A password will be e-mailed to you.

This week, the comedy calender has the theme of: Puberty. Summertime always recalls being a 13 year old greaseball dirtbag asshole who thought he was the master of the universe because he wore combat boots and had touched a boob once. But in a sense, I was. Being too stupid to know any better is all kinds of a good excuse to have extreme fun–vandalizing public property, making your own offensive t-shirts with sharpies, sporting a caterpillar mustache–such sweet lazy memories of summer. If Huck Finn was alive today he’d probably be a skate-rat grinding on your car and pissing in your rhododendrons. Too bad he got hit by a train and we saw his dead body on the railroad tracks after I got a leech on my dick and it was TOO GASHLY. Or something like that it’s been a while since I read the books.


Monday, Tuesday:

Find some porn in the woods = Touch nascent bits.


Denis Leary brings a bunch of co-stars from his serious drama show to the Warner Theater tonight to tell jokes for a serious cause [firefighters emergency hoagie fund]. You loved “I’m An Asshole” back in the day and I’m pretty sure he’s started more teenagers smoking than Joe Camel but I’m not sure that kind of OOO I’M SO CONTRARY shit is still at all amusing now that we have Glen Beck. But still sometimes it’s nice to breach your inner hesher and say FU to politeness and nuance.


Mr. Smiths in Georgetown is one of the best dive bars in the city and their clientele is incongruously diverse. I can only imagine how weird their first Thursdays Open Mic must be. Like your first pimple, it will be bursting with new experiences!

Gary Owen is one of those white guys who tells jokes about black people to black audiences. Make em say “WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN” at Station 9.


It’s that time of the month again: time for DC to menstruate with laughter! Which means 3 Chord Comedy at the Velvet Lounge will be there to soak it up! OK that was a bit gross but you know what I mean. This month’s headliner is Brent Sullivan, who is very sensitive.

The Arlington Drafthouse this weekend presents Natasha Leggero. She tells some really good poop jokes.

Your 15 year old self is in love with her. Your adult self is slightly afraid of her. Both can’t help laughing at her furiously physical and profane jokes.


Chelsea Lately is an acquired taste. Some people love her snarky leathery Joan Rivers-meets-Phillis Diller-on-the-set-of-SATC3 attitude, and some people have at least half a brain and despise her. AND YET the comedy tours she puts together based on frequent guests of the show are often pretty decent. If you feel like watching a live version of Best Week Ever, check it out at the Warner Theater:


Velocity Five in Clarendon has a showcase the first Sunday of every month. If your mom doesn’t make you finish your homework, go for it!

In other news:

Your childhood called, they’re coming over with cheetos and a sixer of diet tab so get the gaming table ready.

Or, if you’re a girl (yuck):

Last Comic Standing returns, now with possible funny.

No this isn’t real even tho you wish it was:

Reggie Watts in the New York Timezzzz!

Flight of the Conchords Is Still Alive

How would a live action Dilbert movie improve on Office Space?

Sara Benincasa just got a book deal. NICE.

makes fun of Russell Brand and gets (jokingly?) threatened.

Dane Cook has a song improved by an insane Idol Reject:

I don’t know what this is but I love it:



And finally:

Get Lost!

for Science!

Add your own suggestions for anything we missed in the comments, or email us at [email protected]