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Brandon Wetherbee is the host of You, Me, Them, Everybody. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom in DC on Friday, December 6 hosting YMTE with guests Chris Kelly, Hillary Scofield, Adam Friedland, Andrew Bucket, Benjamin Schurr, Ian Graham, Natalie McGill and Sara Armour.

I went to a cool party on Tuesday. It was full of cool people doing cool things. Some of the cool people have jobs like person that gets money for a company and another person had a job that gets less money for a smaller company. Some people had jobs like mayor and some people had jobs like DJ. Lots of people seemed to be a DJ.

Some of the people wore suits and ties. Some of the people wore shirts that said they are cool. These people had to do cool things like clear cool mostly consumed cool drinks from cool tables. The cool people in ties didn’t have to clear their dishes. It was cool for the people in ties. I had a tie. I’m cool.

We learned what cool is. We learned that Missy Elliot it cool. A lady told us Missy Elliot is cool. And Jimi Hendrix. And Johnny Depp. Those are three cools.

We learned that it’s cool to be quiet when people are speaking. We were told to be quiet a cool amount of times. A cool five times.

We heard one person say the word ‘cool’ 30x in under five minutes. We kept count. It was cool.

We took this cool picture. Look how cool we look. If this was a different site I would have used an exclamation point but that is not cool. It’s cool to use periods. Cool periods.

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All of this was cool, but was it actually cool?

Is it actually cool to be at an event that costs more than you make in a year for seemingly no reason on a Tuesday night? Is that cool or just an excellent way to showcase a city with a healthy economy?

Is it actually cool use buzz words like ‘social’ and ‘media’ and ‘social media’ during speeches? Is that cool or just what people think cool people should be doing socially via the media?

Is it actually cool to hang out with the mayor? Is that cool or just a way to play nice with the local government?

Is it actually cool to infuse every liquor? Is that cool or just a horrible, horrible trend?

Is it actually cool to end an event at 10pm? Is that cool or just responsible?

Is it actually cool to go to a Nats game with your granddaughter? Is that cool or just good parenting?

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It seems like the cool party made me question what cool is. I don’t want you guys to question cool. It’s cool to know what cool is. It’s important to be a cool dude doing cool cools. In order to do as much cools as possible, here are some undebatable cool facts. Facts are cool.

FACT: According to Google, Jaden Smith and you are the coolest.

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FACT: This is a Kool Thing.

FACT: This is a Coolio.


FACT: The is the second coolest student.


FACT: This is the coolest student.


FACT: This is the coolest sandwich.*


FACT: This is the coolest dude in DC. Give him whatever is left of your $3 million to make cool things cooler. Cool.

*Cool sandwich by cool dude Nathan Isnumberone. You can tell he’s a cool dude because his legal last name, Isnumberone, tells you that he is number one.