shouldn’t worry, the album ends with a new mix of “American Jesus.”

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