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No more worrying about the future ever. I am Ultimate Soothsayer and, via the most true of True Detective(s), can answer all your burning questions. Rust + Marty = your dream (horoscope reading) team.

Aries

Q: My life is a mess right now. Can you just give me some semblance of an idea as to how things are going to shape up within the next couple of weeks?

A:

Taurus

Q: I’ve had issues with alcohol in the past—but I really do think that those problems are in the past! Can I have a beer?

A:

Gemini

Q: This is weird but…I’ve literally never seen my neighbor before. I hear him sometimes, but I’ve never seen him. Who is he? Should I be concerned?

A:

Cancer

Q: How do I tell my friend he’s being a son of a bitch?

A:

Leo

Q: I’m so bored with LIFE as of late. Any new hobbies, crafts, ANYTHING, you can suggest to add some spice to my life?

A:

Virgo

Q: What happens after we die?

A:

Libra

Q: What’s the best way to hit on a girl I like? Like—what is the most effective type of thing to say?

A:

Scorpio

Q: How should I introduce myself? I want people to know I’m just a regular type dude!

A:

Sagittarius

Q: I’m always getting high before work. Or going into work semi-drunk. Is this a problem? Will this BECOME a problem?

A:

Capricorn

Q: Just curious….”time.” What is….”time”?

A:

Aquarius

Q: How do I express to my boyfriend that he’s a FUCK?

A:

Pisces 

Q: THIS IS THE STUPIDEST. WHY IS THIS THE STUPIDEST?

A:

HAHA Rusty told you, you Pisces asswipe, you.

(JK, PISCES. I’M SO SORRY, PISCES.)

Anyway….yeah! See you next week!

 

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