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Beauty hurts. Most good things hurt. In order to find out how to be more beautiful we asked one of our favorite people in DC/NYC Heidi Glüm, drag queen and self-proclaimed evil genius, for some beauty tips. She gave us some tips.

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Where’s the best place to start shaving?

I absolutely hate shaving. A nice good razor does wonders. Always start with the most important. As a queen, I need my face to be smoother than a twink’s bottom! I start with my beard and mustache, then I make my way up to my brows to bid adieu to them. I make my way down yonder to my chest, and then it’s off to the armpits! Legs are always last. Like I mentioned, I hate shaving, so if its covered by fabric I DON’T SHAVE IT. But if it shows, it better be bald. It’s all very twink theory.

Shaving vs. waxing? Pros and cons?

Pros: there are no pros to shaving or waxing. The cons are all in my eyes, but I’ll discuss some shaving cons. You’re rubbing multiple tiny sharp razors all over your body. FABULOUS. Since I’ve been around for centuries, I have very sensitive skin, and it gets irritated so easily! It also feels like your hair grows back in like 10 minutes. And don’t forget the disgusting mess it leaves behind in your sink or bathtub. As for waxing, I don’t even know where to begin. I used to work in salons and have seen some wax nightmares. They don’t change the sticks dipped in wax for clients, don’t make sure it’s on a low heat setting, and could care less if they hurt you. It’s a delicate situation, so if you find that one esthetician who turns out your waxing, BRAVO! I’m generally left with burned, irritated skin, and I hate myself for submitting to such torture.

If you have a hairy chest, how do you shave near the nipple?

You guys clearly did some research because people love to make fun of my hairy nipples! No one is looking at my nipples in drag. Therefore, they remain furry. Well, furry is an understatement. If I wanted to braid my nipple hairs and throw puka shells on them, I could, and I’m proud! I hate that I have to shave everything for just a few hours of work, so what I don’t have to shave, I cherish. It’s my constant reminder that I am, in fact, male. That doesn’t mean I never have, though. I was 13 once! Just go slowly. My nipples are useless, senseless things.  I can imagine you menfolk out there with ‘wired’ nips might have some reservations about a razor on your G-spot, but slow and steady wins the race!

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Do you prefer extensions or wigs?

I love hair, especially my hair! I got very tired of wigs and desperately wanted to change my look up, so I decided to grow my hair out. I have so many more options for my drag now, and I love it! I wear extensions sometimes for a little fullness and length, or I just style my own hair! Winter is wig wearing weather. Nothing keeps you warmer than a big ol’ wig on your head, so wigs work wonders come winter. When summer hits, though, you’re going to wish you were me, or a bald bitch giving Sinead O’Conner a run at Capital Pride! Wigs are also ideal for you women who are LAZY and want an easy look for a night out. Throw on some hair to fool the world honey, because if you paid for it, IT’S YOURS!

What’s your favorite lipstick?

Lipstick is a tough subject. There are so many brands, so many finishes, and so many colors! I love a good red lip. My three favorite reds are as follows. Russian Red by MAC. It has a nice matte finish and lasts for hours! It’s also the color Madonna used during her Blonde Ambition tour! Ruby Woo by MAC is my second go-to red. It also has a nice matte finish that lasts for hours. I usually add some gloss to this color to prevent it from getting too dry. And lastly, my absolute favorite red is Guerlain KissKiss No.523 – Exces De Rouge. This is a lipstick for the pale girl with pink undertones and a nice, fat wallet. It’s favorite of Dita Von Teese and for very good reasons. One, the lipstick tube alone is gorgeous. Also, for those playful, dirty girls, Bitch Slap Cosmetics sells lipstick in the shape of a penis! It comes in a variety of nude tones, as well as some colors not meant for penis! It’s kind of weird at first; I’m not used to putting small penises near my mouth, but its a great conversation starter at parties and clubs!

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Real or fake eye lashes?

If eyes are the window to the soul, then eyelashes are blinds to the soul! If you’ve been blessed with long butterfly lashes, drop dead. If not, you have a wide variety of options. Single lash extensions are all the rage! Mai at Inari Salon on K street offers the BEST single lash extensions from Xtreme Lashes. Its pricey, but ideal for someone who doesn’t want to ever have to put on mascara or false lashes. Personally, I can’t get enough of Sugarpill Cosmetics lashes; they offer some really crazy styles! I’m addicted to lashes! I have drawers full of them!!! Nothing completes your look better than two giant fluttering minks atop your gorgeous eyes.

Where do you shop for attractive heels?

I’m a heel junkie. Some might say I have a high heel fetish, but I get off on much weirder things (Ben Stiller in Zoolander, Bruce Willis in Fifth Element!)

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I’m more of a shoe SNOB. I only wear the best, and here’s why: FEET ARE DISGUSTING. Have you ever seen a pair? Look down. GROSS, RIGHT? I have the feet of an Olympic ice skater…not hot. I paint my toenails black because it’s an easy way of making my feet less frightening for myself. Years of jamming my feet into Christian Louboutin high heels (sometimes two sizes too small) has left me with the feet of Sarah Jessica Parker. She claims all the shoes in Sex and the City deformed her feet, and she’s right! I could be her foot double. Though I’m sure hers are much more leathery than mine. I like very high heels…minimum of a five inch heel. Kitten heels are reserved for the gym. I’d like to offer an affordable alternative to designer heels, but I wouldn’t know one! You get what you pay for and my luxury heels have been through hell and back and still live to tell the tale. I hate seeing girls wobble around in their cheap heels; it makes me sad!

How do you calm down a handsy crowd?

Before I Google handsy, I’m just going to assume I’m at the Crew Club (for the first time), and everyone is feeling me up! Well, there’s only one way to calm these gents down! Who’s first? But as a Queen, do not touch me. I’m all about personal space. If you don’t know me, please do not run up to me to touch upon my body. I get it…I’m devastatingly gorgeous. But please, take a number! If all else fails, just grab a beer, stand there until everyone has copped a feel, and then there’s nothing left to offer. I always like to give people a taste of their own medicine, and touch upon their person! Graze across a nipple, while you’re throwing your arm around said stranger. Show them how it feels to be objectified for being gorgeous!

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For the novice: how do you tuck? Is it more of a method? Are you brand loyal to any tape? Did anyone teach you? Has it ever gone awry?

Tucking is a sore subject, no pun intended. There are so many ways to hide your dick. But really, the method depends on the Johnson. Say you were born with a dick the size of a tootsie roll: first off, I’m terribly sorry – I pray you’re a bottom, but the smaller the chode, the easier the tuck. People with baby dicks can pull some panties up their ass, and call it a night! But the man with more to offer might have a harder time. I know because I’ve tried about 69 different ways to hide this monster, and each time it just keeps getting scarier and scarier. WHERE DOES IT GO? Answer: UP MY ASSHOLE. Just kidding…kind of.

BALLS are also a key factor in turning your cock into a hungry mangina. If you have big elephantitis balls, I recommend going to a doctor first. But for some strange reason, above our crotch is a pocket that we’re able to push our balls up into like a little timeshare for nuts. That should be the first stop on your tucking extravaganza! Make sure those sperm sacks are up, up, and away, before you pull all that excess skin and meat back over your hole. I’m hooked on an ancient Chinese transsexual secret right now that I learned from an ancient Chinese transsexual in New York. It only requires two materials: the waistband from pantyhose and the tube of a tube sock! I can’t tell you my secrets per say, but figure it out queens. It’s 2014…you got fucking Google.

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