No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via the most true of True Detective(s), can answer all your burning questions. Rust + Marty = your dream (horoscope reading) team.
Aries
Q: My life is a mess right now. Can you just give me some semblance of an idea as to how things are going to shape up within the next couple of weeks?
A:
Taurus
Q: I’ve had issues with alcohol in the past—but I really do think that those problems are in the past! Can I have a beer?
A:
Gemini
Q: This is weird but…I’ve literally never seen my neighbor before. I hear him sometimes, but I’ve never seen him. Who is he? Should I be concerned?
A:
Cancer
Q: How do I tell my friend he’s being a son of a bitch?
A:
Leo
Q: I’m so bored with LIFE as of late. Any new hobbies, crafts, ANYTHING, you can suggest to add some spice to my life?
A:
Virgo
Q: What happens after we die?
A:
Libra
Q: What’s the best way to hit on a girl I like? Like—what is the most effective type of thing to say?
A:
Scorpio
Q: How should I introduce myself? I want people to know I’m just a regular type dude!
A:
Sagittarius
Q: I’m always getting high before work. Or going into work semi-drunk. Is this a problem? Will this BECOME a problem?
A:
Capricorn
Q: Just curious….”time.” What is….”time”?
A:
Aquarius
Q: How do I express to my boyfriend that he’s a FUCK?
A:
PiscesÂ
Q: THIS IS THE STUPIDEST. WHY IS THIS THE STUPIDEST?
A:
HAHA Rusty told you, you Pisces asswipe, you.
(JK, PISCES. I’M SO SORRY, PISCES.)
Anyway….yeah! See you next week!
